Thank you for your replies. You are echoing what goes through my mind regarding self-care, listening to my body regarding meds, and acknowledging that it is a process. It's good to hear it coming back from others walking in similar shoes. I have done so much study in this regard and have so much information and so many tools. The issue seems to be my ability to follow through or maintain a practice. I’m so anxious, I run off to put out another fire or hide in a closet. It’s exhausting.
I hear you regarding "patience" being one of the keys I need to work on, along with expectations, and accepting the 2 steps forward/backward scenario – baby steps. Conceptually, I get this. Emotionally, it is an entirely different ballgame. It just feels like it's been going on for so long and "I feel" I should be "better" by now. So much for self-will in this regard; I’m just providing a venue to should all over myself. I guess I can't expect the same results as I do when working a project in the professional realm. There just seems to be no end here – no due date. I'm having a lot of difficulty in accepting that I can't be "healed" and then get on with the life the way "it's supposed to be." Whatever any of those quotes mean, I think they're showing me that a lot of my difficulties are up in my noggin. That I need to change certain thought patterns. I started out my latest attempt to help myself in this journey because I was actually seeing faulty thought and behavior patterns, amongst the wreckage. I guess I got detoured by falling back into these old self-destructive patterns and hiding for a time. It's hard work. I've been working on my thinking this morning - I keep detouring my thoughts from obsessing on stuff re: my mother, telling myself that she can have 30 minutes later today, but that "now" has to do with me and my healing. I'm just starting to work on being aware in the moment of what I'm thinking, the power I'm giving to that and the effects it is having on my life. As it is mostly negative in a broad sense, I guess this is a good thing to work on in order to get myself going in a healthier direction. This is where I’m hoping a therapist can help me. It’s what I’ve asked from each one – stabilizing my thinking, reworking thought patterns… all I get is one after another wanting gory trauma details or telling me their life stories.
Chava - I appreciated your replies, especially what you wrote below. None of your responses sounded preachy, so no worries. Thank you for sharing, and your support and encouragement.
The simple stuff actually makes a huge difference for me. Cutting back on stimulants, eating cleaner, exercising some almost every day, rest. It's what helps me just do my life, sometimes enjoy it, and also be patient with recovery because I don't always feel like I need a fix right now because I don't feel powerless or broken all the time. I'm just living my life, imperfectly. I've switched to more of a process perspective. But I still have many moments of wanting it to all go away or be able to just take a pill to fix it. Why not talk to your doc about the meds but also consider steps you feel like you can take in your life and stick with them even if you don't see a change within a few days. Track for 30 or 90 days or something and just keep doing it (whatever it is...exercise, some self care goal, etc). If you've been through a lot, there is actually plenty reason for continued little steps and not hoping for one big one. I've been working to build my resources mostly across the board...little bits everywhere, usually in patterns of 2 steps forward, 1.5 steps back. But it's progress and change, so it feels empowering.
I did see and speak with my doc last week. The Zoloft is out and I said "no" to trying anything else for now as I lost a month of time trying it out and recovering from it. It actually sent me into a downward spiral of craving alcohol – very dangerous for me. I also craved Peeps – maybe it was just an Easter thing, but heck, I don’t need to mainline sugar either. What I do need is to get to work, so I need to be clear enough to apply for jobs and then go do the job if hired. I am taking Xanax, prn, but like you do worry about eating it like candy. This is why I asked my doc for something in the first place so that I could cut back on the xanax as I was taking too much and still like a runaway train roaring down the anxiety tracks. We hesitantly decided upon Zoloft. Since another brain med is out at this time, after reading several posts about the relationship between sleep and anxiety I did ask for a sleeping pill. Wow, not good. I only took it one night and it was horrible. It’s something new – Belsomra, I think. Very different from Ambien or Lunesta.
When I sent over my list of in-network therapists for her to look over, I did ask about trying Buspar or another drug mentioned out here - prozotin, I think that's it. Anyway, haven't heard back from her yet. I'm not sold on meds as I am hyper sensitive to anything I put into my body or that I breathe in. We’ll see what she comes back with, but for now, I am rededicating myself to adding in a few manageable self-care practices that have helped me in the past. I’m also one of those people who has a long list of self-care options and then expects them all done every day. It’s such all or nothing thinking. I have so many great slogans from the programs, but the following seems to apply to me right now and what I’m fighting: perfectionism, procrastination, paralysis. Time to work on my thinking.
Thank you again for reading through my posts when, clearly, I’m bouncing off walls and not making a lot of sense, and responding so thoughtfully. VB
