On Being Too Transparant: How do I be authentic.....and not so revealing (having to tell everything)...to prevent future abuse?

[TruthSeeker]

I tell too much....I have a very strong need to be too honest......I make myself totally transparent I think, so no one can say I'm lying.....honesty and integrity are huge values to me. It is these positive qualities which make me vulnerable to being hurt by others-and my vulnerabilities (cause I need to tell so much) are used to ultimately hurt me. Anyone had this same experience and managed to change to being less honest, or not telling so much.
Honesty to a fault-has only served to create problems in my life (it's like an invitation to harm me)....but how do you change your perception what is right.....honesty....I HAVE to be honest.... It's like ingrained..... and not telling the exact truth feels almost painful.....I struggle here A LOT! Advice needed.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm pretty transparent, but I am very private. Being honest, does not mean I have to share with who asks, and in my case I do not want to tell so much.

If honesty and integrity are 2 of your core values, I would think you'll want to honor them, and they will be chosen over less-important-to-you qualities, to be true to yourself.

..these positive qualities .. make me vulnerable to being hurt by others (cause I need to tell so much)

^^ If I find myself telling someone something personal who doesn't have the trust, or it can stay unsaid, it's usually because it is bothering me.

Honesty is a separate from disclosure, and disclosure is a choice.

I would think others lacking integrity or honesty, may cause you more hurt than you having those qualities yourself. JMHO.

ETA, if you feel obligated to answer another, maybe it would be more honest to say something like, 'I feel obligated to answer that, but I find it to personal a question and it makes me feel uncomfortable' (or whatever). It is possible to deflect in various ways, including saying, that's a question for another day.

 

[grit]

It looks like you grew up in an environment where you were given a very distorted reality, almost like dad is bad only when drank sort of upbringing. Now that you are out, assuming you are adult and not living with parents still, you get stuck in reaction formation of my parents are liars, but I am not and to show you how much I am not like them, I am going to show you or tell you everything. Of course a predator will see you are still reacting to parents who are not here anymore which right away deems you to their eyes, you are out of touch with the present, AKA reality. Your vulnerable side is your most child like that is why we do not show to everybody so when you overshare, you are advertising that you most like child side is running the show.
How to recover? I do not know for you but for me it was being curious. Like asking questions like I wonder why you ask that? Or I rather not answer that now. Thank you for your concern, I can do this for me etc etc.

First I saw the advantage of this part in me and second I saw it was creating unnecessary familiarity and third, I notice when I did not overshare, people respect me more and I got to know them better since I was no longer spending energy reacting to imaginery parents to proof to me I am better than them by telling this story of I am honest.

Also to make it interesting, you may think you are honest and transparent but because you are in the grip of the past, even when you are lying or not forthcoming you are convincing yourself that you are truthful.... This is a reality you may not be aware of until you are mindful of your original tendency.
Do people ever tell you or challenge you on how honest you are?
If you are honest truly, you would not find it challenging. Deep down yu know you are reacting to the past liars.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@grit This really makes so much sense. I'll have to think on that a bit....I know that before I know it....I have a pull to keep talking, to tell to much, and without reservation (no walls, and no hesitation).....very childlike I guess. The term "unnecessary familiarity" is new....(you probably could have guessed this....LOL). I think that is a good term for what I do. Thanks for taking the time to respond, it was really helpful.
@Tinyflame -I think you are right about telling things that bother me......the being soooo trustworthy part is maybe an overcompensation for having lived and covered up a life of lies. Not sure-but it really feels right in the moment to tell it all.....and then later I realize I overshared. This is a real struggle right now. It was so much worse 2 years ago when I was actively being traumatized, and it just caused more abuse.....Thanks for sharing.

 

[grit]

I may add that the part that feels ashamed afterwards is your adult side and a powerful side that supposed to keep the gate. I hope you learn how to switch the parts so your ashamed side now is more proactive to discriminate in coming interactions.
IMHO, you articulating this side of you so well tells me you are sitting right on the fence to grow and heal this part. You have beautiful vulnerable side you just were not thought how to safeguard.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@grit Thanks.....sniff.....I'll keep your kind words and the wisdom behind them....write them down....and post them on the wall...?

 

[Ronin]

I think the whole question is assuming the wrong things.

You can't control others / whether they will be abusive or not, by how much you share or not... because that is them, their call, their decisions, not something you are making them do by giving the wrong vibe.

Honesty & transparency are two totally different, even if oft linked, things. So is integrity.
Not everyone rates all three. Nor is it extra beneficial to be an open book with every random joe.

Accusations? Heck, you could be the most telling the truth & virtuous person on earth and someone could still accuse you of bullshit and be believed. Because it ain't about you. That's them.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I think the whole question is assuming the wrong things.

You can't control others / whether they will be abusive or not, by how much you share or not... because that is them, their call, their decisions, not something you are making them do by giving the wrong vibe.

Honesty & transparency are two totally different, even if oft linked, things. So is integrity.
Not everyone rates all three. Nor is it extra beneficial to be an open book with every random joe.

Accusations? Heck, you could be the most telling the truth & virtuous person on earth and someone could still accuse you of bullshit and be believed. Because it ain't about you. That's them.

@Ronin No this abuse is about knowing my deepest fears, it is calculated by the opposition, and using them in a narcissistic way to take away pieces of my sanity, using my own vulnerabilities to know how to hurt me and people I love, or knowing the things I love the most in life and looking to destroy them-and those individuals as a way to hurt me.
Kinda like telling too much gives perpetrator the bullets to shoot me in my own foot.
If I didn't have this need to be sooooo honest-and that ties into having to have a high standard of integrity-which is super important to me, I'd probably be safer.......but then I'd be conflicted....because I'm not protecting myself by shutting my mouth....and if I do that I'm not being totally honest. I need a strategy for not telling so much....and knowing when I'm revealing too much.

 

[Ronin]

I'd probably be safer...

That still wouldn't make you particularly safer, though. Even if I count safety being a real thing, you sharing or oversharing isn't really a screaming kick me green light... for those that are non abusive, themselves. On another hand, asshole will just use *whichever* they can, because they are an asshole, not because you are carrying yourself in the world wrong.

So it wouldn't be sharing, but Oh, you are so cagey / secretitive / are you hiding something? You must be hiding something Totally a baby killing sicko in secret.
Blah, blah, other day & line.

.... How much you reveal about anything is not a mistake, nor an invitation to be violated.
The decent anyone might as well use it to protect you, if that's what you wish, or, you know, just pass go, not use that info at all, minding own business.

 

[grit]

At ronin
I feel you are trying to empower thruthseeker but I think she is noticing her own overshare even when it is not bad company. I think what she articulated is one of real development gap for a lot of cptsd. There is always a balance what we do and the reaction of others. I hope you give the benefit of doubt she recognizes a trait that may as well no longer serving her. Eventually she will know deeply the importance of this trait in relationships and will learn her timing - which is what is off now.

 

[Ronin]

but I think she is noticing her own overshare even when it is not bad company

Yeah, I got that / & nothing against the effort, I'm just not sure of the conclusion (that change of this or that guarantees also desired outcome in others.)

 

[grit]

I cannt speak for the poster but my understanding of her conflict was not that all of sudden every body will treat her differently but that her own internal conflict may dissipate. She felt she felt she overshares she wants to learn why and how to mitigate the shame that follows. I think we were both helping her from different perspectives and both are valid but I thought I will make the connection clearer.