On Being Too Transparant: How do I be authentic.....and not so revealing (having to tell everything)...to prevent future abuse?

[TruthSeeker]

I got into a habit (still do at times) of over-sharing or over-explaining myself after I wasn’t believed about trauma.

Ironic thing is that oversharing to be believed usually comes across like someone has something to hide. It’s the “she doth protest too much” effect.

Think about it like this:

If I had a partner who went and bought milk and eggs, I’d expect they would just buy milk and eggs and put them in the fridge. They might say, “Hey, I got the milk and eggs.” No biggie.

But if they came home and showed me receipts, detailed the roads the drove on, every person they spoke to on the way, what the cashier said... I’d wonder what’s going on that they are not stating that is driving the anxious oversharing. It’s far more defense and explanation of their tasks than to the situation warrants. It comes across as potentially hiding something.

An extreme example to prove the point:

Who would you trust more? The person appropriately dressed for a party, or the person who walks in completely naked? The person with the boundary of clothing actually tends to get trusted more.

Your parents wanted transparency but you don’t need to prove yourself to everyone anymore.

You’ll actually still be believable, maybe even more so, if you don’t share everything and you have some boundaries. I’d suggest experimenting with leaning into giving less information to others and see how that goes. When to share more info? It might be after you see that someone is ok with you having boundaries about sharing less information and that when you share a tiny bit of vulnerable information, they handle it well, and don’t hurt you with it.

@Justmehere This is very well thought out and makes total sense. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

This is another giant one, "I have a moral obligation" ...

I recall having this discussion with my wife 30 years ago and I was in the habit of saying inappropriate things that were true.

What I finally figured out was repressing myself which is the opposite of what most people think you should do is usually the right thing for me. I feel lucky I have a few people I can confide in. Everyone else is on the periphery. I don't need to know about them, they don't need to know about me.

So they gradually taught me to be quiet. I still make mistakes. It's not as important. I have someone I'm intimate with, most of my energy goes into that.

If I had to do it again I wouldn't tell anyone except the medical people? Same with CSA. It is a good reason. It is why I'm like the way I am. I guess I use it so people will leave me alone or why I'm where I am in life?

I can't express the troubles I brought on myself talking? If I'm quiet I get fewer opportunities to be my own worst enemy.

@Mach123 You make a good point....one I need to reflect on. Saying the right thing in the moment and saying less is better than than just talking.....for the sake of talking... and regardless of how much or little I say....I should still feel like I belong when in a group situation.
Yeah....maybe it all comes down to a warped sense of thinking if I'm transparant-I'll belong. So, so very helpful. Thank you.

 

[joeylittle]

But making rules for safety/disclosure makes common sense. How would one structure rules for when to self-disclose, and when not to? Any thoughts? I really want to get a handle on this.

I second this:

One exercise I’ve done with a few different Ts over the years is drawing a small circle - that’s me. Then a circle around that - all the people that are closest to me, and more trusted, go in there. They’re folks that treat me respectfully, show up when I need, rely on me the same as I rely on them, and share with me the same as I share with them. And I can think about “what sorts of things can I safely share with these people.”

After that? A wider circle around the last one. People in there are friends. I can share a lot with these people, but it’s probably not the kind of relationship where it’s appropriate to be going into my ‘deepest and darkest’ anything. And I can often judge that by how much they share with me in return.

I'd just add that using the context in which I know the person is helpful. I work with a lot of people, in different companies. But anyone that is someone I work with - I just have rules for myself governing how much I'll ever share with them - both about my illness, and about how I'm feeling. It's harder on bad days - but keeping the context in mind also (usually) helps me keep the right mind-set. So, if someone at work asks me how I am, on a bad day - I'll be prepared with an answer that is simple and a re-direct, to move the topic away from how I'm feeling.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with sideways and @Justmehere , and @joeylittle has excellent practical advice.

maybe an overcompensation for having lived and covered up a life of lies. Not sure-but it really feel

I feel that way about my own honesty (though not other's). I lied before, now I don't want to go back there. It's an awful way to live.

Honesty is a great quality to have. But so is discretion. And healthy boundaries are essential to healthy relationships. For me, being clear on those who are on the inner circles, and those who are further out? Helps me not just with what I share, but also gives me an excellent insight into a tonne of other things about the relationship - like who I can go to for support (inner circles), or who I can go to when I just need to get some sort of social life or working life going (outer circles). Periodically revisiting my circles helps me see who I’m establishing better relationships with, and also who is letting me down.

^^ Totally agree with this. Trust is huge, earned, and someone even has to be capable, so part is character or inclination, or kindness, or health. But so should be expected back from myself.

Integrity to me means someone who does the right thing when no one is looking.

^^ That's how I see it.

I recall having this discussion with my wife 30 years ago and I was in the habit of saying inappropriate things that were true.

I think that's ok, to me anyway- it is authentic. Just to add kindness and other factors, like facts. For example, if someone asks me if something looks good, I tell them what I like about it or not, but it's because of the clothes, not them. (Though a funny comedian Dave Barry I think, said something like the only appropriate response to 'does this dress make me look fat?' is to fall on the floor and feign a heart attack. :laugh: )

I think authentic is who you are, but it's by living, not openly or constantly telling. JMHO.

Sounds like you're picking it apart really well!