LovesFlowers
New Here
For context so you understand this post, I grew up in one of those homes where emotional expressions were not welcome. If you needed to feel you did it somewhere out of the home and away from the family. Enough context.
I had the most wonderful breakthrough the other day related to my emotional numbness. I realized that, as a(n):
A few months back a friend suggested I see an Acupuncturist she knew who was an expert in the areas that were plaguing me. I did and a miracle happened: 13 hours after seeing him the paralyzed area on my body released and I was free to move again. I will most likely never be without pain and I will always have to be aware of the damaged area, but it isn't paralyzed anymore. With the release in paralysis I also got the full use of my right lung back so I could take in more air when doing activities. To say I was ecstatic was an understatement. I was hysterical!
A few days back I wrote my first post here. It is the first time I've been willing to talk about my PTSD outside of a professional setting. A day later I had my revelation that I could feel, that I've always been able to feel ... when I was moving.
A lifetime of unconsciously using activity as my way of processing emotions I would otherwise repress/suppress (whatever the shrinkydinks call it) slapped me in the face with rather blinding obviousness. If I wanted to feel I had to move.
I haven't felt this good in ages. Last night I went to a tournament practice session and after my demonstration my teacher turned to the class and said, "That's what aggression should look like. She looked like she wanted to kill me."
I couldn't have been more pleased.
I had the most wonderful breakthrough the other day related to my emotional numbness. I realized that, as a(n):
- little girl, when I needed a safe place to process my feelings, I would dance, walk, ride my bike, skate ... I would MOVE.
- teenager when I needed a safe place to process my feelings, I would bike or walk long distances, play sports, dance ... I would MOVE.
- young adult when I needed a safe place to process my feelings, I would hike, dance, walk, fight (MMA) rock climb, skydive ... I would MOVE.
- adult I was in a significant car accident and became disabled. Swimming laps in my pool of self-pity became my only exercise and I stopped moving, originally due to the new physical limitations and additionally due to fear that I would get worse if I got hurt. Other than fear, anxiety, and depression, I stopped feeling and started stuffing myself. I gained over 100 pounds and was utterly miserable.
A few months back a friend suggested I see an Acupuncturist she knew who was an expert in the areas that were plaguing me. I did and a miracle happened: 13 hours after seeing him the paralyzed area on my body released and I was free to move again. I will most likely never be without pain and I will always have to be aware of the damaged area, but it isn't paralyzed anymore. With the release in paralysis I also got the full use of my right lung back so I could take in more air when doing activities. To say I was ecstatic was an understatement. I was hysterical!
A few days back I wrote my first post here. It is the first time I've been willing to talk about my PTSD outside of a professional setting. A day later I had my revelation that I could feel, that I've always been able to feel ... when I was moving.
A lifetime of unconsciously using activity as my way of processing emotions I would otherwise repress/suppress (whatever the shrinkydinks call it) slapped me in the face with rather blinding obviousness. If I wanted to feel I had to move.
I haven't felt this good in ages. Last night I went to a tournament practice session and after my demonstration my teacher turned to the class and said, "That's what aggression should look like. She looked like she wanted to kill me."
I couldn't have been more pleased.
