Sufferer Once Full Of Love, Now Numb To It.

[MeandPTSD]

Thanks for reading and listening.

I have dealt with PTSD my whole life - started at 8 when I was a family member's sexual exploration board. I have gone to therapy over the years but still have traces of this trauma - completely manageable though.

Last January I began a relationship with an alcoholic with rage issues, but he never really showcased them in front of me, but I knew it was there. He was a pathological liar but I believed he loved me and I loved him anyway. He told me stories about how he "had people" burn people's houses down, how he buried a man, and even while we dated he supposedly left and he told me about how brutal he was to somebody that might talk to the cops and get my boyfriend "thrown in jail". He got 2 DUIs, drank bottles, sometimes more than one, of straight vodka.

We had numerous fights when he was drunk every night, and today I don't know why I put up with it.

The trauma event happened one evening when I was yelling at him for drinking my drink while asleep, and he attacked me by grabbing my neck with both hands , closing my wind pipe. I fought for my life and there is some more to the event but don't need to hear the whole sory. In the end, he left the apartment and that was the last time I saw him because I called the cops and he went to jail.

Shortly after I learned that he was telling a girl he loved her when he was seeing me and living with me. Oh by the way, he didn't have a job or at money so I paid for everything for 5 months. I calculate it to be $6000. I am serious.

I learned after that he is a con artist pathological liar. I doubt he ever loved me at all. With this, I have no closure bc we are not to communicate again. Not that I really want to communicate with him, but I imagine it would feel good to get the truth out. Even if he told me now that he really did love me, I could never believe him.

So every guy since has "been a liar". All I can see is lies. I doubt everything they say. I don't know if they really ARE lying or my mind is distorted.

I have been dating a guy who seems to me to be the same guy as the last one. I like him, and honestly he treats me like a princess, but cannot "love" him. I feel emotionally numb.

 

[Hashi]

I have gone to therapy over the years but still have traces of this trauma - completely manageable though.

Last January I began a relationship with an alcoholic with rage issues... I knew it was there. He was a pathological liar but I believed he loved me and I loved him anyway... He told me stories about how he "had people" burn people's houses down, how he buried a man, and even while we dated he supposedly left and he told me about how brutal he was to somebody... We had numerous fights when he was drunk every night, and today I don't know why I put up with it.

I would say that this is a trace of your trauma that is not manageable and needs more dealing with. Being in a relationship with someone who is dangerous, disrespectful or abusive can be a symptom of past trauma as much as things like nightmares or hypervigilance.

Unless you can look at why you put up with it, and work on the issues that led to that, then I don't think you're going to be in a position to make reliable assessments of anyone you're in a relationship with. To be honest, I don't think it's a good idea to be in a relationship at all if you have a recent history of a relationship like this and don't know why. It sounds like your judgement, your responses, your street sense, your danger warning system, your sense of normal/acceptable and perhaps your sense of self worth have all been impaired by your history.

So while you say the traces of your earlier trauma are completely manageable I'd have to suggest that there are still effects that you need to look at. I would say that your emotions didn't get affected when you were in the relationship from last January, they got affected from the age of eight. It's not just about closure over the con artist, it's much bigger than that.

Have you considered more therapy, to explore relationship issues?

 

[nursenurse]

Dust yourself off. We have all made unwise decisions in the love department, and it is unfair to yourself and the new guy to carry that baggage along. Go for some counselling, try to sort out why you feel the way you do - it's not hard to see why, we all beat ourselves up over what essentially ended up being unwise decisions, but use it as a lesson and not as self flagellation. Easier said than done, and trust me, I understand where you are coming from.

How long have you been with the new guy? It might even be too soon to be thinking about "love" in whatever context you mean. A lot of folks here become too involved too quickly which makes for an equally quick and horrible break up. Remember, he has to earn your trust. Take your time regardless, don't fall into love or into bed too quickly. Be kind to yourself. Understandably you have to guard your own heart, but if you feel it is stopping you from moving forward in your own life, then some professional help is in order. But go slowly.

Any guy worth his salt will go along with you, find out the reasons why, and work alongside of you without trying to pressure you into anything you aren't ready for. In the mean time, go out, have fun, enjoy the company. Hold hands. Don't do anything more than that for awhile. You are earning your trust in yourself, as much as he is earning your trust in him.

 

[nursenurse]

P.S. Pathological liars, no matter how much you think you love them and they love you, are still liars. Stay away.

Even if you had a face to face, you will never get the closure from a pathological liar that you want. only more questions. Hell, you can't get closure from more "normal" relationship break ups, :D!

 

[Define_Destiny]

Liars are liars. They'll lie even about the truth. There is no closure...just more trauma. I'm sorry, truth.

 

[franciemarnie]

Someday when you are safe and feel safe in your life, the numbness will go away. It protects us sometimes. I'm sorry you met such jerks.

 

[intothelight]

Hi MeandPTSD,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

It is easier to have a healthy relationship when both people in the relationship are healthy. Take the time to focus on yourself and deal with the trauma and related issues that are causing problems in your daily life. You can't change other people, but you can change yourself and you deserve to be the best you that you can be.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie