General One Of Those Days

[blue_eyes18]

Today I'm feeling rather frustrated. Today was supposed to be "date day" for my girl and me. Since I've had finals for school and been working constantly, this was a perfect day for us to finally spend together because I'm off of work and I just finished my last final. I only have a couple of weeks off before I start again.

It was beautiful out, and I wanted to take her to the zoo or a park and spend the day outside with her. She was supposed to call me when she woke up. I got up around 11 and showered for the day and got ready. I went and cleaned my car out and washed it and cleaned my apartment in the meantime, waiting on her.

Well, it's now almost 9 pm and she still hasn't woken up and the entire day is now shot. It's even too late to take her to a nice dinner.

This is common. Her sleep patterns are completely unpredictable and she may sleep an entire 24 hours. Or some nights, she may not even sleep at all. I used to think she was just blowing me off in the beginning of our relationship when we had plans and she would sleep through them because I'd never met anyone who slept like that. When she would finally get in touch and apologize for missing plans, she would tell me it was because she had been asleep. And I used to be like "Come on. Just tell me if you don't want to see me anymore." Because usually when someone doesn't contact your and then says they were asleep, it meant they were blowing you off. But she insisted she really was truly asleep. I finally began to believe it after I'd witnessed it with my own eyes that she literally would sleep for 24 hours straight and she was incapable of waking herself up. She would sleep through tests, appointments, anything/everything.

That was a long time ago. Now, I know her like the back of my hand and I know she doesn't mean to do it and I know she's legitimately asleep. But that doesn't take away from the fact that on days like today, where we were supposed to have a special day together, it's very frustrating and hard to remain understanding when I just want to be mad and tell her it's ridiculous to sleep that long and completely unthoughtful to sleep straight through our plans.

Like i said, I know it's not malicious nor intentional. But I'm still human and it is very frustrating. I could have made plans with other people on this beautiful day, but wasted it waiting on her.

I know I'm supposed to be supportive and understanding when she wakes up and calls me. But right now, all I feel is irritable and let down. Which would make her feel even worse if she knew. So I'll just smile and act like it's cool.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is she in treatment? Is she working on her healing?

 

[blue_eyes18]

Yes, she's in therapy and has been for a while. She's also on anti anxiety meds and anti depressants.

I know her sleeping is good for two things: for one, it's helping her to heal, as her treatment is making her worn out and very stressed. And her body needs the rest to recuperate. and two, because it's always been her way of coping. When anything bad has happened in her life, she deals with it by sleeping. But as a result, she can sleep ungodly amounts when she's going through a lot.

I recognize it's not intentional. It's still just hard sometimes.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I realise this isn't helping with your disappointment.

But although depression can cause hyprsomnia, if she can't wake up or be woken up for 24 hours on a regular basis, it could be related to other conditions.

When people have a mental illness, it's very easy (for doctors as well) to put everything down to that mental illness. But I think the sleep thing is something I would want to get checked out by a doctor.

As for the date days, if she can be woken up, I wonder if she would prefer an arrangement like, if she hasn't woken up by 6.30 pm, that you could call her?

 

[blue_eyes18]

You know, I've often wondered if her sleep is a whole separate condition in itself. And in a way, I have often wondered if it isn't a cause for a lot of her other anxieties and stressors.

For example, she misses work and class constantly because she can't be woken up. She sleeps through appointments and everything else. And then I think she starts to feel guilty about doing that, and it stresses her out even more, which only makes things worse.

I've asked her to partake in a sleep study, as I've never met anyone who sleeps like she does. But she swears up and down that her sleeping is related to depression and PTSD solely. There seems to be no telling her otherwise. But I still am not full convinced.

I have heard people say that when someone is experiencing many triggers or is working hard with a therapist, the body needs sleep more than the normal person not experiencing the trauma does. I don't know how true this is or isn't. This is what she claims is occurring.

I wish it was as simple as just calling her to wake her up. Heck, I could walk into her room and shake her, and she probably wouldn't budge. It's impossible to wake her. This is why she sleeps through everything. I tried to call around the exact time you suggested - 6:30. She didn't answer. She doesn't wake up to her phone ringing. She could sleep through an earthquake and not even realize it. Just the other day, she woke up and had no clue what day it even was. That's how hard she sleeps; and for how long. And this is relatively common. Once a week or once every other week here lately.

I don't really know what to do or think about it. As you mentioned, I've been thinking something else was the culprit. But she's so adamant otherwise. You think there's something else going on?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have heard people say that when someone is experiencing many triggers or is working hard with a therapist, the body needs sleep more than the normal person not experiencing the trauma does. I don't know how true this is or isn't. This is what she claims is occurring.

This is true. I don't know how it is for other people, but I can spend a long long time dissociated and in bed. But I'm not in a deep sleep, and I can be woken. But maybe it is different for other people, so she may be correct.

You think there's something else going on?

I'm not a doctor, so I really don't know. It's that she can't wake up and feels guilty that she has missed things. If I'm depressed, I tend not to care about anything at all.

 

[blue_eyes18]

That's very true - about the not caring, typically, when you're depressed. But she does care. She cares A LOT. It's this consuming guilt that she feels. If she sleeps through work, she feels terrible about herself and calls her boss and tells him he should just go ahead and fire her. And that she deserves it. He knows her circumstances and is like a father to her. He's always loving and understanding. But she still feels terrible nonetheless because she feels she failed him and at her job. Also, she missed a lot of class this semester and her professor called her out on it and she felt awful about it. It made her depressed for days at the thought that her teacher thought she was a slacker when she didn't intend to be one. Once again, feeling like a failure or a let down.

She's VERY hard on herself. She's definitely her own worst enemy. Which is why when things like tonight happen, I try to be super understanding because I don't want to make her feel bad. That's counterproductive. However, at the same time, it doesn't feel good to me. It hurts my feelings as I'm only human.

I've learned to deal with most things. And for the most part, I'm okay with it. It's still a work in progress for me, though.

She called tonight after she woke up and apologized profusely form sleeping through our plans and we made plans for tomorrow instead. I responded completely lovingly and understandingly. It's just not always easy to do. I'm trying.

In realize you're not a doctor. Thank you for your observations and points of view. It's all very much appreciated.

 

[GrahamCracker]

I would agree that the sleeping sounds like it may be another issue, maybe chronic fatigue syndrome or something similar? I'm not a medical professional either but that does seem unusual.

I understand the guilt and depression thing. I think some people tend to become apathetic but I am also the type who feels very guilty about not being able to fulfill my priorities if something about my disorder prevents it. It's very difficult because even if people tell you it's okay, you always secretly feel like it's not and that you are going to get in trouble for it.

I think it's okay to come here and vent. On the one hand, I feel like you want to stay with her but on the other it seems like it's very challenging. Sometimes you just have to tackle one issue at a time.

Hope it gets better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, thinking that a sleep doctor isn't going to help her simply because its "all PTSD" is quite incorrect. (I'm pointing out the flaw in her thinking, not yours.)

I went to a sleep doctor and it was the best thing that I could have done. I was at the point of getting MAYBE an hour of twilight sleep a night, if that, and this had been going on for over a month. Yes, I was going out of my mind pretty much. (Twilight sleep is when you're asleep yet awake, you are still aware of what's going on around you, so really, not like real restful sleep at all!) Yes, your girlfriend has a different issue, but at the same time, my point is that a sleep doctor can possibly help her and it doesn't do any good to just dismiss someone who can help.

My first appointment was over 2 hours long as the doctor got a complete history from me and developed a laundry list of things that I was to do every day in order to sleep. Yes, a lot of them were simple sleep hygiene things that can be found in any book on how to sleep better, but I actually got a schedule saying that at this time you do this and at that time you do that. And, some of the recommendations were actually counterintuitive to what we would think would help us sleep.

It worries me that your girlfriend is so dismissive of this being anything other than PTSD. It could be a serious medical issue, or maybe it is just PTSD. But, that doesn't mean that a sleep doctor can't help her. Again, I want to stress, that even if it is JUST PTSD, a sleep doctor can help her get her sleep issues back on track!

Oh, and me? Well after seeing the sleep doctor, my sleep is much more on par with "normal". I still have my issues but I am now able to sleep a reasonable amount of time, get up when I need to get up, fall asleep when I need to fall asleep, etc. My sleep environment needs to be somewhat controlled, but I'll deal with it if it means I can actually sleep now!

The flip side of things.... Your girlfriend is assuming that its the PTSD that is making her sleep worse, but the truth is that its just as likely that the sleep is making her PTSD issues worse. I have a hunch that she is in a negative feedback loop of sorts where the PTSD makes her sleep worse and when her sleep is worse, her PTSD symptoms spike, and it continues to spiral from there. One of my old therapists told me that the first issue to tackle is sleep as poor sleep just makes all of my issues worse. She was right. It wasn't just about fixing my PTSD and assuming the sleep issue would get better. Unfortunately that is a very hard path to travel and perhaps not the best approach to take as she is battling the wrong thing right now.

And as far out in left field as this may sound, if she refuses to get help for her sleep issue, I'd be kinda pissed in that she is refusing a possible avenue of help and even though you say she's beating herself up over the sleep issue, on a certain level she's saying that its OK for her to sleep through anything and everything, that its OK for her to just blow you off all the time, because she is refusing to get help. (Does this make sense? I hope it does.) It sort of boils down to there being something wrong which has a negative effect on those around us, and then refusing to get help. This is kinda selfish, don't you think? We aren't responsible for having PTSD, but we are responsible for our healing, and at this point your girlfriend is refusing to take responsibility as evidenced by refusing possible avenues of help. I don't think you're unreasonable in being frustrated with this situation.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My daughter is a night owl, and stays up all night doing things. She also has PTSD and Fibromyalgia. She can sleep all day and all night. She also misses appointments sometimes.

The thing I am concerned about is you. I hope that next time this happens to you, go ahead and make other plans to make you happy. This seems kind of one sided and I agree she is not doing it intentionally.

I have learned to have my own plans and do things when my daughter is sleeping. She has been under all kinds of severe stress and she has nightmares often but on very important days she gets herself up and accomplishes what she was supposed to do.

I hope you will be able to confide in her how very frustrated this makes you feel.

I also agree that she is in a negative feed back loop. I think all she misses from sleeping is hurting her more.

Good for you for being so supportive and understanding. She is lucky to have you. I think you are thinking and feeling very normal for going through this with her.

I wish you the best.

Just an idea but mabe you could go to counseling with her to address this one. It may or may not work. But It might work to help you both come to a compromise of some kind.