Only One Emotion

[Roli]

Most days, I'm clocked into numbness. It's not too bad for me, it's as though I'm always calm and nothing can shake me. I'm almost never stressed by the small things. I've seen quite an array of therapists and they all have the same advice "if it doesn't bother you, then continue doing as you are." They've all suggested that since I've coped well enough on my own, to not approach therapy unless my symptoms grow to a more severe level.

But when it comes to dealing with an emotional situation, it seems as though I only have one emotion that exists outside of the numbness. I usually just call it "overwhelming". When I get in a fight with my s/o, overwhelming. When I see something beautiful, overwhelming. When something is difficult to do, overwhelming. It takes a decent emotional load to cause me to react this way, and this is only something that happens once every few months (once I'm removed from the situation, it goes away almost instantly).

When this occurs, it's as though I can no longer think straight. I can't make words happen nor can I describe how I feel. I'm curious as to how many others have a similar experience to mine and if you've been able to find what mechanisms are causing this reaction. Thoughts completely come to a halt, I cannot even speak most of the time outside of "yes" and "no."

 

[Deleted member 1860]

When the trauma part of our brains kicks into gear, the speech part oftentimes shuts down.

I have a feeling you're not coping well. Do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling numb? No joy, no sadness, nothing?

Have you seen a trauma therapist before?

 

[arfie]

I had to double check and make sure you aren't my husband... Unfortunately, the sons and I see allot more fluctuation than he owns up to. He is far from helpful in a crisis and can escalate a other people's problems into a full-blown crisis. He never committed to therapy, but opening himself to counseling sure helped ease the strain on the family who had to take credit for all the imperfections of life.

Putting aside comparisons based on insufficient data, I would agree with your therapist. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Especially if your s/o agrees. Life never will be perfect.

 

[Justmehere]

Did this start after trauma happened in your life? If so, it sounds like maybe you are caught in the numb - floods cycle of alternating being numbed out and flooded. I used to experience it a lot.

What worked for me was to learn to ground and be mindful and the numbness would wear off more gently instead of moments of floodgates being opened. The more numb someone is there tends to be a greater amount of flooding - times of overwhelming emotions.

While the numbness doesn't feel like a problem, it probably actually is a problem leading to these moments of being flooded.

A good trauma therapist should be able to help you work this out. I'm sorry that the therapists you have talked to so far have not been so helpful.

 

[greenleaf]

@Roli, it sounds to me like you're saying this way of being is really *not* ok, but maybe it's hard to stay in touch with that during your numb-but-functional periods. I agree that a trauma therapist would be better... maybe you could try your best to remember to communicate about the overwhelmed periods, not minimize them? Do you usually go into the numb-but-functional state as soon as you're with the therapists, no matter how you were doing 5 minutes before?

I know my defenses are very good at minimizing difficult periods given the least opportunity! This might have something to do with not feeling safe enough with the therapist yet? But if you're numb you don't even feel unsafe, so you can't communicate that either, or tell what the issue is. Thus the need for a better therapist!

 

[Roli]

Since I was around nine years old, I've been bounced around to several therapists. It seems as though many of them are concerned with making things worse. I still manage to hold meaningful relationships and keep my grades and motivation up in college, and I've learned to work through it productively in my studies or volunteering.

My numb state is a state I am in throughout everyday. These flares of overwhelming emotions tend to only arise every couple of months and are most commom when someone is angry at me.

Unfortunately, with the state of my family, my stresses aren't all wiped away at this point.