Only Person In The World

[Definitely..maybe]

I'm really sorry in advance because I know this is going to sound so crazy. I'm pretty sure it's a dissociation thing and will clarify with my doctor this week when I find out how to better describe it!

I've been doing emdr several months now and while I know it helps- it definitely makes me dissociate a lot worse than normal, which my doctors all say is completely normal.

This isn't a constant thought- it's only fleeting but when it happens I just feel so crazy and mostly trapped, because if I'm so messed up to think this way, I don't know how to fix it. But sometimes I'll be out and have these thoughts of 'is this real?' 'Are we really having this conversation?' 'Is this all really happening?' 'Am I the only person in the world and everything else is my imagination?!?'

Gosh, I'm embarrased to post this because I know it doesn't make sense so I would love any input. I've just finished up my summer classes so I have more time to myself and I think I just need to constantly stay busy, otherwise I guess my symtoms get the better of me. My family is pretty close but all my friends are farther so I see them less (mostly text friends) so I feel like maybe that's adding to this feeling of loneliness and texting doesn't really allow you to see each other's emotions- you can say whatever you want when you don't have to see the person. Maybe it's that.

Things will change will school and work in the next few weeks so hopefully that's helps too, maybe this is just a bad week.

Thank you anybody for helping

 

[scout86]

I think there's a branch of philosophy (I don't remember the name) that says that nothing in the outside world is "real" the only thing that's "real" is our thoughts and perceptions. So, maybe other people aren't even real, maybe one of us is making them up.

That probably doesn't make you feel any better, right off. But, what you're experiencing is actually something famous people have thought about and written about. I think, with the EMDR, and dissociation and all, feeling that way is kind of understandable. Maybe you can just look at it as PTSD playing games with your brain. I'm sure you're right, having time on your hands either makes it "worse" or makes you more aware of it.

You don't sound crazy, just observant.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@scout86 thank you so much for 'listening' and for telling me that- it helps and you've definitely reassured me! I really appreciate both more than you know

 

[greenleaf]

Have you read about dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, and so on? It sounds like you have some. Everyone seems to describe these a little differently. I think the self-perception "mirror" in our brains must be getting messed with by the ptsd...

Researchers don't really understand the "mirror" or even just consciousness; some other animal species can recognize themselves in a physical mirror, others can't... but I think many that can't, are still aware of themselves, but their internal "mirror" may be different than humans'. Just a theory but I know my cats are very self-aware, and also highly aware of the services I should be providing for them. :-)

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@greenleaf I haven't read much but I'm about to go do that right now:) thank you so much for taking the time to help and respond!

Ptsd just feels never ending sometimes, causing so many additional side effects!

 

[greenleaf]

p.s. as a kid I thought I was mentally distancing myself from the trauma by sort of viewing everything about my life in a mirror; instead of being right there in a horrible situation, "I" was a layer away, so I could filter things in that mirror layer and not feel it all directly.

 

[Chava]

I'm not doing EMDR, but I have experienced some dissociation like you describe (I consider that to be the derealization sort). The most weird moment was sitting in my own studio, looking at the bookshelf and feeling like I didn't know where that came from, whose it was, or how I got there. Just fleeting.

Sometimes treatment helps me get more in touch with my reality but sometimes things get a little more weird. I don't like text messages at all. I'm really verbal so probably express too much via e-mail to my therapist, and stuff I couldn't actually say just sitting in therapy. There is a disconnection when you don't see the person. And I seem to have that sort of bad sometimes, where other people seem to not exist or I don't exist to them or some communication like text gives the relationship no context. My dad seems to only communicate through mass text messages and I've even wondered, "Who is this person?!" He's my dad. But even he can seem unreal. I don't live close to my family. They would seem more real if I did. In general I think I'm very concrete, but also have self-other issues and some of this derealization stuff.

Also, what's really weird (but maybe good) is that my old reality was probably very disconnected. And as I get more connected to myself, my outer reality or the ways I've interacted with the world, takes on a weird tone at times...unreal, artificial, etc. My old defenses, which felt completely normal, don't seem to fit as well all the time. So I think my connection to myself is changing, hopefully in a good way, but that would certainly shake things up a bit. Hope that makes a little sense. Sounds pretty weird!

If you feel like the edmr is helpful and you can tolerate some weird stuff, then it's probably okay. Just mention to your therapist so the pace of things is manageable.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Chava thank you so much for sharing that! That all makes complete sense, and the way you describe it is so good! I'm sorry you struggle with those thoughts. Honestly, you all have helped so much tonight. Thank you so SO much

 

[Nyssa]

From time to time, I get this disturbing doubt about wether I'm in a dream or not. I've always had that. It also makes me feel as if I'm crazy. Fortunately, it doesn't stay long.

What helps me is to remember that dreams are weirder than the reality I'm experiencing, no matter how foggy and distant reality feels. It has a different "quality", and I can recognize that because I sometimes have lucid dreams (dreams in which you know you're dreaming). it doesn't make the derealization any less weird, but at least I know I'm not having a dream. And knowing I am in reality makes it less stressful.

Maybe, you could try to explore what your imaginary contents "feel" like to you (and concentrate on those where you feel like you're the only person in the world, if you have any). Thus, you could compare that feeling with your experience of "Is this real?" when it happens.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

I can be driving down a road that I've driven down many many times just to suddenly think the road doesn't really exist. I've been doing it so long that I can kinda just laugh at myself and keep on going. I "forget" where I am and how I got there. Sometimes I'm someone else. I mean I'm me, but I'm "someone else" at the same time. I have conversations that never actually happened and forget conversations that did happen. Everything (including myself) become unreal at times. I just call it the time warp.

I used to be terrified when it happened.... now I just pretty much throw it in the "time warp" bucket and just go on. It can be embarrassing at times, but I tell anyone who needs me to remember something to text or email/im me. That's pretty much how I deal with the time warp effect.

TK