Opening Up

[healingangel90]

I've been in therapy for 5 weeks now and opening up has continuously been a big concern of mine. Up until today, I thought I was gradually progressing from week to week. However, today's session seemed like a huge step back. I wasn't able to talk about anything at all. My therapist had to pretty much try and force me to come up with something to talk about. I'm terrified of opening up to someone, but I know that it's something I need to do. It took me 3 years to finally take the step to get some help, and I now feel like maybe I'm just wasting her time and should stop going. I don't want to stop because I know it's something that helps get me through the week and it's something I look forward to, but if I'm not able to talk, what's the point? This therapy is free through my university, so it's not like I'm paying her for her time, so I just feel like I should not be wasting her time and wasting my university's resources. Any input on this would be really appreciated because I'm torn between staying in therapy or not.

 

[Lionheart]

Therapy progress is typically one step forward and two steps back, so that it can sometimes seem as if there is no progress or that the progress is too unimportant to matter.....it isn't!!! All of the small victories made in therapy will eventually begin to add up to some big changes, so I hope you will not give up on yourself or on therapy!!!!

I know it is tough to talk about our trauma, but it is a necessary step towards healing. I also understand that it is very frustrating to be early on in therapy because the changes don't seem to happen fast enough. I hope you will find the strenght and courage to continue on this important healing journey that you have begun.

My best to you,
LH

 

[12roses]

I had an almost identical experience when I first started going to therapy. I am in college, and was at the time I started seeing a therapist, at my school. It was torture to go, I dreaded it all week, even though the therapist was very kind and we got along, i just didn't want to open up. I felt like I was wasting her time, and that it was worthless even going, because it certainly got worse before it got better. My flash backs only increased in intensity when i first went, probably because I was stirring everything up. I had waited several years after my trauma to actually seek help, therefore opening up was like re-opening a wound that I was trying it ignore. However, things did start to get better, and I found it easier to open up, i'm sure you will too! Hang in there, and keep on going! It may take a long time to open up but thats ok! Its nice to hear that I'm not the only one who felt like this :)

 

[Deimos]

This happened to me a few months back. I was doing great and the trauma flood gates opened up. I covered a lot of ground in therapy and then I hit a wall. I shut down and couldn't couldn't even think about my trauma. I continued to see my T weekly but it was about 2 months I couldn't deal with the past. I avoided my trauma in our sessions but I talked about other aspects of my life. It actually worked out well because my T got to know me in different aspects. She told me that shutting down is ok as long as I pick it up later and not give up. I think that we process so much negative emotions and events that we sometimes need to take a break so we don't burn out.

Like Lionheart said, its 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Keep taking steps no matter how big or small they may be and you'll get closer to the goal.

 

[VDWngr1355]

I have the same issue. I have only been going to therapy for three months, every two weeks for hour. I talked in the first three sessions a lot and after that have shut down. I try but my brain just hasn't been able to function. It is frustrating.

 

[cat]

I think this is a very common reaction to therapy. When I started sessions I was fine for two weeks then suddenly during the third session clammed up & said very little for the next few weeks. I was paying for therapy & in the end my T said she didnt feel she was helping me so did I want to stop, that maybe i wasnt quite ready for it yet. I left her office feeling I'd let myself down but after emailing her realised it was something i had to do, there was no option. I think its fine to go through these times as long as we talk about them after all, most of us have spent years trying to cover up what we are feeling it takes time & patience with ourselves to change that.

Therapy & recovery is tough & needs to be taken in tiny, tiny steps. In time they will form bigger steps & you will notice the progress you are making. Hang on in there, its worth every minute!

I finished therapy in July after 21/2yrs & have to say its the best thing i've ever done. I know & understand myself far better & the anxiety i suffered for the last 50yrs is well under control.

Good luck with therapy everyone, keep strong & keep going, forward is the only way!

 

[healingangel90]

Thank you so much for all of your replies and sharing your experiences with therapy! It's good to know that it's normal to shut down like this. I'm going to keep trying and making little changes. Thanks once again for the motivation. You guys are all so strong for sticking with therapy and recovering because now I see how tough it can be. I really hope I can do the same :)

 

[cat]

You will do Healingangel & we're all here to support you through it. :)

 

[SimplyComplex]

at a year and a half I still struggle. If it is a therapist worth anything, she will allow you to slowly open up...she will push at times. Give yourself time...lots of time.

 

[healingangel90]

Thanks SimplyComplex. My therapist is really great with that - and just to update, I have slowly been able to open up. I've realized that writing things down and bringing in a list really helps me. Its just hard because I know that I only have a few more months until graduation, and I will no longer be allowed to see her. I hope I'm able to find someone just as great after college.

 

[maddog]

Writing things down beforehand can indeed be an excellent way of getting some momentum going when you're struggling, because it means your T can help you a little by prompting and initiating some of the difficult discussionl. I know that sometimes it's that getting started part that really strangles me, whereas once I've gotten through those first agonising little statements, it can get a little easier.

As so many others have said, therapy is very much a stop start process and any decent T will understand this and adjust their pace and intensity accordingly. Sometimes I think it's healthy and necessary to take a break from the big stuff, to allow your mind time to process and integrate and your emotions some time to settle and stabilise and reestablish safety and security in the relationship.

God, I trust my T enormously and have been seeing him once or twice weekly for 21 months, yet still it's horribly difficult sometimes to talk.

I really hope you can make the most of your remaining months with such a great T - it can't be easy to know that this relationship has an end in sight.

Take care.

Maddog

 

[healingangel90]

Thanks maddog! It is really hard knowing that I only have a few more months with her, but I'd like to try to get everything I can out of therapy until then. As for getting started being the hard part, I've felt the same way. Once I am able to build up the courage to bring up a topic, it usually doesn't end up being as hard to talk about as I had thought. I think keeping that in mind could help me with bringing up more serious topics.

Everyone's replies have really helped me make the decision to keep going on with therapy and try harder instead of giving up.