Sexual Assault Oral Sexual Abuse Triggering

[Deleted member 27340]

and really was the final nail in self hatred

This applies to me so much. It's so gross, and I struggle differencing between the gross experience and the gross me.

In the early days( pre processing) some memories were clear but emotionally distanced...like a thick, thick fog....emotional barrier...a lot I had totally forgotten , a bit like how you have a bad dream, know it was bad, but don't remember til later in the day what the dream was about....It suddenly hits you....that's what it was like bringing the forgotten parts back.

From your description I'm in the middle of getting things back... It's like a bad dream you suddenly remember, and the time it takes me to acknowledge the things that happened as real is like the time it takes you to connect that the dream was a dream.

 

[WildMermaid]

This will sound really strange probably... when you're ready you may want to "reclaim" your body. For me this meant tattoos, choosing the way I wanted to dress, chopping off my hair then growing it out- personal choices in other words. I also had to learn to "own" my mouth, throat, and other bits. I am the only one that decides what this body does or does not choose to do. Think of what the word "body" means to you, list the parts, see where your traumas are within it collage things onto it, or color it in if it helps. I posted a couple of body outline charts and while a rather juvenile approach I have found things like this helpful in acknowledging my early bodily traumas. Not sure if it will help you at all but here they are anyway... [DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/albums/albums/little-stuffs.68/[/DLMURL]

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Thanks, @WildMermaid . I chopped off 60cm of hair about a year ago, not sure why, but I did. Now it's growing out again and I'm really not sure if I want to cut it shorter again or let it grow long. I kinda want a short, punk-ish hairstyle. Short hair would also allow simpler androgynous look if I wish that on some days. With long hair my face is really feminine.

Thanks. I'll look at them. It might actually help, and even if I don't use the prints I might just steal the idea and draw the bodies myself prior to "decorating".

 

[AuraBunny]

I have these flashbacks when someone of the similar stature or build as my ex towers over me. It's really scary to me because he used to pressure me and yell and he was twice my size at 6'1". I was seeing him around age 17, and he was 21. I don't get so triggered by food but when men speak over me or are taller, I get nervous. Now since my wisdom teeth has come out, I also have teeth grinding as a nervous habit....

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I can somehow relate to that, @AuraBunny . If anyone leans towards me in a threatening way, are male and taller than I am, I'll mentally or physically run away from the situation. These things happened to me when I was a child, though. I have a really poor overview of my triggers, really. But I do have one flashback that's basically just the feeling of being on the ground and a silhouette towering above me. It's no fun.
Sorry you had to go through those things.

 

[AngryRugby]

I have experienced precisely what you describe. It is a remarkably terrifying sensation.
I used to grab Buckleys or something of that ilk to attempt to reactivate my throat. Now what I do which may prove to be beneficial to you, is treat it as a flashback, and use your preferred grounding techniques. I personally hyper-focus on the world around me, studying the movements of my animals or simply something blowing in the wind. The level of focus required to study the living world to that degree can sometimes "Reset" your psyche into the present. Puzzles/difficult literature/music can also help. Basically anything that can bring you "back into the present" mentally.
I hope this provides you with some form of relief.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Yes, it's awful. Yesterday I was triggered from something, and instead of what I described in the first post here, I had the taste of semen in my mouth. I denied that that was what I tasted up until my buddy who was gone for 10 minutes then came back to find me in a wreck asked me what it tasted like. I think I was left with the taste flashback for about 3 hours, during that time I was dissociated and into regression. I totally spaced out and could barely speak. Scared the shit out of my friend.

Like I mentioned in chat, I use the Rubik's cube for grounding. It's efficient and fun, and also makes funny noises and is something you can play with.
So puzzles and music can help me. I like music a lot (almost wrote musik there lol). Hard literature is not really a tool for me, I don't read books all that well :P I read one page and I'm so done with that thing. My thoughts go drifting after three sentences.

 

[Tobepresent]

This started when I was thirteen. I would suddenly feel as if i couldn't breathe and heart would race etc. I learned that I was having anxiety attacks.

Over time it has changed. I can feel every muscle in my face mouth and throat tighten like steel. I can't breathe despite gasping in air.

What would trigger this for me was swallowing food that was unchewed and I could feel it slide down my throat. I could spend an hour convincing myself after an event like that of my being able to breathe.

But it sometimes just comes. For no reason whatsoever. I had originally thought it was because I had choked on a candy but now I know after recovering a memory of being orally abuses that this is why.

Also the smell of bleach will set me off until I have had a shower.

 

[Weemie]

Suffocating, eating food, hyperawareness. Sensation. People near my head, touching my head. Getting my hair cut? Absof*ckinglutely NO way in hell. One of my worst triggers. Ties with water, suffocation. Brushing teeth. Eating food. Only things I can stand are rice, coffee and energy drinks. Choking. Throat closing up. Think I'm having an allergic reaction. Nope, just me.