Relationship Others Who Don't Know Sufferer Has Ptsd

[LilBit]

As if being ignored by the sufferer in my life who has ptsd isn't difficult enough, another person they are friends with who does not know they suffer from ptsd is telling me lots of crap about how obviously my sufferer does not care about me or want me in their life etc etc. Won't talk to you, that ought to tell you all you need to know. My feelings hurt, my heart is broken, and I am feeling resentful. It must be nice to be the bubbly fun person the sufferer enjoys because they don't know and WON'T ASK about all the hard and personal stuff. The risk-free individual who won't notice the signs she is struggling or hold her accountable for anything. Anybody else have issues caused not by the person with ptsd, but others around who don't understand the dynamics of ptsd relationships? I am so angry. It is like we each know a different person. How can this other friend NOT KNOW about the ptsd?

 

[nursenurse]

The problem is, what she is saying could be true, however in the scheme of things, it isn't her place to comment unless you asked her. And some people are very good actors. They show what they want, and she does not have to show the PTSD to the fun folks, because that is what they are. Fun. Superficial. Nothing more.

Please look after yourself. If she is ignoring you, keep working on your life. That one person should not hold the key to your happiness. You do.

 

[LilBit]

Oh I know it is not all about my sufferer. I think it is just all wearing on me. I have another close friend who is in major crisis. I have done all I can to alleviate the situation. Trying to be supportive but cannot do any more. And rather tired of hearing some of it although I would never say so. She has been awesome to listen to me and my problems. But I cannot change her dysfunctional family and I was tired of them in the late 90's to be brutally honest. And I am very discouraged about that situation. It isn't actually my sufferer or her behavior that is causing me grief, it is the ''fun'' person deliberately hurting my feelings and preying on my doubts. I truly do not get the jealousy. Why would you be jealous of me when she talks to you?? If she would like to trade places and let me be the fun one I would be glad to. But I really do not know how you could not see the ptsd, how can you be so blind?

 

[kahlan]

Some people are just that way, whether its malicious or her "thinking" she's helping you. Just worry about you and what you do.

 

[gone]

I'd request from the "fun" one that he/she keep their "insights" about you and the sufferer to themselves. The sufferer may be sharing feelings with this person, but it's definitely not the fun one's business to tell you about your private relationship with the sufferer. I'd tell him/her to stfu, maybe remind him/her there are two sides to every story.

 

[LilBit]

If this wasn't playing out in my workplace, trust me I would have already done so. The sufferer is no longer there, moved away. But when I texted her something that triggered her, she shared her meltdown with the "fun" one. Who has no clue what is actually going on. It is hard as a Christian because I feel like the fun person is sort of a victim here. She really feels like the sufferer is a "best" friend, but the sufferer views her as temporary. Not someone who will keep up with her, not a lasting friendship. Something that will peter out.

The fun person is definitely malicious and purposely hurtful to me, but it is hard for me to put her in her place because I feel like the sufferer has put her in that position. And yes folks, I am a Libra, have to see all sides of everything!! The sufferer has told me on multiple occasions that she has PTSD. And knows that although I haven't changed behaviours FAST ENOUGH for her, that I was trying. And reading about PTSD to try to figure it out. Our talking has always been about me being committed to being a permanent part of her life. Which for her is tremendously triggering.

The cause of her PTSD is a death and major betrayal/abandonment. Hence the massive back pedal on her part. For her to believe anyone will stay and not harm her or her loved ones is a major leap of faith. I probably owe the fun one an apology, when she confronted me breathing threats and mixing truth with fiction, I purposely lied to her. She asked me something and I told her it was because the sufferer was freaking bipolar. I just wanted to see if she would correct me. If she really was a best friend she would know she is not bipolar. But she didn't.

 

[nursenurse]

You don't owe her anything, she is nothing to you. Don't complicate your situation by trying to explain it to a nobody third party. She will never get it.

 

[LilBit]

Thank you. I know she will never get it. I just feel like I am being judgmental of her and I really don't want to do that. But she really is pretty clueless. I think she sincerely just wants to defend her friend. But defending your friend has never meant you had to be offensive to me. She could defend her friend in a way that does not hurt and demean me. So yes, I owe her nothing. But all her talking about me being a stalker has really messed with my head. (Which of course is the purpose.) My sufferer has not told me to stop, so I suppose that should be the only input that matters. She knows all she has to say is one word: goodbye. And I am DONE.

 

[LilBit]

And the "fun" one views me as the nobody third party!! We met the sufferer at the same time, but they were personal friends far longer. I see it as one of my other friends puts it, ''It's a big tent." I have so many friends and acquaintances it is sooo hard for me to understand that attitude of possessiveness. Why can't the poor sufferer be friends with both of us? Why any need at all for either/or, me not you? I have friends who are openly bisexual and friends who are Fundamentalist Conservative Pentecostal ministers. And trust me never the twain shall meet. But I love them all. My relationships are each unique. I don't understand why the fun one cannot see that this causes the poor ptsd sufferer distress. I don't want to walk away just because another party causes her stress. But she is not a person who can choose. I am trying to do as you say, her childhood best friend does just that. Never pays attention to anybody else, just does what she needs to do.

 

[nursenurse]

Let them both be, then. Karma and all that. If your sufferer is worth her salt, she will see the light, your job is not to protect her as much as you might feel you should. Protect your heart first. The rest will come. And if it doesn't come from her, it will be okay with time.

 

[LilBit]

It just hurts to be the throw away. The one pushed away. The one that is just worth so little that it is easy to leave me behind without the CLOSURE I have literally begged for. What is so hard about saying GOODBYE? When you know leaving someone hanging is hurting them? I know it is probably the ptsd. I think my sufferer is one that takes really long periods to adjust to major moves. And the only way she seems able to adjust is by leaving hurt people behind.

 

[aj1]

@LilBit, while our stories are all unique, if you are willing to accept her saying goodbye, and are so longing for it, can you take the upper hand and say goodbye to her? I do not mean you have to send her a message, but to honestly look at yourself and say, that's it. I have done all I should do and more. I need to make peace with this. I deserve to be at peace with this.

If you cannot, then continue to fight, but how long will it be worth it? You can still love your friend, but start taking care of you too.

I am not ashamed to admit, my pride was hurt when I lost my friend. Somewhere along the way I gave up that pride. I realized she had power over me, weather she knew it or not, but I was the only one giving her that power. Once I brought this to light in my own mind, she lost that power.

My door will always be unlocked if she should come knocking, but it's cold out there right now. I had to close that door to warm myself.;)