Our Own Worst Enemies - Opinions Please

[Tinyflame]

Some things I avoided for decades I became able to overcome, with 'gentle' exposure I would say, trying, and applying what I learned to recognize and deal with triggers. It is possible and gratifying! It also helps to understand 'why' I did what I did. Some triggers however, are very toxic. They are not only triggers but unhealthy and hopefully can be replaced.

On the other hand, I carry a lot of external and internal blame. It seems much I try to deal with 'dealing with it' doesn't seem meant to be, not just failing at the trying but no avenue to address it. Which, on one hand, is in some ways less fearful- avoidance is familiar. But I would rather reduce it. But then again, for example, it took me 25 years to tell anyone about (2) suicide attempts (just confession at church). I'm 43 now, I have to recognize my limitations, 25-year increments won't get me very far. However, one can only do the best they can, try to legitimately face the fear, not cause others problems as well. It's quite exhausting however. At least when a trigger is managed or there is 'progress' it brings some relief and happiness/ energy.

 

[Springer80]

Our first attempt at acclimating will not always be a success. Maybe try looking at what didn't work well, account for that and try again? I seem to be in the minority in my thinking - but I refuse to accept the way my life is right now. I have tried things to work through these symptoms, some were a success some were a failure. I look at what went wrong and try try again.

Hi Pirate Lady,

ABSOLUTELY! I'm not 32 yet, I have worked my backside off to get to a place where I could provide a better life for myself. I've fought off drug addiction and all sorts. I realise this isn't unique by any stretch. I want a better, fuller life with people I love. However, All the effort I've made has been in direct competition against my body. I have to stop. I don't have a choice. Yes I want to adapt but I need a life which is full and yet modified not to exacerbate my symptoms. I don't know how to achieve that. My cognition is slow. It alarms me and I try not to think about it because that in turn stresses me out which brings on exhaustion. It's like trying to fight out of a paper bag without ripping it. As I said to my boss I desperately want to be active but I need to rest. I need a Zen Grand Master to help me out.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow Springer, yes, sounds like that did more harm than good! To get better despite them, yikes. Yes, I can definitely relate to feeling 'inherently defective'.

((((Big Hugs))) to you, too, :hug:.

 

[Tinyflame]

Me too, Springer. At 14 onward, though mostly about 18 onward, I fought rage, booze, gambling, suicidal ideation, selfishness, lying to hide it all, utter recklessness, self harm, depression (wonder why, lol), and getting into drugs, to try to deal with this. Then removing toxic, and abusive relationships. I wish I were further along, myself. I (physically) survived when I shouldn't have so many times, yet here I still am, in some ways I feel no farher, just more tired, and definitely unable to grasp why (to what purpose) I am still 'here'.

Fortunately, much of that is 20 or 30 years past, but it has left me unafraid of what I should be afraid of, and afraid of what I shouldn't be. :( I'd like to get this noose off my neck. Plus peace- peace and joy are nice! :)

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Really interesting thread and great points being made.

I think there is a bit of both with me. For example, if I was to remain in a stressful situation that perpetuates the core of the stressors, I would be overwhelmed and not able to progress. Like cutting off my family who Caused and perpetuated the trauma. If they are in my life still abusing and traumatising me, how can I possibly expect to heal? I needed to put boundaries around family stressors to ensure my safety and healing, and my hubby simply had to respect that boundary and modify (through understanding and kindness) his reactions to his non PTSD everyday stressors. If he had not bended and respected those boundaries, our relationship would have been even more severely impacted and I would not have found any peace in my head.

I think determining which stressors to remove has to do with the trauma you sufferred and if it is a core or key stressor, you need to cut it out if your life to allow time to process the reaction. this stressor needs more work on framing in T as it is trauma specific.

But, cutting somehing out for the tie being doesn't always mean giving it up forever. If we lower the exposure to core stressors, then there a re environmental stressors we can deal with with greater confidence. The cup does not consist of only one stressor, but many and varied. Removing some should allow the space to address those you can't remove. Like the bird in the window can be addressed now, while there is no threat from abusive people in immedate life. Or in the case of the original poster, perhaps a smaller group of children or being able to walk away from the noise, or wearing headphones to cut out the sensory stressor could be options for moderated exposure. We need to have the management techniques in our hands of course and the ability to control what we can in the stressful situation, while acknowledging that we can't control everything.

There are stressors I will always avoid, because it is my trauma. But I can manage looking at trees now because I waited until I was stable and then controlled my exposure to them. I see trees everyday, so you can imagine the anxiety that had caused. Thus, that stressor I cannot avoid and needed to address it to a level of being age to gound and manage that anxiety, by focusing on the beautiful arts if a tree and only in the control of a litte bit at a time and in full daylight.

I guess what I am saying is that exposure is not about throwing yourself into the deep end of an already merky pool, it is about breaking the stressor down, into bite sized pieces and controlling the stressor and the subsequent reaction. It invokes a lot of knowing where the stressor comes from and what you feel as much as an awareness of your inner reactions as well as a social consciousness.

Boundaries are really important for people like us, and they must be respected at all times. Stressors exist even for the more normal people in this world, so stressors have to be managed. If boundaries are not respected relationships will fail, if stressors exist within the boundaries established that is the norm. It is more of the emotional reaction everyobe has that causes friction. Boundaries go two ways.

It is not healthy to be thrown into a merky pool because of social expectations because others expect pushing you in you will get over the fear (a parental tool which is often considered the social norm). PTSD is an illness a d can't be treated like this. However, it is also detrimental to spend the rest of your life avoiding dipping your just your toe into the pool when the stressors are a facet of everyday life.

The point is you can't eat an elephant all at once, you need to take little bites.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think that's very accurate, PTSD sufferer, to not think black-and-white. No one wants to burden others, also.

I don't overestimate my abilities, but I underestimate my fragilities. Guess like PL said you have to 'try'.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

I completely relate to underestimating my fragilities. There have defina tely been many WTF moments with my stressors and they do catch me off guard often. I do tend to push myself more than is required though :) When it comes to overestimating and surprise stressors, I excuse myself and walk away, write down the event on my stressors and triggers list, then when in a better frame of mind, I try to understand where it came from and why I have these feelings. Most of the time it is incoherent until I take it to T and I start to make connections a bit more in my brain. The grounding is key all the time. But I am getting better at seeing the connections if I ground effective, because the anxiety is lessened with effective grounding.

But, I won't expose myself again until I am well and can ground effectively, then it is still a little bit at a time. Like holding and focusing on a leaf rather than its branches, or looking at the tree while squinting or wearing my hubbys glasses - unconventional methods, but sometimes we need to be inventive in how we approach things...It's about what is working and not working for the individual.

We may push ourselves ( which has its positives) and underestimate our fragilities ( our oops too far moments) or not even know what obscure stressors exist (that actually make sense later)....but once we know what the problem or stressor is, we can take our foot of the peddle and allow ourselves the time, patience and kindness to process and heal. Then try again when we are ready to face it with what we know. Trying is a good thing, if we Have knowledge of why the stressor exists, have our management tools out and give ourselves permission to try again later :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Not that it's at all relevant, but I didn't get into drugs, just avoided them. Reminded me of the way I write things may not be clear.

I totally agree PTSD sufferer, with all you have said. As it refers to triggers, exposure, etc. I think you are right on the money.

But I have been trying to find the words (to understand it myself), and I can only come up with this much. I have tried and tried and tried to ask for help, be patient, assume responsibilty for my 'ptsd reactions', but help is not meant to be. I guess I don't deserve it, according to God, because it seems God even doesn't want that, for me. I can't try anymore. In terms of management- of course- that's a (daily, constant) necessity or requirement. But beyond that, it's hopeless to keep trying, asking, repeating, if God doesn't want it to be so. I don't mean this within a 'religious bent', just my own attempts/ beliefs/ understanding. Just don't deserve it, I guess. Not the right heart, or something.

 

[Red Feather]

This thread is so important for me. Amazing. I love what Piratelady said because it gives me hope. Yes, my ex and abuser is a stressor for me. He doesn't always trigger me, but he stresses me to say the least. Yes having to deal with him over and over again, just so I can see my children is a big stressor. Even more so, yes, saying goodbye to my children is an even bigger stressor, trigger or retraumatisation (this is still unsure.) Yes I HAVE to deal with this over and over again, otherwise I do the avoidance game and what is the result???

Avoiding and being numb to the pain has caused me so much trouble already.

I don't have the option to remove this stressor from my life, unless I end my life. This also is not an option. My children are more important to me. I have to be able to deal with this situation until it can change. It has been six years now. Trying to be on speaking terms with my ex is part of it. Trying to be okay with him around is also part of it. I don't think this an option for everybody, I wouldn't tell anybody that this is the right thing to do. But it is something I have to do because I see no other way out. PTSD can't keep me trapped anymore.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Just don't deserve it, I guess. Not the right heart, or something.

(((Junebug))) the only thing wrong with your heart is that it has been broken by those who perpetrated you.

God gave you a white heart - pure love, kindness and compassion. I see that everyday on the forum, it is impossible for God not to see that too!!!

Man did this to you, and man is the only person responsible - not you and not God, sweetheart.

We need to mend some of the brokeness in our hearts. It is ok to take a break from fighting everything, but don't ever give up on yourself or question your heart. The only people we should give up on and question the hearts of are our perpetrators.

If you ever want to just let it all out to someone, where you don't need to make perfect sense, I will listen and be there for you. I really wish I could give you a hug right now xxoo

 

[Meadowsweet]

It's a thought provoking thread.

Part of the diagnostic criteria of PTSD are symptoms of avoidance. But at the time I was removing stressors from my life, it was (as scaredoflonely mentioned) the only thing I could do at that time to prevent a more serious deterioration of my mental health.

Almost immediately after removing myself from the people who were in my life, I felt much more stable. But the need to avoid close relationships to keep myself stable forms part of my diagnosis.

I think the problem is that removing stressors is only a temporary relief. But in time, when that stressor is gone, another stressor will come along and replace it.

I do believe that removing myself from stressors was the right thing at the time. But it was also the impetus for me to realise something was wrong and seek help to find a more permanent healing.

I've never been 'right'. I've gone through drugs and don't think it's bad luck that I've found abusive relationships over again. I think that is something wrong with my ability to view myself or others sensibly. So I don't want to go back to who I was before or anything.

But I think I can maybe create a life better than it ever was.

 

[zbztster]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

I peaked out for almost two years. I suffered most of the nervous system spikes, the startle responses, frazzled nerves, near constant exhaustion. I talked to my wife about moving out of the house and getting an apartment down the street. It was a good idea but I never moved on it because I thought it would be "running" from the problem and it just didn't seem right. That was three years ago. I'm divorced now and my ex wife can't stand me. I have five kids still at home and I miss them every day.

I'm getting my stuff under control but I don't think I can ever make up for everything that brewed up to the surface and destroyed a 25 year marriage. Couples have to be strong for each other if they want to make it through intact.