Ourselves pre- and post-trauma

[Lionheart]

I was so young that I am not sure there is a "pre-trauma me"...at least not one with words for his experiences.

However, I do remember the effect that multiple traumas had on me at the age of 13 when I assume I was "pre-PTSD"... and that is; I lost a sense of innocence and purity, I lost a strong connection with my Creator, and I lost trust in people and life in general..., Not to mention that I lost confidence in and love for, myself.

Still, of all my losses, I think the one that hurt me the most is that I lost the ability to chose who, when, and how I would have my first sexual experience.

I cannot go back in time and recover the things I lost but I can recover the essence of these things and to a great degree I have. Only my trust in others remains damaged, but even that is getting better as I come to trust my own judgment and intuition more.

(I would never say that I am glad that trauma happened but I am happy that I can say that I have been on a healing path for close to two decades).

 

[ILoveLife]

I had a talk with a friend about this.
It's more like. We had life and enjoyed living before trauma, or during denial in case of childhood trauma. It's more of a case of is there life again after trauma, will life seem good again?

I can tell you yes. Even when you still have consequences to deal with.

There was a time when I thought life just about ended for me. I felt like shrodiggers cat, not really knowing if I was alive or dead.

One thing that lifted my spirits was reaching a place of "ok I don't need to be obsessing about trauma all the time". And I basically went from 24/7 thinking and dreaming about it to thinking about it very subtly once or twice a day. I'm aiming for on occasion without denial.

What I noticed was that because I kept talking about it, thinking about it and dwelling on it, that my mind just couldn't find joy anywhere. Because there is no joy in trauma, if dwelling on it is my entire day, then obviously I won't find joy in anything.

So, we all have things we like and dislike about ourselves, that doesn't change with trauma. It lays dormant while other stuff is happening inside.

It's possible to just get relief and work on recovery with other means without the need to dwell on it.

 

[katz]

For me the struggle is that I don’t have a “pre”. That has always been my normal. Hence I struggle to accept my experiences as traumatising. So knowing what “post” looks like is a total WTAF moment.

I can really relate to this. My "experiences" happened when I was so young that I only know the world as "a very dangerous place ". Then as I got older, they continued, leaving me to believe that I will never know who or what I was supposed to be like. I find this very sad.

 

[katz]

I was so young that I am not sure there is a "pre-trauma me"...at least not one with words for his experiences.

However, I do remember the effect that multiple traumas had on me at the age of 13 when I assume I was "pre-PTSD"... and that is; I lost a sense of innocence and purity, I lost a strong connection with my Creator, and I lost trust in people and life in general..., Not to mention that I lost confidence in and love for, myself.

Still, of all my losses, I think the one that hurt me the most is that I lost the ability to chose who, when, and how I would have my first sexual experience.

I cannot go back in time and recover the things I lost but I can recover the essence of these things and to a great degree I have. Only my trust in others remains damaged, but even that is getting better as I come to trust my own judgment and intuition more.

(I would never say that I am glad that trauma happened but I am happy that I can say that I have been on a healing path for close to two decades).

Thanks for saying what you did. You helped me say the words inside me, and had not been able to create.

 

[Lionheart]

Thanks for saying what you did. You helped me

Hi @katz, I'm so happy that my words helped you....sometimes it is difficult to find the right words to express what we feel and what we felt back then. I am glad I could help.

 

[Friday]

I remember the person I was before trauma, and honestly? I don't like that guy very much.

Can anyone relate to this?

Yep. No way in hell would I ever go back to who I used to be. My only real regret in the identity dept. is that I wasn’t more of who I became then. Sooner. A lot sooner. A helluva lot sooner.

 

[katz]

Hi @katz, I'm so happy that my words helped you....sometimes it is difficult to find the right words to express what we feel and what we felt back then. I am glad I could help.

It has always brought tears to my eyes to look in the mirror and see someone else. I mourn the poor little girl and wonder what she could have been.

 

[Deanna]

I was three ( my first trauma) but I think that is the only one I can remember. I think, I could have been pounded on before that but too young to remember. Grit and I have a lot in common but i have no way of knowing how different I would have become. I probably could have trusted more. So, all I know of me is today