Hi All,
This is my first time posting. I feel like I’m coming out of a long stretch of the worst of it, kind of re-entering the realm of normal again, but it still takes me a lot of energy to stay there (in normal). I sought out the ptsd forum now because I’m afraid of dissociating it all away again, as I had done for ten years. I’m hoping I can check into the forum in a way that will help me keep it as part of my world-map in a safe way, so it won’t come out of the blue again and knock me over.
The ptsd is from about 10 bad years as a kid. My dad started knocking the kids around when I was about ten, so watching my brother and sister get beat, then me for a few years. I was pulled out into foster care, which was another few years of bad, no abuse but bounced around, displaced, and forgotten. I lost a baby during that time, so that’s part of the constellation too. Bad grief to that. I had heavy dissociation until about thirty (numbing, isolation, some nightmares), then it hit like a hurricane, and many years grappling with hell.
Many deep thanks to Anthony for this website, and to all of you for your bravery and courage in living with this, continuing to breathe, trying, and speaking. It’s the only way, I think, to move this from our heads into help, is to make sure that as much information as possible is available, and to connect with people who know.
(A p.s. that my forum name comes from an incident a few years ago when my brother and sister got into a fight. I was able to step back for the first time – big accomplishment for me – and it was like I could follow the roots of the behaviour and rage right down through the years to the childhood source, plain as day. The image of a lotus root has become a strong image to hold on to during flashbacks and when I’m well, to counter dissociation.)
Thanks, All.
Take care.
This is my first time posting. I feel like I’m coming out of a long stretch of the worst of it, kind of re-entering the realm of normal again, but it still takes me a lot of energy to stay there (in normal). I sought out the ptsd forum now because I’m afraid of dissociating it all away again, as I had done for ten years. I’m hoping I can check into the forum in a way that will help me keep it as part of my world-map in a safe way, so it won’t come out of the blue again and knock me over.
The ptsd is from about 10 bad years as a kid. My dad started knocking the kids around when I was about ten, so watching my brother and sister get beat, then me for a few years. I was pulled out into foster care, which was another few years of bad, no abuse but bounced around, displaced, and forgotten. I lost a baby during that time, so that’s part of the constellation too. Bad grief to that. I had heavy dissociation until about thirty (numbing, isolation, some nightmares), then it hit like a hurricane, and many years grappling with hell.
Many deep thanks to Anthony for this website, and to all of you for your bravery and courage in living with this, continuing to breathe, trying, and speaking. It’s the only way, I think, to move this from our heads into help, is to make sure that as much information as possible is available, and to connect with people who know.
(A p.s. that my forum name comes from an incident a few years ago when my brother and sister got into a fight. I was able to step back for the first time – big accomplishment for me – and it was like I could follow the roots of the behaviour and rage right down through the years to the childhood source, plain as day. The image of a lotus root has become a strong image to hold on to during flashbacks and when I’m well, to counter dissociation.)
Thanks, All.
Take care.
