Sufferer Out Of The Silence

[Tmt]

For myself this is the only out of my head communication I truly get other than writing. I can't physically speak. I want to, desperately want to. I can have a full conversation with someone. They speak I write... But I can't seem to get actual vocalizations to escape. This is something new and old all at once.

I have had this in the past, but things were really bad then and it was for survival.

I was diagnosed with ptsd a few months ago. After years of miss diagnosis finally I got Answers. I went through a long period before hand thinking I was just crazy, no believing I was crazy. I haven't ever been able to vocalize the majority of my life events or "traumas" because I never saw them as abnormal or something that was wrong with my external world. I always thought it was me. In fact I still struggle with that. I am fully aware of the position I am supposed to have on these "abusers" in my life, however I am in constant conflict.

When I was young 3-8 then 13-17 I was sexually abused by a family friend. ( this included involving my same aged brother)

When I was 7-17 then this year I was sexually abused by my dad ( it's ok though I was adopted)

3-21 I was punished for all of this by my mom.

16-22 I was sexually, and physically abused by my therapist. (Had my first living child)

At 23 I had my brothers baby.

I am 30. I am a mess. I want to talk about this but part of me is stopping me. Part of me is scared that if I start sharing these parts if me they will find out. That threats of harm will be upheld and I will loose.

I have a therapist now, seen Her for over a year. I haven't been able to see her since this silence has started. The last time I saw her I had a major flashback in her office. That never happens in front of people. Or at least I don't recognize it as happening in front of people. Not that kind of flashback anyways.

She doesn't know my whole situation. She only knows the stuff about my old therapist. I'm too afraid to tell her but things are getting worse so I know I have to find some way to share it with her.

I thought if I came on here and started writing online that maybe it might help me be able to write it to her.

I'm worried that she will judge me or tell me she doesn't believe me. Or worse tell them I'm talking to her about this stuff.

I don't know if what goes on in my head is normal. I can't find any definite Answers about how this ptsd works... There's no handbook to get better and it seems like everyone is very different and complex in their healing and experiences.

I want to find hope. I want to find joy. To know what happiness is and feels like. I want to stop faking it for everyone else and be broken without judgment. Yet I cage myself and confine myself in this mask of illusion to save everyone else from the pain that's within me.

Actually writing this was beyond hard and pressing the button to post seems like inviting death. I feel like if I don't get this out I will die and if I do I will die. This sucks!

 

[RussH]

Welcome to the forum. You are being very courageous sharing your story, and I hope that sometime soon you will be able to share it with your therapist.
You said that you were sexually abused by your father, but it was ok because you were adopted. I just wanted to say that it is never ok for someone to sexually abuse another person, and it is especially not ok for a father, adopted or otherwise, to sexually abuse their children. Please don't feel like you have to excuse his behavior because you were adopted; he was wrong.

The same is true for your brother he should never have done this to you.

I do know that you will find very good support here on the forum, and I hope you are able to find healing, and find your voice soon.

 

[City Slicker]

You have taken such a strong step by coming here and writing about your experiences. I hope you begin to have moments of feeling proud of your accomplishments in being able to take such a big step. You have fear but you are willing to take a risk and try something new - taking a chance on yourself to find your joy and hope. Hang in there, it will be worth it.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Hi and welcome . I'm so sorry to hear your story and the traumas you've been through. I think you need to be totally open and honest with your t as you'll find that things will come out in treatment even if you don't want it to, you should be able to trust your t, she is there to support u not judge you! I think it's disgusting that your previous t assaulted you I hope he was punished for this ? I hate to say it but u have a long journey to get through but with the correct t and treatment you will fight it. You'll have other emotions that will surface themselves too but you'll deal with them as and when u need to. Use your time with ur t as a time to offload , cry , scream, swear to do the things you can't do in front of ither ppl who may judge , it will make you feel better and help you to face your traumas. I sincerely hope the best fir you. Good luck x keep me posted

 

[Little Flower]

Welcome tmt. Abuse of trust and power are more than terrible. I've experienced this as a teen and adult
Get support. It's here and it feels safe to me. Emotionally it's a life saver. We care
Peace

 

[Notsowild]

Hi tmt... I too was sexually and physically abused by my father. And no it is never okay even if you're adopted. I understand the horrendous toll this abuse takes on us. Complex PTSD is treatable though. I feel I am slowly feeling some headway in my healing through trauma therapy. Welcome to the forum. It's is full of wonderful and knowledgable people and check out "the vault". It has some great articles. Nice to have you here:hug:

 

[afuneralinmybrain]

Hey, OP. You matter and your life is worth so much, no matter what you're feeling.
It's always good to take a practice run before telling your therapist (I personally do it on my blog). Keeping it in hurts. Letting it out hurts. It just hurts, period. But we have to feel it to get through it. And letting it out is the best way to get through, instead of stagnating.
Many hugs to you. :)

 

[ghotiff]

Congratulations on finding the courage to post and share some of yourself with us. Hiding and putting on a show is very tiring and draining. Please be gentle with yourself, you deserve it.

 

[intothelight]

@Tmt Welcome to the forum!

You did an incredibly brave thing by posting what you did and you also took a huge step towards your own healing. Take your time and check out the forum and the Trauma Diary section you may find beneficial. PTSD is complicated, but recovery is possible.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

 

[brokenWing1974]

You are very brave. Your post was something very difficult for you to do. I too, am new here and found that the support is amazingly helpful. Stay strong and know that we care about you here!

 

[Tmt]

Thank you all. I had a bit of a melt down after posting this. I had myself convinced that I would get in trouble somehow. It was nice to post and recieve such nice support. I am still processing things. It's weird to me how all the normalsies in my life are being pointed out as not normal at all... In fact... I think that this has been pointed out to me before but the hard part comes when I actually start to hear it internally. Thank you again.