Overcoming Dissociation By Facing Fears

[2notbedefeated]

I have this "wall of fear" that I experience when I get sexually aroused by my husband and I end up "disappearing" and my husband ends up making love to what seems like a "lifeless" body, or I regress into the little child that was abused which puts my husband into the role of my past abuser.

I feel bad, but it is so hard to deal with the fear, it just seems so thick and unbearable. I also have flashbacks of various kinds and this makes it hard as well.

My therapist has challenged me to start identfying what my thoughts are right before I dissociate, so I can face them and work to change them.

I am trying to gather up the courage to face this fear and to begin putting myself into "action" in the area of sex, because I have avoided this aspect of my life for years now. I just don't know if I can face the fear in order to figure out what I'm thinking before I dissocate.

When my husband gets aroused I flip out, because as a chilld it meant abuse, pain, vulnerabiity, shame, and blame.

I know I'm just going to have to take the plunge and do it, feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I guess I'm seeking to know what others have done in order to face their fear and endure it in order to learn to not dissociate.

What have others found helpful. Is it possible to do this? I'm scared of sex and sexual feelings/arousal.

 

[Mercy]

Dear 2notbedefeated,

I think that it may be possible for you to trace the source of your thoughts and fears when you are alone and unaroused. You know where you 'go' during sex. That is a good start. Learning that you are an adult... no, I meaning really learning it is important. I remember one day, my therapist was reminding me that I was an adult. I didn't believe him. Since his therapy room had carpet and pillows but no furniture, what I saw from that seated spot looked OK to a 'seven year old.' Well, I peaked down the front of my sweater only to find that he was right. I had two 'pillows' stuck to my front.

I have lived with my husband as a friend for almost twenty years by now. I may ask my husband to start over with me as if we were young again and didn't have an intimate relationship yet. That could begin with taking long walks just holding hands and sharing what we saw. We could sit close together and watch a funny movie on the TV. I might rest my head on his shoulder for a little while. All during this time, my husband would know that we were not going any further that that. Then slowly, over a period of months, we might give each other backrubs clothed. We might go swimming and then see more of what is under our clothes in bathing suits.

The whole point here is that you practice staying adult the whole time. I think that the moment you start to feel scared, is the right moment to say, "Thanks, that's enough. Let's stop please." Eventually, you will build a track record of staying adult. Then, at your own pace as you master staying present and adult, you will be able resume intimacy.

I don't know if I will ever make it back to that place but at least I am willing to entertain the notion. That's a big change for me.