Relationship Overnight child custody help!

[Anonymous7]

My child's father and I are divorced. We manage to negotiate visitation hours easily and are cooperative . The issue is that my ex has severe PTSD and night terrors that result in night time violence. He isn't awake/aware of his violent outbursts. They happen when he is asleep and someone else in the room moves or makes noise. The movement/noise triggers him to lunge toward the other person and physical attack them. When we were still married and our child was born I had to lock my ex in his room at night (his idea) to keep him from the baby because the babies crying became an additional trigger. Due to this he agreed to never have our child sleep over at his home and he cannot take the child on vacations. It is working alright for us but is very exhausting for me. My hope is that he can go through treatment and be cured so he is safe to be around when he is asleep and he can watch our child at least 1 night a week or give me a weekend vacation at some point.

Traditional PTSD cognitive behavioral and EMDR therapies have been unsuccessful in curbing this problem. There is no way I would risk my child's safety just for a night off, so the solution must be incredibly reliable. Does anyone have any suggestions? Medicines that work? Clinics that specialize in this? Etc?

 

[Deleted member 43031]

I hear that you are exhausted and need a break. You can't fix him, but you can , other alternatives for a break, such as a trusted aunt, grandma, etc.... but NOT him - he is not safe, and put your energy in keeping yourself and your child safe. You divorced him I am assuming because it just got to be too much for you. Do not become his care provider because you need relief. Its like asking the monster who hurt your best friend to babysit your newborn. A monster lives in him, and he has to find his way out through those who support his recovery like family, therapists, support groups and friends. I have no suggestions as each situation is one of a kind and we all deal with our traumas differently on our path of healing and balance. Hope; I suspect that his healing to that degree is a long long way off if ever. So sorry, but some truths can be brutally painful. I have endured SO much anguish and suffering in my 59 years... one thing holds true for me: be willing to walk away from anything or anyone at any time, and never look back - if I feel threatened, hurt of unsafe, of even if its just that they are vampiring my energy. You do have a child between you - and a very good arrangement, no nights. Spot on. I encourage you to redirect the focus to how you can create a support system for yourself and your child that involves balanced humans... like a moms group, play groups, etc. Explore carefully. Reclaim your focus in this way. No matter how much we WILL another to be different or how we envision them to be in the future - does not make it happen, in this regard; we/you are powerless. When we feel enveloped in urgency, that is the very moment when we need to stop, slow down and just allow the moment....making dinner, eating with your child, the simple things. Never allow yourself to be too HungryAngryLonelyTired. HALT. Blessings to you. and peace.

 

[Fadeaway]

How old is the child? if the child is old enough, you might be able to come up with alternatives for the child to alert him if he is needed in the night such as using a cell phone. If the child is still young, that clearly isn't an option.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is no way I'd let him keep my child overnight if he is violent in his sleep. Kids wake you up in the night... that's what kids do. What if your child vomits or gets a fever when your ex is sleeping?

I love a sufferer very much myself and I also have kids. The welfare of my minor child comes first.

You have to be prepared. He may never get over the violent nightmares.

 

[Friday]

When I worked nights I paid a college kid $20 & a home cooked dinner to come be the responsible adult in the event of an emergency whilst my child slept.

In my area McChildcare ran $16 an hour, and decent childcare about twice that. So it was a screaming deal for ME, and such a boon for a kid living in a noisy/crowded dorm to have real food and a quiet place to study that I had a mile long list of students I’d already vetted to call on. That they were nearly all EarlyChildhood Education, Psych, Nursing, & PreMed students? Just a massive added bonus (those are the departments at the university I posted my want ads), that if my child DID wake up (almost never) I had highly trained helpers on duty. :D

We also did a Parents Night Out twice a month at the local gymnastics place, a monthly sleepover at the G’s, and traded kids with other families for days/nights off a couple times a month, and did a couple week long (or longer) school break camps. Between all of these I knew that 3-4 times a year I’d have some serious time to myself, monthly I’d have at least a few by myself breaks, and at least once a week I’d have a day off.

Being a single parent -IME- is largely about finding resources to fill the gap, and then layering in contingencies.

Being a responsible parent doesn’t mean you do it all by yourself. It means you’re responsible to make sure SOMEONE is doing it.

(I’m the one with PTSD.)

 

[Sighs]

PTSD cannot be cured. There is no treatment that will guarantee that he never again has a night terror. Medication to stop him lashing out would essentially render him unconscious for the night meaning the child would have NO supervision. You need to accept that he has a medical condition which prevents him caring for your child overnight. The fact that he understands this, recognises it and is not fighting you for overnight custody shows me that he cares deeply for your child.

 

[Anonymous7]

Thanks for the thoughts. The idea of hiring a babysitter to intervene is intriguing.

 

[Mytime]

Can I ask if he had sleep issues as a child? I’m just wondering if is more then PTSD?