Overslept For Work.

[ashdawn8287]

I was wondering if any of you experience it hard to maintain a job because of sleep issues. I feel something always throws my sleep schedule off and that affects my ability to hold a job. I overslept two days in a row for work and I am pretty sure they will fire me. I am too scared to call them.

I guess I am going through one of those hard times. My anxiety is high. I haven't been wanting to leave the house. Mainly because my sleep schedule is messed up from finals and staying up all night studying.

I cried tonight because I am worried about my job. I feel I always do this with a job. My fiancee knows about all this, but he doesn't know I have been feeling depressed. I cried to him about the job and he just wiped my tear and told me to come out and join him and his friend, but I couldn't enjoy myself because I am disappointed in myself.

I get in these stages of feeling like I want to block the world away. I find it hard to stick to therapy during these stages or I need a break from therapy because I get so obsessed with it.

I feel I am just letting my fiancee down, even though he says he is upset but not at me. I feel like a burden.

I don't feel free. This PTSD stuff has it's hands all over my life. I am going to schedule a therapy session and call my EMDR specialist later. I think I need to focus on healing. I keep having set backs because once I start feeling fine I stop going to therapy because I run out of things to talk about. I think I should make this a priority this summer, since I have time now. I feel I keep getting left behind because of PTSD.

I still feel like it's hard to join the real world. It is times like this that xanax helped me conquer my fears, but I am not taking xanax.

I guess I am just disappointed and drowning myself in sorrows. I can't get out of this state of mind.

 

[dms]

I've had the same problem with losing jobs too. I go through stages where I just can't go to work because of my anxiety. Until recently, I didn't know why I was this way. I'm usually on Federal Family Medical Leave after a year of working, until I used up all my allowed hours. This is how I've ended my last four jobs. Actually, I use up my hours, and than I don't ever go back to work because of embarrassment.

I also lie to my co-workers about my medical condition (to not appear crazy), and only inform human resources.

In the past this has made my supervisors angry at me so, I begin to feel guilty, alienated and angry because I know I don't have to disclose my condition, and it justifies me not going back. I'm always eligible for unemployment because I leave due to a medical condition that I say is no longer a problem. Lies...

Friends/family use to pressure me about finding a job because they think I'm NORMAL and just lazy. I've recently told everybody to BACK OFF ME! I filed for disability for the second time (I was denied in 2010), this time I have a disability specialist helping me. In the USA they look for reasons to denied you for benefits that you've earned by working. It's sad.

I pray that I get approved this time because I only have 3 weeks left of unemployment income left. Technically, I'm not suppose to be receiving unemployment and file for disability at the same time but I need the money. I will probably have to pay it all back later if I'm approved for disability. I live my life moment, by, moment, day, by day.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Dang. I am in the US too. My friend just got put on disability. I am not sure the extent to her illness but I know it's mental. She wants to work but can't because she always gets fired. I have never tried the unemployment route. I will feel guilty and like a complete failure. I guess it's my pride. I doubt I would even get approved.

My issue with work is all the managers knowing and then other employees finding out. It seems to happen there a lot. My fiancee said it'd be nice if I could help financially but I am in school too so it's not like I'm not doing anything or atleast trying. He said I put the pressure on myself by trying to do too many things. I just feel bad because we are paying for our own wedding and I can't seem to hold a job. I wish I could just be a stay at home mom, but I am childless.

I hate minimum wage crap jobs. I can't hold on to them and I feel bad. I just hate working for places I don't care about. I wish I was out of school already.

How did you get approved for disability? Do you think I would have a chance at that? I am just weird and dont want to feel like a charity case but it's like every couple weeks I get in this anxiety state. I can't take anti-anxiety and when I was taking them I could go to work and I am barely responding to my antidepressant. I just feel like a failure and disappointment.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey ashdawn, yeah I can recognize this. I tend to tense up after certain situations take place where I (or someone else) gets confronted with the anxious behavior. And then I don't sleep, or I just get two hours sleep. I know the anxiety gets worse when I have no sleep or barely, so I don't go -but for me it's different, I'm officially excused from any jobs for having the handicap -maybe here in the Netherlands it's easier (but with all the financial cuts they are making, it wouldn't surprise me if they told me to get a job soon).

Maybe it's easier if you have a job where you don't get so anxious? Although they may be hard to find. Working as a mail-woman was tough for me when there were people around, but at other times there weren't any people around. Breezy days, the sun shining and no one around, those were days that I really enjoyed. You have a lot of freedom. Or maybe a job with more flexibility could help. Here there are specialized unemployment offices who can help you find a particular kind of job, that is easier on you, maybe your therapist could help you out....

I know how incapacitating PTSD can feel, but it's important to accept the fact that you have this handicap. Instead of fighting the PTSD and expecting from yourself that you should be able to manage working normally. (I kind of expect from myself that I should study normally, and then I don't and I feel guilty, so I know what you mean...). Instead of you trying to become something you are not, it's better to try and make your surrounding world a bit easier for yourself. I hope you can find some possibilities or other options...!

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you Radise, I am having an incredibly hard time accepting this. How did you start accepting it? I feel if I talk about this issue with my therapist I will cry and I think that's why I am avoiding her. Everytime I have good weeks I just get discouraged. It really is a struggle I can't seem to win.

How can I go about making my surrounding world easier? I don't want to lean on the PTSD or use it as an excuse to not do anything productive with my life.

 

[Abstract]

Ashdawn,
My sleep is never normal and it causes chaos. I used to be able to keep going regardless but it was like that broke at a certain point about 3 years ago.

I started my own business at that point which is just as well as noone would put up with me as an employee these days. But I am chronically late for appointments with clients and fairly regularly drastically oversleep and mess up. Mortifying when it is the same person over and over again. How I still have a business I don't know. Its just as well that I am good at my job when there and seem to be fairly likeable...

I would recommend What colour is your parachute as it looks at things laterally and you may find some way of earning money that is more under your control. I hope you find some solution.

keep having set backs because once I start feeling fine I stop going to therapy because I run out of things to talk about.

It sounds like this is a pattern that you have to change. Maybe when you get past this point you will get to something deeper.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

How did you start accepting it? I feel if I talk about this issue with my therapist I will cry and I think that's why I am avoiding her.

Second part of that: you should've seen all the times I sat at the therapist crying my eyes out. But I know having PTSD and showing emotions (emotions = vulnerability) can be horrible. Some therapists just don't feel as threathening, they just listen to you instead of judging you and have this weird power to lower your defenses so you will finally give in to the waterworks. I think it really helps to cry and pour your heart out, but I'm sure that can be a challenge...

First part: that's a tough one. I'm not even sure when/how I started "accepting" it. It's a pretty recent development... still getting used to it. Maybe it's because I realized I have no reasons to feel guilty for the PTSD. After all I never asked for a messed up childhood (and you did not ask for what you've been through). After all I am a pretty cool person, regardless of the PTSD. I still have a lot of people who love me, even knowing that I have these problems.

Maybe it's about finding out who you are and then starting to feel a little proud of yourself. Like passing a course at the university. Doing something that you love. I tried volunteering at a scouting club, it didn't work but I was proud of myself for trying. I took up drumming and I advance like a snail but I'm still proud when I learn something new. It makes me want to take better care of myself, and be way more patient and forgiving towards myself (for me, the problem now is actually that I should not be Too Patient and Too Forgiving and then stay at home all the time...)

So that's a lot of practical stuff. Recovery may be 50% communicating about it and the other 50% practical changes. One of these practical changes can be that you get approved for disability. I was approved for it through my therapist, so maybe you can talk about that with him/her. If the PTSD is preventing you from living normally (sounds like it is) then there's a chance you might get it, I think. But I can't really talk for the States...

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you for the responses. I believe I do need to change with therapy or else I won't move forward. I just don't know what to talk to her about. I need to start EMDR too.

I just applied for disability online. I am not going to tell anyone in my real life, well except my dad because he won't judge me. I just feel so pathetic for having to apply for disability. i wish I could be a fully functioning adult. I think instead of focusing on everyone elses expectations of me, I need to do what makes me happy and let go of the negativity surrounding PTSD. I think my fiancee would agree with that, but he is a republican and doesn't really believe in government hand outs, so I don't know what he'll think or when I will tell him.

It's like I want to be this great women who is strong and does things with her life and for others and not waste chances, but this PTSD gets in the way and I am overwhelmed with feeling bad because PTSD gets in the way of who I want to be. If that makes any sense.

I am going to call my therapists office her soon and contact the EMDR therapist. I need to focus on therapy and managing this. I want to get better and be more available for college when it starts back up this fall.

The ss office is going to look over my medical and education records. I am sure my doctors will provide documents. I forgot to put my therapist down though. With education they will see that I went through a 2 year phase of withdrawing from classes because of my anxiety. I'm not really sure if I want to get approved as I am having a hard time wrapping my head around everything.

It's like I try to be normal and I fail.

 

[stuff]

I eventually came to the conclusion that I needed to become self-employed. It works really well. If I am having a really bad go I can reschedule appointments or juggle my work schedule a bit. People know I'm busy with what I do so they respect my need to move things around sometimes. I can't hold any other job down for more than a few months at a time and I found having to deal with being triggered at work and then having to explain why people would walk in on me crying or why I had to clock off time for a doctor's appointment every second week was really demeaning. For a while my insomnia was so bad I wasn't sleeping more than an hour or two a night for several weeks. It made it nearly impossible to maintain a normal job. Now I can just say 'Oh, I'm really sorry, I have a huge job booked this week." I guess I created my own normal to work with my ptsd.

 

[ashdawn8287]

That's a good take on it. I'm not sure I could be self employed until I finish school. What do you do?

 

[dms]

Asdawn8287-Good Morning, I haven't been approved for disability yet, in fact I was denied years ago. I would recommend that you get a lawyer or disability specialist if you get denied. I just gave up before. That was a Hugh mistake. I hope to one day be self employed too. Good luck

 

[stuff]

That's a good take on it. I'm not sure I could be self employed until I finish school. What do you do?

I'm a landscape designer and a draftsman. I still find the sociability of it a little exhausting. I'm working on getting my writing career going, so I can share my skills on days that are good, and still have some money to carry me through the rough patches.