Overwhelmed With Life And The PTSD Fallout

[metis-siren]

So the past three weeks have been absolutely dismal to my mental state and quite triggering. I suppose I should start at the beginning:

Synopsis of past three weeks: Breakup with Fiancé, Victim's Comp, and Serious Health Concerns

3 weeks ago: I broke up with my fiancé whom I live with - and we're still living in the same apartment now, while I look for affordable housing for a person on disability, which looks like a bit of a wait. My sense of safety and security was ripped away because I had built so much upon this place as a home, and put so much faith in him, only to have it completely shattered.

2 weeks ago: I finished my victim's compensation board claim with my lawyer and was told to wait to hear from her to start the process of filing another claim against my mother (this was for my step-dad). The moment I left the lawyer's office I flipped. See, the police take it semi-seriously but can't/won't/probably won't make any difference if they did file a restraining order as he wrote me a letter when I was very young (between 3-5 years old) saying he would be there when I died - and he's an atheist, this was not an "I'll see you in heaven" sort of letter, but one professing his undying love to me as his first and only true love to be delivered to me on my 16th birthday - talk about premeditation? Anyway, part of the process of the claim involves them notifying him that I have accused him of such and seeing that he's a social worker (as is my mom) - this bodes very badly for them for their careers. Regardless of knowing intellectually that he won't get the notification for quite a while, I've gone into an absolute fear mode where nothing and nowhere is safe and he will find me and kill me.

1 week ago: I started losing consciousness/fainting/blacking out and it's been happening fairly regularly, or if not completely blacking out - coming extremely close and still getting some awful bruises. I'm on beyond light duty, and they haven't been able to come to any solid conclusions as to why it keeps happening. Also, I have a concussion (or a few) from hitting my head off of the floor so many times. My memory and speech are the worst affected by the concussion (apparently made worse by having many concussions in the past - which I never can seem to remember when they ask me when I'm getting checked out for one, lol). In addition to that mess and the fact I've been encouraged to take this semester off from school (which would nullify next term as the classes are pre-reqs) is weighing heavily on me - as is the fact I've been given explicit instruction to do nothing academic for the next little while. I also seem to be having some trouble with maintaining my weight - dropping weight in less than a week than I can afford to lose. On top of all of that, new meds that I'm not sure how I'm doing on and a specialist appointment that was successful in actually making a treatment plan. The treatment plan is get wrist xrays (done!), see her again with the films in two weeks and have her refer me to a wrist surgeon. Can I say woo and frig all at the same time - because it's what I'm feeling about the surgery.

So that's the not so short recap - I'm sure I left a lot out. Regardless, my emotional state is not helping matters. I'm supposed to be finding a place to live on my own - which in some respects I'm super excited about: privacy, creating safe space, have my own home again - but I'm not allowed to go anywhere alone because I black out and even at home I'm supposed to have help close by because I black out so much. Beyond that is the wrist surgery and how I'll cope on my own. I don't have family or people that I feel comfortable asking to help out that much. I know it's not rational to feel guilty to call a friend to get you to your doctor's office and then to the hospital from there because you cannot stand on your own without significant risk to your person, but the overwhelming amount of guilt and shame for needing help is there.

I'm going through what I consider to be a lot (break-up, finding housing, legal activities surrounding the people who scare me more than death itself, and more health related problems than I can list) and I need support through this. I have my psych and therapist - those are both trying to do their best and I've sought other help for housing, and have regular medical check-ups - so I am accessing resources to the best of my ability to get through this, but that's different than having someone to talk to about all of this for more than a few minutes a week before therapy gets into heavy stuff.

I'm sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong area - but I wasn't sure where else to post it?

 

[TLight]

I don't know what to say. I was in a similiar position for what seemed like forever.....lawsuit, struggling to work, psychosis,passing out, not sleeping.

I made it through.........can say things are much better today now that I'm 'disabled' and able to keep stress to the minimum and have decent people around me........but I thought i'd never make it.

Life freaking sucks sometimes...then it changes.......try to rest.

 

[metis-siren]

Thanks, I am trying to rest because I get that there won't always be times during this journey/battle/road/path/whatever other metaphor one might use to be able to rest for what lies next.

To add another stressor - my credit card got hacked today. My bank was quick to respond and are covering the costs and sending me a new credit card but it added another layer of me not feeling safe. Positive side to this - the bank dealt with this quickly and efficiently - at least I don't have to clean up that mess.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Metis-Siren,

I am sorry that you have so much on your plate right now. That is a lot for anyone to handle, but PDSD does make it more difficult. This is a great place to "let go" and find support.

I hope things improve soon for you.

ITL

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Hi Metis-Siren,

I read the title to your post and just had to come and read it. I am experiencing the same overwhelmed with life and the PTSD fall out stuff now too. I just wanted to encourage you to keep posting. I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom on how to get through it as I am not there. I do know that posting and talking to people on here has been such a life saver for me. Boy it is tough when you have to figure out your life, and health issues, and safety issues, and financial issues, and they all seem to be plotting against you. I hope you find the perfect housing that you can make into a safe home for yourself. Somehow having a safe place to hang your hat makes other things more bearable. I am so sorry you are under so much stress right now. I really do know the feeling and wish I could take it away from you.

Keep talking here. Talk and talk and talk....it really does help and people really do understand.

Best Wishes and prayers too! PH

 

[metis-siren]

I had hoped (somewhat naively) that in the situation that I'm in my PTSD symptoms would either become less apparent due to physical health concerns overriding, or that the most prevalent symptom would be disassociation. I am begrudingly admitting this is not the case, that instead my mental health becoming more manageable as a coping mechanism to the current situation I'm in - it's becoming more noticeable.

I'm having a hard time with everything at this point. I think the worst of it is how I seem to see myself and criticize myself right now. If there was an off switch for having yourself internally critique everything you do and don't do, I would love to know where it's located. I can on most days still meditate which gives me a temporary reprieve of myself - but I feel exhausted even thinking that I need a reprieve from myself.

At this point, I don't see the point in half the thoughts I'm having. I've lost myself because I'm not participating in my usual activities and why am I not trying harder to get myself through this, surely I am aware I have gotten myself through more difficult situations. Unfortunately, my brain doesn't seem to recognize that though, yes I did leave home at 15 and got out the grasp of my parents - I did not have an easy go at it, it just sees: You were 15 and you got out, you got help and you managed to do more than most people your age were doing and you worked your butt off. It sees me now as a screw up who won't get out of bed (because that part of my brain hasn't come to terms with the reality that more often than not when I get out of bed I end up hitting my head on hardwood floors and continue to keep, or gain another concussion). It will leap from the current you are not measuring up to our standards (who is our?) to wondering about things that could probably have their own thread, if they don't already.

That is to say that my brain has decided now is the time to contemplate whether what I went through as a survivor of sadist childhood sexual and mental abuse spanning more than a decade is milking it. If childhood abuse is so common today, why do I have PTSD and did I do something or not do something that could have meant that I didn't end up with a mental illness that sees me having a battle of wits in regards to handling my symptoms daily. Why is this something that I need to question now - I don't even know if it serves a purpose more than to put blame on myself for things that were and are beyond my control - no one wants to have a childhood devoid of anything actually considered to be related to children, and no one (or at least I don't) want to have a mental illness.

I'm not sure what part of this post related specifically to the events taking place - but it does seem to show where my thought patterns are going, instead of actually dealing with things.

Oh, I made a few phone calls and may (fingers crossed) get some help for housing from a mental health organization.

I just keep trying to visualize what I want my life to look like in a few months from now - how I want to decorate my apartment (wherever I end up), what resources I am trying to get access to help me with daily living stuff, school, friends, social obligations - I'm trying to realistically look at what I might have as a home. Of course as long as I have my books, my bed, some light, my dog and a cup of vanilla black tea - I think that I can manage to make at least some moments to be my new home.