Overwhelmed

[kers]

I always have trouble this time of year, going back to work after several weeks off (I am in education). My work is front-loaded, so there is a lot more to do in the next two months than the rest of the year, plus I'm adjusting to being around people all day again after many quiet days on my own--lots of sound and proximity triggers. This year I am sharing a workspace with a dozen people so there is no privacy--I feel very intruded on just being at my desk because I'm so sensitive to other bodies nearby. So I notice that I'm starting every day already well on edge, and it doesn't take much to push me into overload. Unfortunately, I respond to that feeling with anxiety and tears. Lots of hiding in the bathroom.

I am otherwise quite competent in my job and have been assigned increasing responsibilities every year. This year I am in charge of three big things; it means longer hours at work and more emotional energy spent managing people and interpersonal stuff. I am sure I will do a good job at it in the end, but right now I am simply overwhelmed. I'm trying to do something in therapy that involves facing my worst flashback, and then I have all this at work....it's bad. I've been thinking a lot about self-harm (my fallback reaction to anger and anxiety) but luckily I purged all the razors from the house when I cleaned this summer.

I know I will feel better in a few weeks. I know what's going on, which is a huge improvement over past years when I just felt out of control. It's just hard right now.

 

[anthony]

End of the day, you're able to work and cope with it, that in itself screams awesome as a reflection upon yourself.

 

[maddog]

Yeah, absolutely, this is really big stuff, and every reflection on you that you're able to keep at it with such dogged determination. You have my every empathy for how tough it is, and my every respect for your attitude. As you say, you'll get there, and the only thing wrong with crying in the bathroom is that the atmosphere isn't always great!

Maddog

 

[kers]

Thanks :)

Some of the stress is normal--I found out today that a coworker with some of the same new responsibilities is also melting down over it. That's reassuring. I don't have a lot of compassion for myself. It's hard to give myself a break and stop criticizing my reactions. I'm trying to be a little kinder in how I think about this.