woodsy1
MyPTSD Pro
Hello Friends,
So, as you may know from my other threads, I have suffered a lot of abuse. In the aftermath, I spent 6 years basically self isolated in my house so stricken with Social Anxiety (among other things) that I just could not even function in the outside world. Just coming out of this, I took to drinking alcohol in an effort to reconnect with people in the world outside my home. It worked splendidly, or so it seemed. I didn't realize at the time that I was in denial and masking my issues.
I got out of the house! And I was socializing. In my twisted thinking, I was just going to charge the world head on and at least enjoy a little bit of whatever time I have left on earth. Bad idea!
I ended up in a romantic relationship with a dear lady. Turns out she has her issues too. Whereas I operate on the extreme "flight" end of the fight or flight response tending toward avoidance, she operates more on the fight side of the spectrum tending toward confrontation. Fire and ice! We had a lot of good times together and everyone thought we were a perfect match for each other. Maybe if we were both less damaged this would have been true. But what is, is. It didn't work out.
She repeatedly aggressed me verbally. I set a boundary that she kept crossing. I fled.
Now, some 4 to 6 months down the road, I am sober and processing my stuff personally and in therapy. I am facing who I really am now, a person totally different than I used to be, different than I thought I might be when I was drinking. In coming to terms with who I am, I am also seeing how painful it can be for people trying to get close to me.
Upon realizing how painful it can be to get close to me and how I seek out intimacy and then can't bear it, my heart is pressed to make ammends, own my part in the broken relationship, and hope that this lady and I can at least have a decent friendship. We both highly value each other's friendship and think well of each other despite our breakup.
A couple weeks ago, I wrote a letter to my lady friend entitled, "What Happened?" I proceeded to delineate how I had failed on my end of the relationship. I didn't address her part in the situation. I feel that is up to her to address. I can only speculate. Nobody knows exactly what is going on in another person's heart.
Out of respect for her, I did not send her the letter immediately. I wanted some distance from the letter so that I could review it and be sure it was what I wanted to say. I also was awaiting her response to my reaching back out to her on social media for friendly chit chat.
Over the last couple weeks she and I have reconnected via social media. She's been a bit distant with short replies to my attempts. Yesterday I wished her Happy Thanksgiving. Today we chatted a little over that. I asked her if she would be interested in reading my letter. I didn't want to send it unless she wanted me to. She invited me to send it.
Now I'm waiting.
I've been pretty much a total nervous wreck over this letter. It's a big step for me. It's the first occasion I've had to own up to my shortcomings, my new reality, and how it must have been very devastating for her that I pulled away.
I don't know what I expect from this forum in regards to this situation. Perhaps just simply to share and be heard. Perhaps to hear responses from you. Certainly to be encouraged! I feel like I need all the insight and encouragement I can get.
My mood is good, but my bodily response is very high energy anxious. My thoughts are not particularly racing or negative, just kind of wrapped up in this situation.
I appreciate any feedback you share.
Thanks always,
Woodsy
So, as you may know from my other threads, I have suffered a lot of abuse. In the aftermath, I spent 6 years basically self isolated in my house so stricken with Social Anxiety (among other things) that I just could not even function in the outside world. Just coming out of this, I took to drinking alcohol in an effort to reconnect with people in the world outside my home. It worked splendidly, or so it seemed. I didn't realize at the time that I was in denial and masking my issues.
I got out of the house! And I was socializing. In my twisted thinking, I was just going to charge the world head on and at least enjoy a little bit of whatever time I have left on earth. Bad idea!
I ended up in a romantic relationship with a dear lady. Turns out she has her issues too. Whereas I operate on the extreme "flight" end of the fight or flight response tending toward avoidance, she operates more on the fight side of the spectrum tending toward confrontation. Fire and ice! We had a lot of good times together and everyone thought we were a perfect match for each other. Maybe if we were both less damaged this would have been true. But what is, is. It didn't work out.
She repeatedly aggressed me verbally. I set a boundary that she kept crossing. I fled.
Now, some 4 to 6 months down the road, I am sober and processing my stuff personally and in therapy. I am facing who I really am now, a person totally different than I used to be, different than I thought I might be when I was drinking. In coming to terms with who I am, I am also seeing how painful it can be for people trying to get close to me.
Upon realizing how painful it can be to get close to me and how I seek out intimacy and then can't bear it, my heart is pressed to make ammends, own my part in the broken relationship, and hope that this lady and I can at least have a decent friendship. We both highly value each other's friendship and think well of each other despite our breakup.
A couple weeks ago, I wrote a letter to my lady friend entitled, "What Happened?" I proceeded to delineate how I had failed on my end of the relationship. I didn't address her part in the situation. I feel that is up to her to address. I can only speculate. Nobody knows exactly what is going on in another person's heart.
Out of respect for her, I did not send her the letter immediately. I wanted some distance from the letter so that I could review it and be sure it was what I wanted to say. I also was awaiting her response to my reaching back out to her on social media for friendly chit chat.
Over the last couple weeks she and I have reconnected via social media. She's been a bit distant with short replies to my attempts. Yesterday I wished her Happy Thanksgiving. Today we chatted a little over that. I asked her if she would be interested in reading my letter. I didn't want to send it unless she wanted me to. She invited me to send it.
Now I'm waiting.
I've been pretty much a total nervous wreck over this letter. It's a big step for me. It's the first occasion I've had to own up to my shortcomings, my new reality, and how it must have been very devastating for her that I pulled away.
I don't know what I expect from this forum in regards to this situation. Perhaps just simply to share and be heard. Perhaps to hear responses from you. Certainly to be encouraged! I feel like I need all the insight and encouragement I can get.
My mood is good, but my bodily response is very high energy anxious. My thoughts are not particularly racing or negative, just kind of wrapped up in this situation.
I appreciate any feedback you share.
Thanks always,
Woodsy