Painful Revelations

[Ghostybear73]

After being a member for a couple months now, I wonder about motivation. If you read the phases I have posted, you know I have been through some pretty bad trauma, but amongst it all, I just wanted to feel accepted by my mother. All the times I was given to others for money, I vowed that I would feel some love from her no matter what.

I was left at 15 and struggled my whole adult life, but I was determined to show that I was worthy of love. I got a BS in criminal justice, to no avail. I managed to get my MBA with a concentration in healthcare management as a single parent and working full time. Truthfully, I have more titles after my name that I care to count. I began teaching and have almost hit the 6 digits (short by 2 grand) in my annual salary. Still no real love, even though I talked to her often enough. I guess I was desperate.

My brother was always her baby. Spent time in and out of jail most of his life. He tried to kill me and my mother told me to pack up my son and get out of the state. He tried to kill his wife and my mom in front of his kids and landed back in jail. When he got, she let him move in and blamed his wife (even though she sided with her at first).

She used to call me names because I was a tomboy and she wanted a girly girl. Then after getting beaten, yet again by my brother, she said it will toughen me up so no one can abuse me later. (Little does she know that when abused, its easy to fall into another abusive relationship after another).

I'm 40 and I finally realized with this coming year that she is not going to love me. So I wonder if anyone else used their abuse to succeed so they could try and gain accepance and love from an abuser? And once you realized this, what was your motivation to continue living when that hope that you have worked for all your life is gone?

 

[Spiderallis]

Do you also realize it's a smudge on her lens and not a reflection of you as you really are? You've worked hard and done amazing things. If your traumas lit the fire to begin that journey, it still wasn't the fuel that kept you going. That was you- your mother couldn't give you that even if she had it. In abusive family situations, the love that someone else was incapable of giving can become a big focus. My successes have been on a smaller scale, but I consider it a rude gesture to the abusers and their idea of me. They were wrong, and I proved it.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((Ghostybear))) Thanks for sharing your story.

Yes, I have used my abuse to succeed to gain acceptance and love from an abuser...many times. My motivation to continue living is A. The best revenge is living well B. I have the opportunity to stop the cycle and C. I really believe that beauty comes from ashes. Since my experience, all kinds of people in life have come out of the wood works who have experienced the EXACT same thing that I went through. I get to encourage them by sharing my story--people who haven't even begun their journey yet....people who live in that coffin that I once did.

That's enough for me. Am I always in this place mentally? No. Not even. But when I am, I feel so convicted in my heart that if I could go back and change what happened to me, I wouldn't because then I wouldn't be able to be what I am for other people who are suffering. I'm not trying to wave a flag of pride or glory. Helping people is just a passion of mine.

Something tells me it is the reason you chose the career that you did. You're a fighter and it took a lot of courage to share what you just shared, and even more to accomplish what you have accomplished. And I'll bet you that you've made a serious difference in the lives of so many.

Here's to hoping that you will find Mister Sleep tonight :D

 

[Ghostybear73]

@Spiderallis I can see what your saying but I probably wouldn't be where I am now, here on this site, taking a plethora of meds, hallucinating, wishing for death daily and the list goes on, if it wasn't for the past. I have come so close to losing it all because of this that every day is a battle of the wits and frankly, I'm tired.

@StrongerNow if I had it to do all over, I would never go back, no matter what I have become now. I can't take the chains, needles, drugs, blades, instruments of torture, beatings, rapes, ugh just thinking about it makes it difficult to concentrate. Ill be back to finish

 

[Ghostybear73]

Sorry about that...had to take a walk. I would never go back. Hopefully I would be as strong willed as I am today, but hey, I will never know! I could be doing better, maybe making less money, not have all the material things, but happy and enjoy what I did have. Or I could be living on the streets. I can speculate forever, but that would just drive me insane.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hey Gb! I did not quite mean like I would actually go back there myself.

I realized though after your last post, that what I did mean would not be applicable to all. So, I'm so sorry that I said it.

 

[Ghostybear73]

No offense taken StongerNow. Its been a trip and I am proud of the accomplishments that I have achieved, even if for the wrong reason. I am doing better than when I started. I'm told that unravelling 30 years of abuse (because I just kept getting into worse situations as I got older) takes a long time.

I just sometimes feel, especially after reading the last 2 to 3 years of postings from others that if I didn't struggle so much and I had time to catch the PTSD earlier, like most of you, that I would maybe be in a better spot. Unraveling years, rather than decades. I don't know, I suppose the route I went seems so different that others and that can be pretty confusing to me. Plus the last bit of hope being shredded, it just sucks.

I realize that I have to be strong for my children. My son is getting deployed back to afghanistan and my daughter, who will be 8 in a couple weeks, needs the loving environment to thrive (her current goal is to be a veterinarian). The life and love I provide is necessary for both of them. I think about how much they need me and then my alter ego (which is just my term for when I'm too stressed to act rationally) comes about and I sit in the garage with my car running feeling tired and it feels so good, well let's just say its hard. Before I get busted for posting suide stuff, my therapist and psychiatrist are aware of this and its just a matter of putting up that extra fight and communicating better with them.

Mr. Sleep is still hiding from me, I appreciate the fact that you remembered that, does make me feeled like people care. I have run on 2 to 3 hours of sleep for so long, that its okay. I guess my liver metabolism is extremely high, so meds only work for a couple days, but we space them out and a couple days of good sleep is nice.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

You remind me of my older sister. She is a tom boy and pushed through life. She was at the top of her career and the stress got so high. Her health has suffered, etc. I went the other way with men and well, I guess what I am trying to say is, I am going to be 30 this year. My sister is 34. For us, 3 decades of crap unravelled. I got PTSD and she did not, but . . .

I know on my bad days, it seems like nothing is real and I get so tired of having to feel EVERYTHING. I get so tired.

I understand you. And I do not have children. I cannot imagine how hard that must be for you, but I do know that you are a GREAT mother. Your kids are very blessed to have a mother that keeps fighting for them because she fights for herself. And that they have a mother who loves them that much. Those kids are gonna grow up knowing that their mother fought to stop the cycle. I admire you and I have much respect for you.

I hope this is coming out right. I do care about you.

 

[Ghostybear73]

@StrongerNow thank you for that