Sufferer Paralyzed With Fear Most Of The Time, CSA, DV

Bitter Pill

Learning
The hits just keep coming. Went in for breast exam yesterday. They phoned this morning and want me to go to the hospital for biopsy today. I’m out of my mind with fear. I am alone. Damn. I don’t have a husband I can call for support. The first time he’d say, “Well, I told you smoking dope was going to harm your health!” That’s what he’d say. So I stuff it and it’s written all over my face at times. His fit, his explosion 3 days ago is still w me. Even though I didn’t engage, I hear some of it. I sing (badly, lol) to drown him out. He’s not what has caused all my problems.

My problems started when my grandfather did what he did at 5-13yo. It changed me. I got fearful, lonely, shamed, isolated, and told by my mom to smile all the time. I was so full of secrets. Bad secrets. Shameful.

I found out recently that dirty old man got a 16 yr old niece pregnant before I was born and spent 2 yrs in prison. They allowed him to be around their daughters? He had a circuit. He visited all his little granddaughters during the summer and I know for a fact mine isn’t the only life he messed up.

One is probably dead from alcoholism. She came and visited me once and I couldn’t believe how messed up she was. Looking back, I was just as bad off as she was. I was taught to hide it all. I worked in the beauty business, so I looked better than I ever felt. High end salons with a couple of well known stylists you’ve heard of. I felt “less than” at both salons. I felt like everyone could see through me, see my insecurities, and what business did I have being in that environment? I had a hard time holding down jobs, therefore my SS is laughable.

I’m very scared, feel so alone and scattered. I’m paralyzed with fear and don’t even know how I’m going to drive there. 1/2 hr awa
I activated Crisis here and it was so supportive and wonderful. They have a lot of options and will help you find housing and services. I was so pleasantly surprised at how I was treated.
I have no job, not eligible for disability, they are taking 10% out of my monthly SS check for their mistake on overpayment. I just don’t see any silver lining. I have no income to speak of.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
Good news. All is well w new images. I had to leave the house early b c I was losing it. Panic sets in and it’s like a pit bull It doesn’t let go. Got some herb and wasted time and tried to breathe.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t exactly know what that means. But thank you
It means I called crisis, went to ER, and was set up with wonderful people who helped me a lot. They know the ins and outs of getting help. Maybe you can try again without saying you are suicidal with a plan, and they will be able to help you out of your situation.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
It means I called crisis, went to ER, and was set up with wonderful people who helped me a lot. They know the ins and outs of getting help. Maybe you can try again without saying you are suicidal with a plan, and they will be able to help you out of your situation.
I know, you can’t say you’re suicidal It all falls apart at that point. I don’t know why I’m hyper vigilant about him and his behavior towards me. I guess its the flip-out tantrum on Monday afternoon. It’s hard to like someone after being attacked and you know his entire attack is centered around making, keeping me feeling insecure, trapped, dependent. I’m a servant w a marriage license.

What blows my mind more is how the trajectory for my life was formed at the young age I was. Living a life full of so much fear I’d have to numb it away in one way or another, or several at the same time. My drug of choice? Anything you had.

I don’t normally cry in movies. There is one scene in Forrest Gump where Jenny and him walk up to the run-down shack she grew up in. I immediately flashed back to my childhood and the tears started flowing. When she was throwing rocks felt a little liberating, but it was a moment in time. I have never watched that movie without crying at that scene.

I don’t follow movie stars. Jenny in that movie paralleled my life in so many ways. It’s difficult to watch. Risky behavior, but having a safe place to fall (Gump) in my life. I didn’t have much respect for myself, and still don’t think I do.

I have wasted many years that could have been productive but I was busy going to therapy and taking copious amounts of pills to “fix me”. So desperate for so many years. I wasn’t there for my son. I’m filled with guilt. It’s time I’ll never get back. He was sobbing on my shoulder 4 yrs ago saying,”It’s not about stuff, it’s about the time that’s lost.” I would try to fill the void with gifts. I learned that at an early age as well.

My Mom knew what was going on. My dad gave him the green light on a trip to a park. The entire fam of 11 along w him, me crammed between my dad and him. Him doing what he wanted all the way home, in the dark. You could still see that going on. My dad couldn’t have NOT seen it. He saw it. Maybe he had the attitude I would simply forget because I was so young. I was the youngest daughter and think I became the main target.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I know, you can’t say you’re suicidal It all falls apart at that point.
I did say I was suicidal because I was. I just wanted to get across that if you haven't called a Crisis line lately, things may have changed.
It’s hard to like someone after being attacked and you know his entire attack is centered around making, keeping me feeling insecure, trapped, dependent. I’m a servant w a marriage license.
You've identified the cause of your trauma, how can you change it? If he's going to cut you off when he retires, it's best to make other arrangements now. By leaving you are saying you won't accept his abuse. I don't know of any other way of fixing it without you setting boundaries on his behaviors. He treats you badly and is abusive and nothing will change unless you do something to change it. It's horrible that it has nothing to do with your behavior, and you are the victim here, but he will continue. You have managed to survive abuse all your life, you are strong! You have what it takes to change your situation. You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
I did say I was suicidal because I was. I just wanted to get across that if you haven't called a Crisis line lately, things may have changed.

You've identified the cause of your trauma, how can you change it? If he's going to cut you off when he retires, it's best to make other arrangements now. By leaving you are saying you won't accept his abuse. I don't know of any other way of fixing it without you setting boundaries on his behaviors. He treats you badly and is abusive and nothing will change unless you do something to change it. It's horrible that it has nothing to do with your behavior, and you are the victim here, but he will continue. You have managed to survive abuse all your life, you are strong! You have what it takes to change your situation. You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
That takes my breathe away. Terrified. I don’t know how to interact w people anymore. I don’t know what to do for money. I’m 65. It blows my mind I’ve wasted my life away. I just didn’t know.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
I would call it taking credit for other people’s work & ideas.

Which is it’s own sniveling/pompous/cowardly/arrogant brand of assholery.
I guess what I mean by gaslighting is trying to make me believe he had all these ideas even to what plants to put in!! Just not true! I let it go. I said a couple things like that he couldn’t really believe that. How could he remember something that never happened? And then I disengaged. He’s trying to upset me, get a reaction which would come across in anger because it’s so ridiculously bs, then he can attack. I had to laugh out loud. (Again, I bought the feeders on a whim - so when would we have discussed it?) It’s crazy making.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
I know its hard to put aside, but what he says really doesn't matter. As DharmaGirl has pointed out is true. You are strong and will have to take the steps to take back your life. What he is showing you now is as good as it gets.....Time for you to make plans to escape this and I am betting that even though you haven't socialized in a long time and dont have any friends, that is something you can change as well.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
I don’t call myself a survivor.
I’m still just surviving.
I don’t know how one would be a survivor of ptsd.
I don’t know how to let go of the anger.
I lived exactly how I was taught.
I thought I most people were living like I was.
No, they were going to college, I was running.
I didn’t realize that until much later.
I realized I didn’t have a goal in my second yr of jr. college.
My counselor asked me what my goal was.
I was speechless. I had no specific goal and i was in college!

Yesterday my husband and I drove 2 hrs to see my son.
It’s his 25th birthday. I’m filled with guilt all the time.
I wasn’t there for him. He was taken from me when he was 5.
I gave up on life. I had no more money to fight with.
His dad had non consensual sex w me when I got pregnant.
He knew I wouldn’t report it. He laughed about it the next morn.

That’s who’s baby I had. I don’t think much of myself.
His little promise of getting therapy, making it work, blah, blah, blah....
I had the baby. My son is very nice, but I wish we were close.
There is a wall of (suspiciousness?) between us from his side I feel anyway.
His dad knew how to play me, and I try to forget all the things he did.
I tend to blame myself for most things. It isn’t until I can recall why reached that point.

They like to make you feel crazy, and even more I think, to LOOK crazy to outsiders.
Being quiet in their attack while out in public would evoke a loud surprised response from me.
People not knowing the real story because all they see is a crazy woman. Reacting.
And him sitting there, very stoic, ignoring me like I wasn’t going off. No response. ‘Sane’.

Yep, I’m still surviving. I’m getting a little more aware as time goes on. Too bad it’s so late in life.
It’s tough to live a life full of regrets. And that’s what you have when you’ve been running.
I have to believe it will get better.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
I know its hard to put aside, but what he says really doesn't matter. As DharmaGirl has pointed out is true. You are strong and will have to take the steps to take back your life. What he is showing you now is as good as it gets.....Time for you to make plans to escape this and I am betting that even though you haven't socialized in a long time and dont have any friends, that is something you can change as well.
The woman at the social security office told me not to divorce my husband. She was looking at my financial situation which is so bad. There is no money coming in. I was unable to put enough credits together through my working years. I had countless jobs, all of them short-lived. I don’t play well with others. I don’t mean to be that way, but I get suspicious, think I’m going to get fired so quit in a horrible way. Always. I don’t know why it was that way. I had no self-esteem. I’m still the same person, even after the years and years of therapy. I remember being so nervous going to big social events I would feel like I was going to faint. I’d have to have a couple drinks to work up the courage. I don’t know how to socialize anymore. I don’t know what to do exactly. I don’t do anything other than this on social media. I don’t trust it.
 
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