Thank you, but I am so far from strong! OMG. I have a call set up with my DV counselor this Friday and maybe she has some ideas. My old friend who moved across country has not to much to do with me anymore. I’m a handful. I wish I knew how to act normal I used to. At least act like I knew, but terrified inside.I did say I was suicidal because I was. I just wanted to get across that if you haven't called a Crisis line lately, things may have changed.
You've identified the cause of your trauma, how can you change it? If he's going to cut you off when he retires, it's best to make other arrangements now. By leaving you are saying you won't accept his abuse. I don't know of any other way of fixing it without you setting boundaries on his behaviors. He treats you badly and is abusive and nothing will change unless you do something to change it. It's horrible that it has nothing to do with your behavior, and you are the victim here, but he will continue. You have managed to survive abuse all your life, you are strong! You have what it takes to change your situation. You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
I was voted “Friendliest” in my Sophomore year. My mom told me to smile. I smiled like Forrest Gump ran, for no particular reason. I smiled so much my cheeks would hurt. I guess if you’re smiling that means everything is A-Ok.