DharmaGirl
MyPTSD Pro
I activated Crisis here and it was so supportive and wonderful. They have a lot of options and will help you find housing and services. I was so pleasantly surprised at how I was treated.
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The hits just keep coming. Went in for breast exam yesterday. They phoned this morning and want me to go to the hospital for biopsy today. I’m out of my mind with fear. I am alone. Damn. I don’t have a husband I can call for support. The first time he’d say, “Well, I told you smoking dope was going to harm your health!” That’s what he’d say. So I stuff it and it’s written all over my face at times. His fit, his explosion 3 days ago is still w me. Even though I didn’t engage, I hear some of it. I sing (badly, lol) to drown him out. He’s not what has caused all my problems.
My problems started when my grandfather did what he did at 5-13yo. It changed me. I got fearful, lonely, shamed, isolated, and told by my mom to smile all the time. I was so full of secrets. Bad secrets. Shameful.
I found out recently that dirty old man got a 16 yr old niece pregnant before I was born and spent 2 yrs in prison. They allowed him to be around their daughters? He had a circuit. He visited all his little granddaughters during the summer and I know for a fact mine isn’t the only life he messed up.
One is probably dead from alcoholism. She came and visited me once and I couldn’t believe how messed up she was. Looking back, I was just as bad off as she was. I was taught to hide it all. I worked in the beauty business, so I looked better than I ever felt. High end salons with a couple of well known stylists you’ve heard of. I felt “less than” at both salons. I felt like everyone could see through me, see my insecurities, and what business did I have being in that environment? I had a hard time holding down jobs, therefore my SS is laughable.
I’m very scared, feel so alone and scattered. I’m paralyzed with fear and don’t even know how I’m going to drive there. 1/2 hr awa
I have no job, not eligible for disability, they are taking 10% out of my monthly SS check for their mistake on overpayment. I just don’t see any silver lining. I have no income to speak of.I activated Crisis here and it was so supportive and wonderful. They have a lot of options and will help you find housing and services. I was so pleasantly surprised at how I was treated.
I don’t exactly know what that means. But thank youI activated Crisis here and it was so supportive and wonderful. They have a lot of options and will help you find housing and services. I was so pleasantly surprised at how I was treated.
It means I called crisis, went to ER, and was set up with wonderful people who helped me a lot. They know the ins and outs of getting help. Maybe you can try again without saying you are suicidal with a plan, and they will be able to help you out of your situation.I don’t exactly know what that means. But thank you
I know, you can’t say you’re suicidal It all falls apart at that point. I don’t know why I’m hyper vigilant about him and his behavior towards me. I guess its the flip-out tantrum on Monday afternoon. It’s hard to like someone after being attacked and you know his entire attack is centered around making, keeping me feeling insecure, trapped, dependent. I’m a servant w a marriage license.It means I called crisis, went to ER, and was set up with wonderful people who helped me a lot. They know the ins and outs of getting help. Maybe you can try again without saying you are suicidal with a plan, and they will be able to help you out of your situation.
I did say I was suicidal because I was. I just wanted to get across that if you haven't called a Crisis line lately, things may have changed.I know, you can’t say you’re suicidal It all falls apart at that point.
You've identified the cause of your trauma, how can you change it? If he's going to cut you off when he retires, it's best to make other arrangements now. By leaving you are saying you won't accept his abuse. I don't know of any other way of fixing it without you setting boundaries on his behaviors. He treats you badly and is abusive and nothing will change unless you do something to change it. It's horrible that it has nothing to do with your behavior, and you are the victim here, but he will continue. You have managed to survive abuse all your life, you are strong! You have what it takes to change your situation. You can't change him, you can only change yourself.It’s hard to like someone after being attacked and you know his entire attack is centered around making, keeping me feeling insecure, trapped, dependent. I’m a servant w a marriage license.
That takes my breathe away. Terrified. I don’t know how to interact w people anymore. I don’t know what to do for money. I’m 65. It blows my mind I’ve wasted my life away. I just didn’t know.I did say I was suicidal because I was. I just wanted to get across that if you haven't called a Crisis line lately, things may have changed.
You've identified the cause of your trauma, how can you change it? If he's going to cut you off when he retires, it's best to make other arrangements now. By leaving you are saying you won't accept his abuse. I don't know of any other way of fixing it without you setting boundaries on his behaviors. He treats you badly and is abusive and nothing will change unless you do something to change it. It's horrible that it has nothing to do with your behavior, and you are the victim here, but he will continue. You have managed to survive abuse all your life, you are strong! You have what it takes to change your situation. You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
I guess what I mean by gaslighting is trying to make me believe he had all these ideas even to what plants to put in!! Just not true! I let it go. I said a couple things like that he couldn’t really believe that. How could he remember something that never happened? And then I disengaged. He’s trying to upset me, get a reaction which would come across in anger because it’s so ridiculously bs, then he can attack. I had to laugh out loud. (Again, I bought the feeders on a whim - so when would we have discussed it?) It’s crazy making.I would call it taking credit for other people’s work & ideas.
Which is it’s own sniveling/pompous/cowardly/arrogant brand of assholery.
The woman at the social security office told me not to divorce my husband. She was looking at my financial situation which is so bad. There is no money coming in. I was unable to put enough credits together through my working years. I had countless jobs, all of them short-lived. I don’t play well with others. I don’t mean to be that way, but I get suspicious, think I’m going to get fired so quit in a horrible way. Always. I don’t know why it was that way. I had no self-esteem. I’m still the same person, even after the years and years of therapy. I remember being so nervous going to big social events I would feel like I was going to faint. I’d have to have a couple drinks to work up the courage. I don’t know how to socialize anymore. I don’t know what to do exactly. I don’t do anything other than this on social media. I don’t trust it.I know its hard to put aside, but what he says really doesn't matter. As DharmaGirl has pointed out is true. You are strong and will have to take the steps to take back your life. What he is showing you now is as good as it gets.....Time for you to make plans to escape this and I am betting that even though you haven't socialized in a long time and dont have any friends, that is something you can change as well.