My paranoia manifests with everything like, social issues, a hypervigilence and just general thinking about up in my head all day long. My brother commented that "I am socially rusty", because of this.
I hate to admit that there's something "really wrong" with me, because of this. I make posts about how I struggle and how I feel. I think for some reason I've latched onto how I feel "in America" and feel very bad and paranoid and wish to go to Europe etc.
Maybe Frieda can help provide perspective with this because she is from Germany. I don't know. I think I have some trouble here because people are "too open", right away and that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe that's it, maybe they are too forward. I am trying to figure this out. I don't want to keep making posts about how bad I feel here, but I guess you could say I 'want to flee the country.'
I'm definitely fleeing up into my room. I think that possibly I didn't develop correctly, and I have to look at some of the 'negative distortions" I learned in time of fear that are operating today. A lot of it is fear.
There was another thread about paranoia where there was a quote given "just because you think there's something in the bushes doesn't mean there isn't", I get this - but I think that holding onto maladaptive ptsd fears will only screw you in the long run. I want to make sure I'm saying I get it though. I totally get where she's coming from. I think I'm just terrified of people. Yet, I miss them and want a social life.
I never learned how to do this, because my traumatization happened when I was very young at 13, so I never go to develop a normal social life. I was always hiding/ avoiding up in my room. I learned to make a good front in front of people, but the social skills and life just weren't there. I just withdrew.. I had some friends in high school that are good and carried me through. Man, it's been a long time I've been like this, and the crazy thing is that I liked being this way though, after it happened; I feel I lost a part of myself, and that was a long time ago.
If I hadn't, if I was normal... perhaps this wouldn't happen.
I feel America is hard for me particularly because people are so upfront and open here; it's really hard if you've got trauma or are slow to warm, prefer a more intellectual or a calm environment, or are not so open and outgoing all the time. Anyone else feel this way? I don' hate my country, I've just struggled here greatly and just don't have the infrastructure or skills to support myself, I also feel that you make friends and that they just go just as quick here. Not like in Europe, where friendships are deeper and trust is earned. I just struggle with it and it doesn't leave a lot of leeway.
I have paranoia too. I'm going to start countering some of this, though it be hard. We don't have to all be amazing rockstars, just have to get out and live and try. We can do this.
