Parenting Question

[anonymous]

As someone who has PTSD due mostly to childhood sexual abuse by my father and secondary trauma cause by my mother, I obviously had a pretty screwed up childhood. So I didn't exactly have good role models for this parenting thing. And while generally I would consider myself a good mother who at times makes mistakes (like all parents do), I sometimes struggle with decisions because I don't know what is "normal".

I am happy to be a somewhat overprotective parent. I think there are a lot of parents out there who could benefit from being more protective and on top of what their kids are doing. That being said, I do not want to be SO protective that I keep my daughter in a bubble and don't let her have friends, go places, and be a kid. I strive to have my protectiveness somewhere in that normal range leaning slightly to the more protective side.

But sometimes things come up that take me out of my comfort zone and I'm not sure whether I'm making the right decision or if I'm being overly protective and getting freaked out or worried just because of my own personal issues. I want my daughter to have as normal of a childhood as possible.

Here's my scenario: (My daughter is 8 years old, soon to be 9.)
My daughter goes to an extremely small school. It's a new school for her, attending a little over a month, so we don't really know the other families with one exception. Three of the girls in her class are planning to go to a special night time Halloween event at our local zoo next weekend. Three girls is almost every girl in her class...two of them in particular are girls with whom my daughter is good friends. The girls all want and invited my daughter to come along, too. Naturally my daughter wants to attend the event and have an opportunity to hang out with her friends. I know it wouldn't feel good to her to not attend and have to listen to them back at school going on and on about the things they did.

Here's the problem: I get an email from the one mom that I do know. I have known her for about five years. I do not know her extremely well, but I do trust her. I have let her take my daughter and her daughter on a girl's day before and was calm and confident with my daughter being with her. The email from this other mom explains that the girls all want my daughter to be able to go with them. But this is an outing where it is the dads taking the girls. The other mom knows my daughter's dad is not in the picture and she was torn because she doesn't want my daughter to go and feel badly because she's the only girl without a dad but she also doesn't want my daughter to feel left out and excluded. She said that her husband was more than happy to take my daughter along with their daughter to meet up with the other girls and their dads.

I've met this dad on numerous occasions but not for anything more than a polite hello and a few cursory words. He seems like a really nice guy and great dad but I don't know him. My internal dialogue says the mom is a good person and I trust her so surely her husband is a good person, too. But I don't really believe that is foolproof. I tell myself this is going to be a group activity in a large public venue...what could he possibly do? But there are ways to get the girls alone even at large public places. And there is that time after he picks her up when he'll be alone with mine and his daughter on the way to meet the others and on the way back home. But still what could he possibly do with both girls while transporting them? Right? Don't ask, don't think about it!

I know I'm over thinking this. I know I'm letting my own issues get in the way. I don't know if my concerns are me being just a little overprotective or if this is crazy-over-the-top overprotective. I want her to be able to hang out with her friends. I don't want her to feel left out. She doesn't care that she'll be the only kid there without a dad but when she first found out it was dads going and not moms she looked positively devastated because she thought she would have to have her dad to be able to go. I am very thankful to this other mom/dad for thinking of my daughter, considering her circumstances and offering to take her so she would be included. But I don't know if I can send her with a group of dads that I don't really know.

Am I being normal protective or crazy protective? I don't want to let my crazy keep her from being a normal kid with friends. But I'm also terrified of making a bad decision and her getting hurt and me not being able to live with myself. I know I can't keep her in a bubble and protect her from everything. Would you be able to let your daughter go? Just for the record, I think I'm leaning toward letting her go but I'm second guessing myself and making myself sick over it.

 

[Nebulustrix]

anon - That is a genuinely tough question, even without your history. If it were me making this decision, I would be comfortable with letting her go to the event, but not necessarily with the other girls dad picking her up. I would not feel comfortable with any man stepping into a fatherly role for my child unless I had absolute trust in him, and could say with certainty that I had no worries he would do anything bad to my child.

It sounds like you do not have that absolute trust in this man. He may be a perfectly good guy, great dad to his own daughter, and would probably never do anything to harm your daughter, but you don't KNOW that, because you don't know HIM- at least not well enough to feel comfortable. I think it is perfectly normal for you to feel uncomfortable with this idea.

If this were a man you knew and trusted, it would be a different story. Maybe, if there is time before the event, it would be a good idea for you to spend some time with this girls family so that you can better get-to-know the dad and see if such trust can be built. However, there should be an alternative. If there is a man in your life that you DO trust, for example (a brother, uncle, friend, etc) - perhaps you might consider asking this man to be a "fill-in" for your daughter's outing.

Another good idea might be to talk about this with your daughter. She may be only 8, but they understand so much at that age and are very capable of making some decisions on their own. Maybe explain to her your discomfort, without sharing the details or the reasoning, just that it makes you uncomfortable because you do not know the dad well enough. And ask her, if you decide that going with her friends dad is not an option, if she wants to attend the event on her own? Ask if this would cause her to feel awkward or uncomfortable with her friends, or if she'd enjoy the outing anyway, and let her answer help you determine whether it might be okay for her to go even if she doesn't have a father-figure to go with her.

Since it's a school related event, I'm sure there are going to be additional chaperones? She won't be entirely alone with the other girls and their dads - she'll have other supervision? If she's okay with it, and you have no man you trust to fill in for the event, I might be a little nervous about letting her go alone, but that wouldn't make me anywhere near as uncomfortable as sending her with a guy I don't know well enough to trust.

 

[fly away home]

I understand your fear, personally I would be thinking all the things you are thinking but I would still let her go. Another option is to say you are used to taking on the dad role so you are happy to take her (that's if you are) or just do the pick up, then you will have a chance tho chat with her in the car on the way home about how things went, if only to put your mind at ease and give you something to do! Good luck, I know its hard.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you're singling men out as abusers while hanging on to the dangerous societal assumption that women are "safer" when it comes to protecting our children from sexual abuse. I'm not saying to trust nobody, rather examine why you see men as being so unsafe. My parents made the same mistake. I was abused by a female but it was a male who was questioned. He was determined to be wrongly accused (not by me) and the issue was dropped. Nobody even thought to question a female!

If you don't allow her to go, you're enforcing the belief that men should be feared while women are to be trusted. This is dangerous in my opinion given that you seem to fear men based on your own past abuse.

I was allowed to go places with friends dads when I was a kid. Nothing ever happened with them. If you keep her from this activity, you might as well keep her from all activities until she's 18. Don't fool yourself into thinking that she should only go places with moms because women are "safe ".

 

[Candleflames]

We had a similar dilemma in our house a few months ago. My 8 year old daughter got invited to a sleep over b-day party where the kids would be transported to an ice cream parlor and back, not just by the parents but by other family members. It was a very large b-day party of about 12 kids! I knew the parents enough to know they are good people. My issue was that they had other extended family members that I might have not ever met. It was something I agonized over. I did let her go, but I didn't sleep much.

Talk to your daughter about keeping herself safe. Not just for this night but for the many more to come. Just keep the conversation age appropriate and make sure she know that she can talk to you about anything. Talk to the parents too. Tell them you know you're the crazy overprotective mom but you'd feel more comfortable getting to know them a little better and ask to take your daughter over to their house a little early so you can have that time. They'll probably understand and even want to do the same if the situation was reversed.

The best way we can protect our children is to have a strong relationship with open communication. It makes them less likely to be a target. If you can have that kind of relationship with your daughter then you can at least trust her instincts. It took some practice but I have learned to trust my kids instincts when it comes to many things.

 

[KP the nut]

It is a difficult choice. I think most parents face something of this whilst their children are growing up. I was never physically abused and had a positive male role model (brother) whilst I was growing up.

When my daughter was in her early teens, she asked to go to a disco at the ice rink in a big town. I knew it was coming as this disco was a popular event. She was going with friends and would be taken and collected by one of her friends parents and would then sleep over at their house.

I let her go but we had a serious talk about safety, leaving drinks unattended etc. I had to trust her to look after herself and be sensible. It all worked out fine. In fact she said it wasn't great and never asked to go again. If I hadn't let her go it would have been an ongoing battle.

You have a great relationship with your daughter. Talk the event through with her, trust her to speak out if uncomfortable for any reason. If she isn't comfortable, she can always contact you to come and collect her. She will be with friends and it is doubtful if she would be with a male on her own.

I'd let her go. Warm hugs, it isn't easy as they grow and need independence, but it is part of growing up.

 

[anonymous]

Since it's a school related event, I'm sure there are going to be additional chaperones? She won't be entirely alone with the other girls and their dads - she'll have other supervision? If she's okay with it, and you have no man you trust to fill in for the event, I might be a little nervous about letting her go alone, but that wouldn't make me anywhere near as uncomfortable as sending her with a guy I don't know well enough to trust.

It's not a school event. I only mentioned school because these are friends from school and her class/school is so small that this number of girls getting together is almost every girl in the class. No little girl wants to feel like she got left out of something that all or most of the other girls in her class got to do.

I understand your fear, personally I would be thinking all the things you are thinking but I would still let her go. Another option is to say you are used to taking on the dad role so you are happy to take her (that's if you are) or just do the pick up, then you will have a chance tho chat with her in the car on the way home about how things went, if only to put your mind at ease and give you something to do! Good luck, I know its hard.

If this were a school event, I would be going with her and this would be a complete non-issue. But these are a few dads who are friends and made plans to get together and take their daughters to the zoo...it's not the sort of thing I could really invite myself to. Well, I probably could but it would be very awkward for everyone.

I think you're singling men out as abusers while hanging on to the dangerous societal assumption that women are "safer" when it comes to protecting our children from sexual abuse.

I am absolutely not singling men out. I know the other girl's mother. I do not know her father. I've had many interactions and long conversations with the mother over the course of the last five years. I've seen the dad a handful of times and never said more to him than exchanging pleasantries. If it were a group of moms that I did not know who were taking their daughters to the zoo and invited my daughter to come along without me, I would be having these exact same concerns and questions.

Talk to the parents too. Tell them you know you're the crazy overprotective mom but you'd feel more comfortable getting to know them a little better and ask to take your daughter over to their house a little early so you can have that time. They'll probably understand and even want to do the same if the situation was reversed.

That would seem the logical thing to do. Those kinds of interactions and situations are incredibly difficult for me and I don't think I'm up for it right now.

I've told my daughter that she can attend. She is beyond excited about it. I know it is going to be difficult and I'm scared I'm going to change my mind at the last minute. My daughter would be pissed (I wouldn't blame her). I've just got to let her go and trust that she'll be okay. Trust is such a hard thing.

I do see my therapist tomorrow and I'll be sure to talk to him about this to make sure I've really thought everything through...he needs an opportunity to remind me that I can't control everything and can't protect her from everything, it's been awhile. Then I can remind him that I'm her mom and it's my job to protect her from as much as I can for as long as I can. Parenting is such a hard thing.

Thanks everyone.

 

[Nicolette]

It is your job to protect your daughter but, as I see it, it is also to guide her, teach her and prepare her for the world on her own. I am guilty of 'over mothering' my son due to my past and often have Anthony's input to contend with. From what I've learned it is better to educate and teach a child how to deal with scenarios while making sure they feel they can come and talk to you than to over protect them for the greater part.

I'm glad you are letting your daughter go. You sometimes have to make informed decisions as a parent that are about the child and not yourself. Parenting is a difficult job and I thought it would get easier the older they get but I find it just changes.