Parenting With Ptsd

[Chantal]

I have babies. A 1 year old and a 2 year old. They don't understand but somehow my 2 year old comes running to me (I hear him running from the living room to the bathroom) whenever I close myself in the bathroom crying (I make less noise possible) and he yells at me "Mommy where are you" and I dry off my face and open the door and he jumps in my arms and say "Mommy:) I love you". It breaks my heart every time. I think he fells it but i'm sure he doesn't understand.

 

[Omnia vincit amor]

My daughter just turned 14 and grieving silently. She says she is very strong, but I feel that she is strong for me.

I became suddenly weird, behaving strange, saying things I have never said before and there are the dissociations. She found me a couple of times collapsed in the celler. She knows which medicament she has to put into my mouth.

She says I am doing crazy things and I have crazy new friends (spiritual people and patients like me). She says I am crying a lot (she is never crying, she promised her brother not to do).

She needs time for herself, closing her door. She wants to stop her therapy, she never talks about what happened.

I feel in a way that our roles are switched, she is the grownup (she must be) and I am now the child. Every day is a hard work to hide from her what is actually going on in me, I do as much as I can.

I feel sorry for her, that she had to go through so much, with so little help. I do not know how it will affect her future, our future.

 

[Live_Laugh_Love]

I have a beautiful 6 year old daughter whom I love with all my heart and soul and would never want to do anything to hurt her. My PTSD is severe followed with major depressive disorder and have to take meds for the rest of my life. My daughter is getting older and is truly affected by my disorder and does not understand why Mommy can be so loving, nurturing and caring one moment and detached, withdrawn, angry, sad, and raging the next. She asked me the other day Mommy do you hate me? My heart just broke into a million pieces and all I could do is cry and hold her so tightly. I am deeply saddened to realize that my disorder is extremely affecting my daughter, and I am deathly afraid that because of nmy illness that she will grow up with a disorder because of my PTSD. I would never wish my illness on my worsest enemy for all I wish and pray for is that one day I could just wake up healed and healthy. I am a single mom attending college full time to become a criminal psychologist to study the criminal mind. My ex husband has been with his girlfriend for 3 years and he takes care of her two kids but does nothing for his own. Not to say that he doesnt love his daughter but love does not pay the bills and neither does my PTSD, I feel a lot of the time Imprisioned by this disorder, as if I am in a coffin 6 feet under ground with no way to get out and no one who understands how emotionally draining this illness is. I just ask for your prayers today for my daughter to keep her protected from any future emotional trauma due to my disorder. Thank you for your prayers and God bless all of you with this horrible illness, and I will keep you and your children in my prayers as well.

Money can buy you material possesions but it can never buy you love happiness and health~ Anonymous

 

[Ice_Fire]

(((((L_L_L)))))

You care for your daughter so deeply, that much is obvious. She'll know that. You are in my thoughts x

 

[Shellbell]

Having PTSD and depression is one of my worst fears as I don't want to be my mother. My mother was chronically depressed and failed to be a good mother in many ways, allowed things to happen and didn't protect me, or show love as a result. Plus a lot of other emotional and mental abuse, causing me great shame and guilt and blame for things that she failed at as a mother.

I have a huge driving force as a result to be a mother who loves, cherishes, protects, encourages, accepts and will do anything for her children.

I functioned highly - including as a mother for a long time and now to be diagnosed and be labelled as having what the APA define as a psychiatric illness - is something that upsets me greatly - as now my children have a mother who is ill. And I am unable to function highly as a mother, as well as in every other aspect of my life. I can't work (I've always worked in good jobs) and have had to arrange for my youngest who is 3 to go to day care 3 days a week. This greatly upsets me and everytime I take him I cry after I've dropped him off as I feel so guilty.

I feel a huge amount of guilt and shame that I can't function anymore as a mother the same way I could, I can't cope, can't tolerate their normal 'boy noise' etc.

But, they are the reason I get up and get them ready in the mornings, do the school run, make dinner and my main reason for getting therapy as I want to be the best mother I can be.

My husband and friends tell me not to beat myself up and feel guilty, but the deep rooted need to not be my mother is so strong.

 

[Eleanor]

LLL you are in my prayers. I can hear your heartbreak and worry. :(

Can you get your little girl into some kind of therapy? It can really really help them to sort out all the confusing things in a way that makes sense in their little kid worlds. It seems to have really helped my L.

@ shellbell - I have the main job in our house, and L went to day care (a really super good one) three days a week. I cried every day for a long time too:cry:. She did as well, but then she'd cry when I picked her up! :confused::eek:. It has turned out to be a great blessing for me, having her daycare "family" as we don't have any extended family here, and it really helps her to have other adults she loves and trusts and who understand and can help her. (and me, too!)

Just remember, we don't have to be perfect moms, just "good enough" moms. :tup:

 

[Shellbell]

@ Eleanor, thank you. Today was the first morning my little boy didn't cry when I dropped him off at Kindy. It made a difference and I wasn't so emotional. He's happy there and I know they look after him well. I'm also trying to focus on this situation not being forever. There will be a point where I can cope better than I can now.

I think we will have family therapy at whatever time that is appropriate. That will help too.

@ LLL I will think of you in my prayers. I also pray for my children and others for protection against the affects of the PTSD and will include anyone here who needs that.

 

[overtheview]

Thank you timetorecover for asking this question. I'm new here and this was something I was wondering myself. Although I've been diagnosed for a long time I never really looked into it properly and just tried to push it all back. Coming onto this site however has opened my eyes and made me have a better understanding of all the things I usually deal with.

My children who are 10, 7 and 3 know that sometimes I am not well but I have never really explained it to them properly. I have told my son who is the oldest that something bad happened to me when I was younger and that this is the reason I stress out a little bit when he goes outside to play. He is really good about it but I haven't spoken to my other two about it. All three have seen me upset a few times but I try my best to keep them away from it.

I think maybe after reading this thread I should sit down with my older two and explain about my PTSD. I have really been struggling the last 6 months and I'm sure my roller coaster of emotions have been confusing for them. I guess I've just tried to hide it from them to protect them but maybe the right thing to do is explain it to them a little bit so they are not getting mixed signals from me.

Thank you to everyone in this thread, I think you have really helped me.

 

[BaRtMaN]

I have a 17yr old son that was driving the car when the accident happened and is was 100% the other drivers fault. It has been 3 years in the end of this coming March and my son I think still blames himself....The day I got home from the hospital, I knew something in me had changed as he came to me and asked how I was feeling and held my hand and I told him I was going to be okay and I was just sore. Then he told me with tears in his eyes, "Dad, i am sorry that I hurt you." (now I am crying again) I instantly went into tears and told him he was not at fault at all and to never think that and if he did that all is forgiven and he is still my buddy and we are all good and to never give it another thought.

I really think what effects him the most is his mother and me not getting along, but that is a two way street and he knows that and he knows that I can only take so much. He has been very trying lately. For example his friend stopped over and my son used a bunch of my tools from inside and out in the garage and left the ones in the garage out and the ones from my workroom in the basement on the kitchen counter.

I came in from outside and nicely reminded him to not forget about putting them away before he took his girlfriend home at 11pm. They were still there the next day, so i explained it to my wife as I have been trying to let her take care of punishment as he gets really defiant with me. She said something to him so he took care of the tools outside and the tools on the counter disappeared, but were not put away as I needed one of them as I was working on a guitar. He had just flung them in his room to shut us both up. My wife chewed on him a little bit and he got really mouthy with her and then that is when i get really angry and it becomes a blowout...I just told him he could not use any of my stuff if that is how he was going to treat it.

I honestly don't know if this is from the PTSD or because he is 17 and is trying to break out on his own with some independence, either way it is not allowed in my home.

 

[BaRtMaN]

I remembered this morning that my son is really angry that the guy that hit us was 21 and was driving on a restricted license for drunk driving. His restrictions were Monday through Friday to and from work only. He hit us on Sunday at 4pm, the deputy never breath tested him, I was a deputy and that would have been the first thing that I would have done.

Anyway, The thing is the next day the guy wrote on his Facebook page that he couldn't believe that all he got from that was a stupid little ticket, LOL! I wrote him at once and told him that it indeed was not a laughable matter at all and he should feel lucky that he didn't kill us and asked how he would feel if he had killed my son or me. My son is the most disgusted about the guy joining the Army to get out of all of the trouble, he said it just isn't fair dad! I am sure that bothers him still for sure.