Parents, Is This My Ptsd Talking Or Am I Being Reasonable?

[sugnim]

I have a son who is almost 3 who just recently started preschool. I was hesitant to enroll him in preschool because I have a very hard time trusting others with the safety of my child. Child abuse goes back in my family as far as can be seen, and I also work in a law firm where I have handled too many cases of child abuse at the hands of preschools, tutors, teachers, etc.

Today, my wife received a call from my son's teacher saying that she is taking the kids to the fair today. The fair is on the other side of the town from the preschool, and they will be taking a bus. We had no advance notice of this. I am very upset because I believe that parents should be notified in advance if the kids are being taken on a filed trip. I was also upset because we took our son to the fair yesterday, and part of that trip was explaining that at the fair you get 1 treat, and that the fair only happens once per year, so this was special. It was supposed to be a special family trip & treat for our son, not just another class activity. My son, being very young, was excited at the fair, and was prone to darting off in different directions to look at everything. It was very crowded, and it was quite the task to keep him close while letting him enjoy himself safely. I have doubts about the teacher being able to control 18 toddlers at such an event. Mostly, I am angry that she did not tell parents about the trip ahead of time. I am angry about the lack of communication and about her assuming that she can do whatever she wants with others' children. I am sitting at my desk fuming and preparing to talk with her when school is over. But, I don't want to let my temper get the best of me and undermine my message.

Am I being reasonable with my anger, or am I over-reacting because of my past, my PTSD, and my general mistrust of people? Thanks.

 

[sugnim]

Also, this is the email I want to send to his teacher:

Hi [teacher],
[Wife} told me that you called her today to tell her that you are taking the children to the fair. I am a little upset about this as I believe that parents need to know about such filed trips before they happen, and I also believe that both parents need to be informed about where their children will be.
In the future, will you please provide us with a schedule of upcoming field trips, especially ones that involve city busses and trips to new places? It is important to me to know where my son is when he is not with me, and it is important that communication between our family and the school always remain open and inclusive. I will talk with you about this when I pick [son] up from school today as well. Thank you.
[name]

 

[Casey_03]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I was actually shocked when I first read this, because I've never heard of a teacher doing anything like that with no advanced notice or planning. To me, that just seems like the sign of an irresponsible teacher, and not someone I'd trust. I would actually go so far as to consider filing a complaint against this teacher or contacting a superior. She put you in a really bad position where you were basically forced to let her take your son; it doesn't seem like she even gave you an option. She called your wife AFTER she made the decision. I suppose it would be different if she were going along with several other teachers, but if she decided to take all those kids on her own .... yeah, I wouldn't trust her one bit.

 

[Silver.]

I think you are justified in being upset. This is definitely something that you should be notified of ahead of time. Especially so parents have the opportunity to volunteer so it won't be just one adult trying to manage that many children in a very public and possibly dangerous venue. It sounds like both of you work, so you wouldn't have had the option to go in and pick him up to opt out of the fair, which is too bad. I am sorry that this is causing you such worry, as I would be upset and worried too. I think it would set me on a path to looking into different preschools. I hope you can get this sorted, she doesn't sound like a responsible person and that can be very worrisome x

 

[digger]

I don't think you're overreacting. It's perfectly reasonable to expect to be informed in advance and for your permission to be sought before taking your child anywhere that hasn't been previously agreed.

 

[EveHarrington]

Were you raised in America? I ask as permission slips (or whatever they are called nowadays) have always been the standard (at least for the last 4+ decades), for legal reasons. A day care provider, school, etc cannot just take a child off property without parental permission------signed parental permission. Otherwise, I think it can be considered kidnapping.

 

[Justmehere]

Your email is very reasonable.

When you talk to them, stay cool, calm, and collected as much as possible and try to hear them out, because it will help them take your concerns all the more seriously. If you can, try to wait until there is a quiet moment where the head of the preschool is not distracted by other parents and children, so that you and her are less overwhelmed and able to hear each other out.

Your fears about the teacher not being able to control 18 preschoolers at a county fair sound reasonable if it is one teacher and 18 students. if they had other parents, staff, or volunteers, that might be a different situation. There still remains the problem of the lack of advance notice and permission from parents and guardians.

They should have informed you in some way. When I worked at a summer day camp for kids of all ages, we gave all parents a list of all the off grounds activities for the week, and for legal reasons, we covered our asses by making sure they signed off on permission well in advance, for every single off grounds trip. Heck, we had them sign permission to give snacks or band aids.

This article might help explain how preschools are supposed to handle day trips like this: Dead Link Removed - this might be a good resource to print out and give to the preschool. If this is a small private daycare, they may not be as up to speed on the need to communicate and get permission, and this may be a chance for them to learn that unexpected trips with young children can be upsetting for parents. (Ya would think this is obvious... ugh...)

If it gets heated and you feel yourself losing your temper, leave knowing you have other options to resolve this. If their response and handling of this is unsatisfactory, you could research into who licenses daycares in your state, make sure they are up on such licensing, and ask the regulatory agency on input or filing a complaint. I wouldn't tell the daycare in advance of contacting the regulatory agency that you will be following up with the proper licensing agency - just keep this option in mind for you to persue if things go further downhill.

 

[sugnim]

Thanks all. I intend to speak to the teacher, who is also the preschool owner. There are other adults on the trip, but I still was given no advance notice of this. This is not a small daycare; it is an established local Montessori school and the owner/head teacher is a Ph.D. who instructs the children in English & Chinese. It is an expensive school that is stretching our family's resources thin, but I thought it would be a good opportunity for my son. I trusted this woman, and I am dizzy with anger right now. I am going to have to do some serious deep breathing before I talk with her to prevent from just letting lose a ton of rage on her.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm gonna ask a tricky question - are you sure your wife didn't get notice and sign for permission? Raising a preschooler is hectic and hard, and maybe this was overlooked by your wife? Mistakes happen. The preschool may have still goofed up, and with the credentials that they have, hopefully your feedback will be well received. Also be open to their possible explanation as to why they did what they did, and what they will do to make sure you are for sure kept in the loop in the future. That's essential.

In addition to deep breathing, you could try holding ice or something cold, even a cold soda. That can help me keep my anger from rising too high when needing to talk to someone who has goofed up.

You got this!

 

[sugnim]

I'm gonna ask a tricky question - are you sure your wife didn't get notice and sign for permission?...

I am 100% entirely sure that my wife did not receive any sort of advance notice or sign for permission.

 

[TXbandit]

Justified anger and reasonable. If you are worried about losing your temper while speaking to the teacher, maybe talk to a few other parents about the situation to get their thoughts and see how they feel about it before hand. It might help cool you down. Also, have another parent with you while you talk to her. It may help keep your anger in check. Just remember to breathe. I hope this gets worked out with ease.

 

[Friday]

I've forgotten about events before... My sons preschool listed out & had us sign for field trips at the beginning of each semester, and then called the day before to remind us... But I'd be about furious to find out they'd simply left, and only slightly less furious for day in advance warning-only, as that wouldn't give me time in a lot of cases to make advanced plans.

The only piece I think is a slight overreaction is the "just another school event". After 15+ years in school, yes, field trips get a little blasé. As a toddler, though? Everything is exciting and new. AND it will be an entirely different experience going anywhere special with family than going anywhere special as a group. Expect your son to be telling the other kids ALL about it (as an expert) getting to lead and show his friends, and if a Montessori school? The teachers to take mad advantage of all the kids who have been to the fair to set them up AS leaders / companions to the kids who are nervous/scared or new. So you guys got to introduce him to the fair yesterday, and today he gets to be the one introducing his friends. It makes for very different stories/perspectives & a very different experience.

((Some parents do that on purpose, especially those for whom leadership is a quality they value highly; I never did, but it happened on accident enough that it made for my being able to be excited to talk with my son about how the trip went / rather than worried about it. And they really were always very, very different experiences!))

I don't think that's a PTSD overreaction, though, so much as a new parent reaction. It's a new thing happening, when school & family events duplicate. And any new thing with kids? LMAO. Yeah. Anxiety through the roof. Most parents go there, and go there hard, until it normalizes. Oh. This happens. And when that happens? This other thing happens. Which is actually kind of cool. Okay. Alright. We can deal with this. Yeah. Okay. Breathe. <grin> Until it happens enough you're the one telling other parents... Oh! This! We've done this!