DID Parts emerging?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've been panicking this last week, living in a dissociated fog and feeling so much shame regarding therapy and how I think. But I think I've figured out why I'm so panicked.

I think I've written before about how dissociation is a problem for me. Lost time, elastic time, the world feeling miniaturized, my body feeling fake …. and sometimes, me feeling so so so little.

A few times in therapy so far, I've lost time. Later, my therapist told me about things that I did during that time that I have absolutely no recall for, and seem wildly out of character for me. I can't explain these things.

Last week in therapy, I know I acted like a teenager. I was defensive, reactive, sarcastic and I couldn't control myself. Now, I'm terrified to return tomorrow. I feel like what I did and said, which wasn't super nice, wasn't me. I don't know how else to explain it. Just …. someone else.

I'm panicked. Tell me to go back. My alarm bells are clanging and I want to run away or call out sick or just not engage at all.

 

[Hope4future]

Go...it's all a part of the process. Your T will understand. Those teenage parts need to be heard from too. They have important information for you. Go...you'll be glad you did.

 

[shimmerz]

Tell me to go back.

You do need to go back. So hon, I will say it. Go Back...I mean that with all the kindness and compassion you need in order to believe that.

There is a part of you that is resisting, but notice the part of you that is asking for support in going back to therapy. Conflicted. All so conflicted. And that is absolutely normal. And absolutely okay. :hug::hug:

 

[ButterflyBean]

@shimmerz great validation in your reply above! I will be sure to ask you any time I need it, which is a lot lately! *high five* and :tup:! I hope you're doing well these days! :)

 

[shimmerz]

I hope you're doing well these days! :)

Working on it Holly! Thanks for the good wishes! :hug:

 

[ButterflyBean]

@theshadowoftheliving I hope you find the strength to go to your session today! You deserve to be supported through all of this! Please let us know how it goes if you can. Here are some hugs and gentle guidance if you need them! We are supporting you in spirit! :)

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@HollyBeans27 I did show up. It was kinda awful. I'm increasingly convinced that my therapist is a bad match for me ....

 

[ButterflyBean]

I'm so sorry! Can you find a new one?? If you're comfortable sharing, what happened? What makes you say she's a bad match for you? Just curious... Again, I'm so sorry you're feeling worse now! You can do this! :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Powder]

@theshadowoftheliving do you think it could be that one part of you selected this Therapist, but that other parts of you don't trust her? Maybe you are about to find out why. Could there be more stuff repressed about to surface?

Whatever it is, you can figure it out in time. Don't worry, You got this. Just give yourself time. You don't have to decide today.

There is a reason you are having trust issues (or some kind of issue) with her, which may shed light more on you than on her. Just keep living and trusting your gut. Something is there for you to find and process.

 

[Intrepid]

I had numerous flooding experiences (feelings I never knew existed), and I was often expressing my shame at having "parts". I called them fragments. As I read other people's posts, including yours, I realize what I went through was normal for what I went through, not something to be ashamed of.

Having the dissociation in therapy sessions is the best place for that to happen. Having a therapist who knows what's going on is essential. It took me years to find the right therapist. It was worth all of insufficient therapists, just to find the right one. Having a patient, understanding, and intuitive therapist is key.

If this one isn't working, can you say so to the therapist? Does it do good to try and communicate your thoughts to your therapist about how your therapy is going?

 

[Born to Run]

Yes please go back. It is ok to act out in therapy sometimes, and if your therapist is a professional, she will know how to put this into the right context for you in a way that you get more insight about yourself.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Just an update that I did go back (and continue to return). It's a bit of a pressured situation since I only have two more sessions with her ... So in a way, addressing the interpersonal stuff between us is just a waste of time.

And I think my defensiveness is more about me than her, which is super painful for me to admit. It's easier to blame her. But I think that I'm so accustomed to being rejected and humiliated that I'd rather assume that this is happening and act defensively, rather than live with the ambiguity of the situation. I'm working on it. It's just so so so hard.