Passively Suicidal

[Forgetful]

Pdoc asked me the other day if I had any SI. I told her no. She knows my history ( 2 pretty bad SI resulting in 2 4 week hospitalizations and 2 attempts resulting in 2 3 month hospitalizations. All around this time of year) and she knows I'm afraid she'll send me back. She keeps telling me that'll only happen if she feels it is absolutely necessary! So, I told her I'm done with that, hopefully. Now I'm passively suicidal.

I don't have enough energy to kill myself, but I don't care if I no longer exist. Everybody will be better off!

Now I do things like when I was severely dehydrated this summer I adimatly refused to go to the hospital. H said if he knew I was that bad he'd have called an ambulance BUT I didn't tell him. (Small room, no AC, no breeze, very hot, didn't come out for a week. Got to the point I didn't even sweat, hallucinations, derealization, delusions). Did nothing.

Now, fever (101 F) x 1 week and aches & pains but not going to doctor. I just don't care! But I do. I'm so confused.

Anybody else feel like this? How do I stop it? How do I get past it? How do I care again?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Forgetful Bad time of the year. Ok, what can you find positive right now? Is there some thing that you can do that you can start learning to self care. Even something small, to jump start the process of starting to taking care of yourself. Even a little????

This may sound harsh, not meant to be.... We can stay in the land of self hatred, self loathing, self harm, and by doing so we let the bastards win that did this. OR! We can fight to show the bastards that no matter what they throw at us, we will survive, we will come out the other side victorious. We will emerge from this hell and be awesome. Sounds corny, but it can happen. It's starts with you trying to show yourself some self compassion, no matter how small that effort is......

 

[Deleted member 541]

It really doesn't matter what trauma a person has gone through. Rape, shooting, car accident, war, domestic violence, it doesn't matter. What starts the processes of getting better is to show ourselves compassion. No matter how small that is in the beginning, it will grow, and with work, therapy and time it does get better...

 

[Forgetful]

• @She Cat not harsh at all. I felt caring, support, understanding. Thank you. I will try - I will get out of bed and take a shower. Maybe that will help. Hell, maybe I'll try Pdoc's homework. This week it was to cry (sounds stupid) but very hard. Your response brought a tear to my eye ( I think because somebody cares and gets it). Maybe I'll go with that.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Forgetful I hope the shower helps a bit to ease your mood. I actually just took one myself a little while ago, and decided to actually shave my pits and legs. LOL!!!! Well, after 4 months, the hair was a tad long and nasty. I'm having some minor surgery in 2 weeks,(yikes2 weeks) and thought that maybe the dr didn't need to see that mess of tangled hair on my legs. I'll probably get razor burn though after trying to get that mess off............. Lesson learned, DON'T shave... LOL!!!!! Feel better!!!!

 

[Forgetful]

Felt a little better after the shower, homework not done.

After a mini meltdown and tantrum I went out and shoveled a path in snow. So at least got 1 thing done. Unfortunately this doesn't make this deep, dark hole any less deep or dark.

Time to turn my attention to my granddaughter. It will at least take my attention off me for awhile. :oops::yuck:

 

[Muttly]

I've been there. Sometimes you just have to slog through. It sucks and is draining but if you keep slogging, you will get to a place where those small steps like taking a shower add up. you can get to the point where you can make the choice to start focusing more one living than on wanting out.

It's a really hard place to be in. I am virtually sitting with you and rooting you on.

 

[aut555]

It's like walking in quicksand, you get pulled down and the emotions just rain down at this time of the year. But the act of doing one thing can bring relief and propel you into feeling you can feel better, if you keeping taking baby steps. Everyday can bring you closer if you allow this to happen.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Forgetful YES, thinking about something else, redirecting your thoughts, and doing something to take the thoughts OFF of you, and onto something else will help with lifting depression.

I hope that you had an awesome time with your granddaughter and you're feeling better! !!