Passively suicidal

[ThePhoenix]

I went to river oaks for my ed ages ago. From what I recall the trauma track will also have ed patients. The ed patients on the trauma unit came over for meals and processing after meals. They also did I think one of the ed groups but they were mostly with the trauma track. If someone was having a hard time ed wise they could be moved from the trauma track to the ed track. I heard good things about their trauma program but that was a long time ago.

 

[hermione]

I went to river oaks for my ed ages ago. From what I recall the trauma track will also have ed patie...

thank you for your insight i have been inpatient many times just never to focus on trauma so that would be different for me. i am hoping it doesn't come to any of this i want to stay outpatient if i can i am trying its just difficult sometimes i don't know what my therapist is exactly planning for me when it comes to everything i guess it depends how things go...if they go uphill or downhill we have a phone session tonight like i said and i am scared to mention anything because part of me just wants to find a way to get past this i don't know if i can but i just dont' wan to go anywhere i mean who does...

 

[St.Maybe]

How are you feeling, @hermione ?

 

[hermione]

Thanks for asking. I had a phone session last night it wasn't so great. She doesn't think I am trying hard to get out of the depression and focusing too much on the negative and when my eating disorder gets worse my flashbacks and nightmares are worse she said and depression. She said I have to take care of myself including eating and stop saying I don't want to eat as that is a negative. I am just not that motivated and she feels I am choosing to stay sick... and maybe that's true but I don't know I am just down as usual today...

 

[Muted]

Wow, I wasn't aware that people could just try hard enough to get out of being depressed. Are there specific things she's recommending like medication? I can understand if she's frustrated, if you were refusing to deal with the depression in any way. But, your in therapy at least. Maybe she can't help you.

Is hard to eat or do anything when life feels hopeless.

Does she validate at all how you feel? It doesn't sound like she's hearing you.

 

[hermione]

She is wonderful and I love her I think she is frustrated because I was doing well and I am not doing what she is asking or recommending like I am just either going to sleep or just doing nothing and sitting around focusing on negative stuff instead of moving forward. I am not journaling anymore and I do have medications but I made an appointment with my psychiatrist for next week. She recccomends I don't see my parents they always make me worse but I just don't know how to step back I think because she saw progress and now it's just back to how I have been for years it is just difficult. She is great but I need more validation right now that is true she knows I don't know maybe in person I can make her understand more that I am not just doing this. It's because I am not doing what she is recommending to help I think that is the issue but it's not that easy for me to do what she is asking.

 

[hermione]

I had a semi positive day yesterday and trying to focus on that but my mood is back to low and depressed...I am just tired of fighting everything and maybe I do focus on the negative too much but it's just like there I can't seem to stop like I am trying to hold on to yesterday and those positives like my therapist wants but it's not that easy I am going to journal the positive stuff but I still feel depressed ... have restricted food today and yesterday which I know makes my depression worse but I just feel bloated and already full that I can't eat much...

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@hermione Ditto with me too, my days are like a roller coaster at times. RIght now my mind is somewhat muddled, EMDR has sort scrambled me a bit, it's hard to think now, my mind is processing other stuff, tired of people beeping their horns at me at stop lights because I am just sitting there when it's green. At times I just wish something would happen to me that would end things without me having too when I reach that point of despair.

 

[hermione]

@hermione Ditto with me too, my days are like a roller coaster at times....

I totally get wanting something to just end it. i have in the past been told my eating disorder would kill me and at times i wish it would i feel it is not that bad right now so its not going to happen but it would just be easier...i have ideas how i would do it but idk i just don't if i am really bad i usually do tell my therapist and well end up hospitalized but i just don't want that to happen...its like early but i am already ready to go to bed idk if my therapist will be happy i fi keep just choosing to go to bed...she told me a while ago to end my day when sitting in negative thoughts but i don't know when that starts becoming a problem...i don't sleep all day i function and go to work but then i just get tired...and emotional so i just go to bed before i do something stupid..

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@hermione You would like my therapist, she would say "whatever it takes" and shutting down and sleep she sees as a protective mechanism. If you think about it, Alcoholism, Eating disorders, drug abuse, sex addiction (unsafe sex) over time are forms of slow suicide. Have you had DBT?, approach the negative with its opposite (opposite action). When I start having those thoughts I sometimes use my safe place imagery. I also have on my bedroom a wall a beautiful picture of a pathway with a floral overhang to remind me of my safe place and that I am safe. Another thing I do to cope and manage such thoughts is I play music and write music, it's the one thing that takes all my attention, so it take me away from my pain. You probably have something similar you can turn too to steal your mind away from your pain.

Presently I am finding myself using these strategies more and more as I am in EMDR and just had my first actual EMDR session, and it has left feeling numb and hurting, and hard to think, and it has left me with some of my old unsafe thinking. But I am resisting the later, because it can get me in trouble and in PHP or Hospital if I let it control me, and that would end my EMDR and the chance to get better and address my most damaging hypervigilance would com to an end. And it that happened, I would come to an end (my T knows this too). I have a contract with her, but its not a safety contract, its a contract use my supports before safety is a problem.

I hope you can find something that works for you.

 

[hermione]

Thank you for the support my therapist I think is ok with me going to sleep when just stuck in negative thoughts because it is not destructive. I journal sometimes I try positive things to write but that can be a challenge. I see my therapist Saturday so see how that goes and my psychiatrist next week. They usually talk so my psychiatrist has some idea.