This is complicated but I'll do my best to keep this to the point.
I was sexually abused at age 4. I was then the lead in sexual activities with about five different girls when I was 4-6. I see men with women and feel sexual emotion and control very strongly.
I'm now 31 and feel like I have to get a divorce and leave my wife and kids. It kills me. We already filed for divorce and it goes through in about 60 days.
About a month before my soon to be ex wife and I got married (10 years ago), she left her email open on my computer. There were over 400 emails between her and her ex. Most of them were sexual somehow. I saw a lot of pornographic videos and photos. He would sexually abuse her and she would go with it. I was a complete dumbass (I was 21 and didn't have the tools or control) and continued looking for more pics and videos and continued to find them over the next two years off and on.
What messed me up and I felt literally possess me (or something dark and spiritual-made me shake) was I felt the sexually and emotionally abusive power he had over her. It hit me down to my core.
We've had a bad marriage. Almost no passion the entire time aside from a few months in 2010. We had sex about 15 times 2011 through 2012, and about half of those times happened while we were sleeping. I completely unplugged from her emotionally in 2013. She denied me all the time. She wouldn't kiss or hug me. And I had seen how she was sexually with this guy who was super creepy and literally a molestor (he molested her a few months before we met), and she taught me that she loved him more than me. And this belief was ingrained in me.
So as insane as it is (looking back), I became him in some ways. I even used his name when talking to strippers or prostitutes. I ended up getting prostitutes starting in 2014 (I could never have a real affair, felt too bad, never tried-it's weird), was caught by the cops in 2016, followed by deep depression where I literally couldn't move sometimes. Lost my mind, my heart, my body, money, and even my parents and siblings. Literally everything. I've had to sleep in my car and steal from gas stations to get by. It's crazy. And even crazier if you knew who I was before I got married.
About a month ago I had a post EMDR panic attack. I put a hole in the wall and threw pictures off the wall. Luckily no kids were in the house and I didn't see anyone during the attack.
So even through this, we've tried to make it work. Just last weekend we tried again. We left on a weekend getaway. But I can't be intimate with her. Anytime we try to legitimately bond I shut down. I really do feel like a piece of shit with her. I can be happy at first, but when it gets deep, I shut down. The next morning we went to have brunch and were happy at first, but after like 10 mins of talking I start to get light-headed and dizzy, then just want to sleep.
Then I just get depressed, can't work, and watch porn. And I watch really hard borderline abusive shit with creepy guys. I hate it. But when I'm in this mindset, I have the hardest time controlling it.
Do any of you have any advice on how to heal? Do you see any way to heal or change my subconscious (without revisiting the emails and hell emotions)?
I was sexually abused at age 4. I was then the lead in sexual activities with about five different girls when I was 4-6. I see men with women and feel sexual emotion and control very strongly.
I'm now 31 and feel like I have to get a divorce and leave my wife and kids. It kills me. We already filed for divorce and it goes through in about 60 days.
About a month before my soon to be ex wife and I got married (10 years ago), she left her email open on my computer. There were over 400 emails between her and her ex. Most of them were sexual somehow. I saw a lot of pornographic videos and photos. He would sexually abuse her and she would go with it. I was a complete dumbass (I was 21 and didn't have the tools or control) and continued looking for more pics and videos and continued to find them over the next two years off and on.
What messed me up and I felt literally possess me (or something dark and spiritual-made me shake) was I felt the sexually and emotionally abusive power he had over her. It hit me down to my core.
We've had a bad marriage. Almost no passion the entire time aside from a few months in 2010. We had sex about 15 times 2011 through 2012, and about half of those times happened while we were sleeping. I completely unplugged from her emotionally in 2013. She denied me all the time. She wouldn't kiss or hug me. And I had seen how she was sexually with this guy who was super creepy and literally a molestor (he molested her a few months before we met), and she taught me that she loved him more than me. And this belief was ingrained in me.
So as insane as it is (looking back), I became him in some ways. I even used his name when talking to strippers or prostitutes. I ended up getting prostitutes starting in 2014 (I could never have a real affair, felt too bad, never tried-it's weird), was caught by the cops in 2016, followed by deep depression where I literally couldn't move sometimes. Lost my mind, my heart, my body, money, and even my parents and siblings. Literally everything. I've had to sleep in my car and steal from gas stations to get by. It's crazy. And even crazier if you knew who I was before I got married.
About a month ago I had a post EMDR panic attack. I put a hole in the wall and threw pictures off the wall. Luckily no kids were in the house and I didn't see anyone during the attack.
So even through this, we've tried to make it work. Just last weekend we tried again. We left on a weekend getaway. But I can't be intimate with her. Anytime we try to legitimately bond I shut down. I really do feel like a piece of shit with her. I can be happy at first, but when it gets deep, I shut down. The next morning we went to have brunch and were happy at first, but after like 10 mins of talking I start to get light-headed and dizzy, then just want to sleep.
Then I just get depressed, can't work, and watch porn. And I watch really hard borderline abusive shit with creepy guys. I hate it. But when I'm in this mindset, I have the hardest time controlling it.
Do any of you have any advice on how to heal? Do you see any way to heal or change my subconscious (without revisiting the emails and hell emotions)?
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