Pattern Of Arguments

[PrivateUser]

Just wanted to circle back to this thread.

It has been a few months. There have been many days and weeks of good times, me feeling better and some of the damage starting to heal.

But a couple of weeks ago I was triggered pretty badly. I have since felt raw, and a couple of times have slipped back into old habits. Without thinking I slip into a combative attitude, and blurt out something controlling toward DH. Being that he's been dealing with this for so long, he understandably gets very angry. We have spent the past couple of days talking it out. DH is at his wits end. And we together have decided to pursue some couple's counseling, in addition to my own. I'm so hopeful that this will help us learn some new techniques to manage this and get through it together...

I guess I wanted to find out from fellow sufferers. Do you experience this random combative/controlling attitude? Sometimes I'm not even aware of where it comes from, and I need to learn what I can do to help calm and control it.

 

[friendlybadger]

Allie, I just read this whole thread today and it's sooo me too. What Okradlak posted is my life in a nutshell too. I had some kind of social anxiety, ptsd, etc. minorly when I met my first husband. He was very much like described in that he'd be emotionally comforting and was there for me. Like Okradlak, mine turned out to be a violent abuser who turned my life upside down and destroyed me emotionally and nearly physically too. Ironically though, before he became that monster, he was the kind of supporting man I needed and the way I wish my current H could be. There is alot that physical touch can heal, and a loving hug and touch can help tremendously during an episode.

As far as combative/controlling attitude, that would be me. Like you, I often don't know where it comes from. I can guess. Mine might be from built up resentments to my H that haven't been addressed. I do know that in my case, I am self-aware enough to know my stuff stems from the violence in my first marriage. As a survivor of torture and all kinds of abuse, I can say that I've taken the path of most resistance now in that instead of crumbling in the face of perceived danger, I flare up and am ready to fight. I'm not sure if it's because I'm trying to seem all scary and bitey (lol) in order to ward off a potential threat, or if I'm seriously, really angry and ready to perform a smackdown on somebody. I'm still figuring which at this point.

I am controlling and I know it. I work hard not to be. I was an obsessive email, phone checker on my current husband. That stems from my ex using the internet and phone to commit adultery time after time after time. The only difference is that I was naive back then and never thought to check up on him because I trusted him. Nowadays, I don't trust and I figure I'd rather find out sooner than later.

That aside, I control in other ways. I like to control my environment, like, I won't go to sport events because there could be drunken, loud scary men there. I minimize my risk by not going. I guess that's the basis of my controlling behaviors--I try to minimize the potential 'threats' or 'risk' to me. Anything that triggers me is something that I try to avoid. Knowing my triggers now, 5+ years in, I can pretty much plan so that I don't have to risk a trigger launching me into a full-blown attack. I'm ok with facing things that trigger me if I *have* to, like on the job. But if there's an option not to have to deal with something, I'll opt out.

 

[PrivateUser]

friendlybadger, thanks so much for sharing. (Love your name by the way!)

In my situation, DH is not at all abusive or dominating. In fact he is the complete opposite. He is very passive. When he gets angry, he usually shuts down and wants to be alone for quite some time. I always sense this when it happens, and right away start working the situation to try to "fix" it.

I totally relate to your comment that maybe you get all combative/controlling to seem scarey and bitey to ward off a potential threat. My PTSD stems from a combination of traumas: a terrible car accident, a verbally and physically abusive relationship, and an alcoholic relationship. I think much of what I experience when I get into that combative attitude stems from the relationship traumas. I think sometimes the smallest of actions, or combination of situations, or thoughts in my head set me off and I jump into "ward off a threat" mode.

Now if only I could figure out a way to break myself off of that combative tangent before I go down that path. Because when I do I say some pretty mean things to DH. Those things are not me, and I can't handle the guilt over the damage I have done/am doing to him!

 

[friendlybadger]

Hi Allie,
I can completely relate to feeling guilty about the damage we do when we get in 'rage mode' during a ptsd attack.
From what my therapist has said, CBT is supposed to help break that pattern. When you feel a rage attack coming on, you're supposed to pause and do whatever your treatment plan suggests-do breathing exercises, write about how you feel, etc. What's supposed to happen too is that your DH should be seeing your counselor with you periodically to learn how he can participate in your treatment plan. They're supposed to teach him things he can do to diffuse the situation and how to support you. I say 'supposedly' because these are things we've learned in therapy for myself, but my H doesn't apply them. Not to knock him, but with his own way of being, he often isn't capable of giving me the kind of support I need. Instead when I rage, I wind up getting him mad enough to rage back at me, which blows the whole 'support' thing. And of course that will keep escalating while we each up the ante and go from a small thing to a nuclear war.
I hope that your DH is more supportive and will work with you to help you with the problem, because it's a joint problem, not you alone.

 

[PrivateUser]

I can't help but laugh, because DH and I get in very much the same situation. I rage at him, which triggers him, and then he rages at me. He gets angry and shuts down, I need comfort and spiral out of control until I feel safe again.... and eventually we somehow find peace. Only we both feel a little raw, and it isn't long until something else starts the pattern all over again.

DH is certainly as supportive as he is capable of being, which is all I can ask. I'm working on learning how to use that "pause". I haven't mastered it quite yet.... I think DH now realizes that it is an "us" problem, and knows that he definitely needs some tools to help him help me. Hopefully our couple's therapy will help us to learn what those are. Now if only we can decide on a therapist to go see.

 

[OKRADLAK]

(((((Friendly))))

I am sorry you had to go through that abuse, too. On top of PTSD, it's very hard.

It's why I choose to be alone now. If I were to argue with a spouse now, after all this PTSD I would be very distressed. Even one argument would end it.