Lady of Longbourn
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- Post starter Justmehere
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- #14
Justmehere
Sponsor
Thanks for the encouragement everyone. It really helps to know I’m not alone in finding this to be very difficult.
I’ve used up all insurance and victim comp resources to date – it could be true that she is waiting on an appeal for those options. I hope so. The way those happen is that I would have to sign off on paperwork, and I don’t remember signing off on any appeal paperwork for months. I have a grant application that is still waiting approval for another funding source – but I handle all the paperwork on that.
Apparently, this is really continuing to trigger the heck out of me. I tried to face it and I texted my therapist. I told her only that I need to talk to her about logistics. I know, I should have been more direct. I felt slightly numb, and then it got worse. I ended up putting myself in the worst dissociative state in years. I barely remember it. In my dissociative state, I ended up texting her that I wasn’t doing well. I vaguely remember trying to tell her about it, but then stopped before I did because I didn’t want my freaking out to affect any of her decisions.
I had a nightmare after that. In my dream, I was back with my abusive family of origin. My extended family members were there, all trying to figure out what was wrong with me while ignoring the abuse. She was there in the dream too. She was not someone I feared, but my family was talking to her and she was talking to me. I was screaming but no sound was coming out. I kept trying to say no no no…
I’ve used up all insurance and victim comp resources to date – it could be true that she is waiting on an appeal for those options. I hope so. The way those happen is that I would have to sign off on paperwork, and I don’t remember signing off on any appeal paperwork for months. I have a grant application that is still waiting approval for another funding source – but I handle all the paperwork on that.
Apparently, this is really continuing to trigger the heck out of me. I tried to face it and I texted my therapist. I told her only that I need to talk to her about logistics. I know, I should have been more direct. I felt slightly numb, and then it got worse. I ended up putting myself in the worst dissociative state in years. I barely remember it. In my dissociative state, I ended up texting her that I wasn’t doing well. I vaguely remember trying to tell her about it, but then stopped before I did because I didn’t want my freaking out to affect any of her decisions.
I had a nightmare after that. In my dream, I was back with my abusive family of origin. My extended family members were there, all trying to figure out what was wrong with me while ignoring the abuse. She was there in the dream too. She was not someone I feared, but my family was talking to her and she was talking to me. I was screaming but no sound was coming out. I kept trying to say no no no…
- Post starter
- #15
Justmehere
Sponsor
I hate to just verbally vomit out what is going on for me with all of this, but maybe I need to. I’m starting to go numb and maybe this would help me ground and face it.
As a teenager, my extended family knew of some of the abuse, but their solution was that I needed to make my father happy so I didn’t set him off. I never did that. I acted out – at home. Never at school or with friends, only at home. Sigh. My aunts and uncles and cousins that all tried to “help” included people who were doctors (including a pediatrician), nurses, lawyers, and teachers. Of all the people to ignore an abused child acting out in a family… The doctor would patch up my injuries from my father, and then tell me to stop making him so mad.
When I was a teenager, I finally got to see my own doctor for a wrist injury my father caused. I told the doctor I injured by wrist by “falling” into the cabinet. I left out the part that my father pushed me, and that’s why I “fell” into the cabinet. That doctor put pieces together and required me to see a psychologist. He also required me to live with the aunt and uncle – who were more abusive behind closed doors than my own family. I never told the psychologist about the abuse, but he did watch me interact with family and go into and out of dissociative states. He was the first one who diagnosed me with PTSD. Over the next 3 years, while I was away at school, but still going home at times, my extended family tried to get me help. I did well at school but freaked with any doctors, counselors, or family members. I mean FREAKED OUT. I couldn’t hold it together to even make it through typical intakes with any counselors or doctors.
The therapists who waived the fee wasn't the red flag. I need to remember this. Most therapists have at least 3-4 clients they waive the fee for. Therapists do therapy to make a living, but there are much easier ways to make a living! They do it because they care, because many of them really get it and understand, and they want to help us trauma survivors.
My family dragged me (physically on one occasion) to family friends who were therapists. They all told me everyone in my family had been wondering what was wrong with me, but they knew it was the whole family system that was messed up – I was just acting out. They all validated me, knew of the abuse, and wanted to help me. They all offered to help me for free… every time it ended very badly. Very badly. Every single time it was because they never kept boundaries. Either they broke privacy to my family members or they offered to go to family events to support me or other weird things that a therapist should never do – and things that I always pushed back against and would scream at the friend-of-the-family therapist for even offering to do. I needed thanksgiving dinner to not include my uncle-doctor who had seen my female parts and the family-friend who had been my therapist.
None of those relationships with those therapists lasted very long (which was good) and my family became convinced I was a hopeless case and blamed me (not so good.) My aunt even literally abducted me once in anger at me about refusing to see one of those friend-of-the-family therapists… It took an outside person three hours to let me out. (I then obtained a restraining order against her.)
It’s been years since any of that happened. I no longer speak to any of my family, except occasionally my mother.
The hard thing is that if I can not find any other means to pay my therapist, my mother has offered to send me money to pay her, “no strings attached.” She did this about a year ago when I went to a PTSD intensive treatment program. The program changed my life… I would probably be dead if I had not gone. My mother really did help with no strings attached then.
But somehow, I’m still scared. I don’t want to take any more money from my mother. I don’t want my therapist to waive the fee. I want it all separate, safe. I want to get better even more.
Money aside, I don’t want my therapist to care like those friend-of-the-family therapists did. Something about the depth of her care lately has suddenly felt like that. She is so good at knowing her limits and boundaries… but lately, in this and everything else, she has shown so much care, so much investment in me…
I am so scared of her caring. Even if this is worked out, I’m scared of her giving a damn about me. Full payment or not - she does really care. She isn't quitting. She is staying, even when it is hard. It is her job and it's her passion too.
The other day, my therapist said that she thought my dissociative symptoms were related to processing family stuff – oh if she only knew how messy it is. She knows about the family members who were doctors and stuff. She doesn’t know about the family-friend-therapists.
Maybe it’s time I tell her.
As a teenager, my extended family knew of some of the abuse, but their solution was that I needed to make my father happy so I didn’t set him off. I never did that. I acted out – at home. Never at school or with friends, only at home. Sigh. My aunts and uncles and cousins that all tried to “help” included people who were doctors (including a pediatrician), nurses, lawyers, and teachers. Of all the people to ignore an abused child acting out in a family… The doctor would patch up my injuries from my father, and then tell me to stop making him so mad.
When I was a teenager, I finally got to see my own doctor for a wrist injury my father caused. I told the doctor I injured by wrist by “falling” into the cabinet. I left out the part that my father pushed me, and that’s why I “fell” into the cabinet. That doctor put pieces together and required me to see a psychologist. He also required me to live with the aunt and uncle – who were more abusive behind closed doors than my own family. I never told the psychologist about the abuse, but he did watch me interact with family and go into and out of dissociative states. He was the first one who diagnosed me with PTSD. Over the next 3 years, while I was away at school, but still going home at times, my extended family tried to get me help. I did well at school but freaked with any doctors, counselors, or family members. I mean FREAKED OUT. I couldn’t hold it together to even make it through typical intakes with any counselors or doctors.
The therapists who waived the fee wasn't the red flag. I need to remember this. Most therapists have at least 3-4 clients they waive the fee for. Therapists do therapy to make a living, but there are much easier ways to make a living! They do it because they care, because many of them really get it and understand, and they want to help us trauma survivors.
My family dragged me (physically on one occasion) to family friends who were therapists. They all told me everyone in my family had been wondering what was wrong with me, but they knew it was the whole family system that was messed up – I was just acting out. They all validated me, knew of the abuse, and wanted to help me. They all offered to help me for free… every time it ended very badly. Very badly. Every single time it was because they never kept boundaries. Either they broke privacy to my family members or they offered to go to family events to support me or other weird things that a therapist should never do – and things that I always pushed back against and would scream at the friend-of-the-family therapist for even offering to do. I needed thanksgiving dinner to not include my uncle-doctor who had seen my female parts and the family-friend who had been my therapist.
None of those relationships with those therapists lasted very long (which was good) and my family became convinced I was a hopeless case and blamed me (not so good.) My aunt even literally abducted me once in anger at me about refusing to see one of those friend-of-the-family therapists… It took an outside person three hours to let me out. (I then obtained a restraining order against her.)
It’s been years since any of that happened. I no longer speak to any of my family, except occasionally my mother.
The hard thing is that if I can not find any other means to pay my therapist, my mother has offered to send me money to pay her, “no strings attached.” She did this about a year ago when I went to a PTSD intensive treatment program. The program changed my life… I would probably be dead if I had not gone. My mother really did help with no strings attached then.
But somehow, I’m still scared. I don’t want to take any more money from my mother. I don’t want my therapist to waive the fee. I want it all separate, safe. I want to get better even more.
Money aside, I don’t want my therapist to care like those friend-of-the-family therapists did. Something about the depth of her care lately has suddenly felt like that. She is so good at knowing her limits and boundaries… but lately, in this and everything else, she has shown so much care, so much investment in me…
I am so scared of her caring. Even if this is worked out, I’m scared of her giving a damn about me. Full payment or not - she does really care. She isn't quitting. She is staying, even when it is hard. It is her job and it's her passion too.
The other day, my therapist said that she thought my dissociative symptoms were related to processing family stuff – oh if she only knew how messy it is. She knows about the family members who were doctors and stuff. She doesn’t know about the family-friend-therapists.
Maybe it’s time I tell her.
livingwiththis
Bronze Member
I understand how you feel my family made me see a free therapist and it turned out that her son was friends with my abuser and it turned out my abuser would get his friends together and abuse me also one of his friends was my therapists son I didn't know any of this until months later... she would report back to my family
I have seen about 5 therapists over the past 6 years all paid by insurance or grants I received I finally started seeing my current therapist who I have been seeing for two years now she's amazing works hard let's me text and email her between sessions I really like her about 6 months ago my insurance and grants ran out and it was her idea to see me for free..... if I got more coverage or when my insurance comes up again she said to pay her as much as I could but not to worry about the rest I feel bad about it because she works so haRd but I know she cares and is simply seeing me for free because she really does care..... I am very great fun for her she never gave up on me
I have seen about 5 therapists over the past 6 years all paid by insurance or grants I received I finally started seeing my current therapist who I have been seeing for two years now she's amazing works hard let's me text and email her between sessions I really like her about 6 months ago my insurance and grants ran out and it was her idea to see me for free..... if I got more coverage or when my insurance comes up again she said to pay her as much as I could but not to worry about the rest I feel bad about it because she works so haRd but I know she cares and is simply seeing me for free because she really does care..... I am very great fun for her she never gave up on me
desiderata310
VIP Member
@Justmehere I could have written most of this post, well... except no one in my family ever saw or cared. I am in pretty much the same boat except that I don't have Victim's Witness monies available to me or a mother offering to help... I'm pretty much alone in that regard. What I HAVE done is started paying my therapist more than what my co-pay is not by much- by 5 dollars. So instead of 30 dollars a week, I pay him 40. Simply, put it's just not ever going to cover what I owe.
The first time I did it I don't think he even noticed. We were engaged in conversation and just kept going. The next time I handed him the extra, he paused and said "do you want change?"
No. It's fine.
He looked at me quizzically and shook his head and half smiled and said "I see what you're doing there"
Yeah.. At this rate I will never catch up but at least I am trying. He KNOWS this bothers me a lot. It actually had a huge impact on my ability to trust him because I figured if he was going to do me a "favor" it meant that he will hurt me. It's been three months and that fear is beginning to calm down a tiny bit but it's still there. The last time I said something about giving him more money he said he wanted me to go out and buy a good mountain bike first before I pay him back.
When we found out that I didn't qualify of VW assistance, he texted me and said "I guess you're stuck with me" I haven't told him how very scary that statement was for me. I had a quite the panic attack, dissociated, and was pretty messed up for the rest of the day. yeah, I've had those very words said to me in a very sinister way. I just don't know how to tell him that or maybe I shouldn't. ugh.
ON THE OTHER HAND, it has been a huge motivator for me to work harder when I am OUTSIDE of therapy. Doing research on my own, trying really hard to sort things out and bully myself into getting better... Not sure if it's working but again, he KNOWS I am doing this.
All that said, yeah just.. Blurt it out. MONEY! AAACK! CAN'T PAY! FREAK OUT!! AAAAAHHH!! anything to get the conversation rolling. It will eat away at you otherwise.
The first time I did it I don't think he even noticed. We were engaged in conversation and just kept going. The next time I handed him the extra, he paused and said "do you want change?"
No. It's fine.
He looked at me quizzically and shook his head and half smiled and said "I see what you're doing there"
Yeah.. At this rate I will never catch up but at least I am trying. He KNOWS this bothers me a lot. It actually had a huge impact on my ability to trust him because I figured if he was going to do me a "favor" it meant that he will hurt me. It's been three months and that fear is beginning to calm down a tiny bit but it's still there. The last time I said something about giving him more money he said he wanted me to go out and buy a good mountain bike first before I pay him back.
When we found out that I didn't qualify of VW assistance, he texted me and said "I guess you're stuck with me" I haven't told him how very scary that statement was for me. I had a quite the panic attack, dissociated, and was pretty messed up for the rest of the day. yeah, I've had those very words said to me in a very sinister way. I just don't know how to tell him that or maybe I shouldn't. ugh.
ON THE OTHER HAND, it has been a huge motivator for me to work harder when I am OUTSIDE of therapy. Doing research on my own, trying really hard to sort things out and bully myself into getting better... Not sure if it's working but again, he KNOWS I am doing this.
All that said, yeah just.. Blurt it out. MONEY! AAACK! CAN'T PAY! FREAK OUT!! AAAAAHHH!! anything to get the conversation rolling. It will eat away at you otherwise.
- Post starter
- #18
Justmehere
Sponsor
@livingwiththis - oh thank you so much for sharing about your therapist. It helped me realize even more that this is just what some therapists do out of the kindness of their hearts.
@desiderata310 - thank you deeply for sharing about your therapist on this. Holy cow, I can relate to so much of what you typed! You helped me have some courage to finally tell her. I couldn't tell her the history, but I did talk to her about now.
I tried to call her three times and eventually gave up. I sent her a messy text telling her I realized we had run over the limit and I was freaked out and needed to work out solutions. I told her I would talk to her about it later that day at the session, no early response needed. She texted me back anyhow to reassure me that she wasn't concerned and we would talk about it later.
She talked about it right off the bat and was quite clear. It had run out. She had not bothered with requesting another extension. I quickly said I was pursuing other means of payment, but that it would take time. She asked what those other means were, and I explained about my family being an option before a grant kicks in - and the grant is not a guarantee. She quickly said no, she didn't want me asking family for help. She said that before she met me, she knew that I was a victims comp client, and that sometimes victims comp clients don't have other resources lined up when those funds run out. She told me she was "ok with that possibility, before I met you." She stated that she knew I would pay it forward someday anyhow...
I pretty much was freaked out and couldn't talk much. She told me that she thought I would be, and that's why she had not brought it up sooner. She told me that she hoped that my telling me it was something she decided before she met me, that this would help. It did help, I can't even explain why. I told her I was still going to pursue the grant, and she said that was good, and in the meantime, we were ok. Really ok.
I told her I wasn't so ok with it, and she said she knew, and we could keep talking about it. I told her how much I wanted to pay her more, for my sake and hers - she said she knew, and it's ok. She wants to keep doing therapy with me no matter how it works out. Then we talked about family, and really deeply so. It was one of the best sessions ever.
I'm still ansty about it, but I feel like it's ok to talk about... even when it shuts me down and scares and me and freaks me out... Or when I'm just ready to say ACK!
Thank you so much everyone for helping me face this!!!
@desiderata310 - thank you deeply for sharing about your therapist on this. Holy cow, I can relate to so much of what you typed! You helped me have some courage to finally tell her. I couldn't tell her the history, but I did talk to her about now.
I love this! lol. This is about how eloquently it came out.
I tried to call her three times and eventually gave up. I sent her a messy text telling her I realized we had run over the limit and I was freaked out and needed to work out solutions. I told her I would talk to her about it later that day at the session, no early response needed. She texted me back anyhow to reassure me that she wasn't concerned and we would talk about it later.
She talked about it right off the bat and was quite clear. It had run out. She had not bothered with requesting another extension. I quickly said I was pursuing other means of payment, but that it would take time. She asked what those other means were, and I explained about my family being an option before a grant kicks in - and the grant is not a guarantee. She quickly said no, she didn't want me asking family for help. She said that before she met me, she knew that I was a victims comp client, and that sometimes victims comp clients don't have other resources lined up when those funds run out. She told me she was "ok with that possibility, before I met you." She stated that she knew I would pay it forward someday anyhow...
I pretty much was freaked out and couldn't talk much. She told me that she thought I would be, and that's why she had not brought it up sooner. She told me that she hoped that my telling me it was something she decided before she met me, that this would help. It did help, I can't even explain why. I told her I was still going to pursue the grant, and she said that was good, and in the meantime, we were ok. Really ok.
I told her I wasn't so ok with it, and she said she knew, and we could keep talking about it. I told her how much I wanted to pay her more, for my sake and hers - she said she knew, and it's ok. She wants to keep doing therapy with me no matter how it works out. Then we talked about family, and really deeply so. It was one of the best sessions ever.
I'm still ansty about it, but I feel like it's ok to talk about... even when it shuts me down and scares and me and freaks me out... Or when I'm just ready to say ACK!
Thank you so much everyone for helping me face this!!!
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desiderata310
VIP Member
OOH my god. Yep. Sounds exactly like my experience. My therapist gets that this is what it is. He keeps telling me he's happy to keep working with me and that he LIKES working with me. (WHAT?! WHY?! ) CRAZY AS f*ck!
I'm shaking right now, badly stressed, in a terrible place and really realizing how much I depend on this person which is ALSO a huge issue for me but that's another matter altogether.
I am so glad you have a good therapist and that she's going to work this out and that she does NOT want you getting money from your family.
Good on her and I am proud of you!
I'm shaking right now, badly stressed, in a terrible place and really realizing how much I depend on this person which is ALSO a huge issue for me but that's another matter altogether.
I am so glad you have a good therapist and that she's going to work this out and that she does NOT want you getting money from your family.
Good on her and I am proud of you!
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- #20
Justmehere
Sponsor
I told my therapist she MIGHT BE INSANE. She just laughed and said "maybe.... but I'm still ok with you." ah... nutty therapist. Maybe our therapists are just crazy in the same way! lol. :eek:
It scares me as well, to realize, wait, I am counting on her. Without her, I have no other viable options. It freaks me out really. But maybe this time, it will work out ok...
It scares me as well, to realize, wait, I am counting on her. Without her, I have no other viable options. It freaks me out really. But maybe this time, it will work out ok...
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