Childhood Pedophiles (and Hebephiles And Ephebophiles)

[Deleted member 487]

I remember what led up to the incidents where I was molested, sexually assaulted and raped. And whenever I see anything even remotely close to resembling that, I split.
Because of that I have few friends, I don't socialize much,

 

[Lucycat]

And whenever I see anything even remotely close to resembling that, I split.

'Split' as in run away or as in an alter coming to the fore? I am asking because I think quite possibly the former is more under conscious control - and therefore a behaviour you can learn to change. The latter would require intensive therapy in my opinion.

 

[Deleted member 487]

The former, clearly. And I don't think that's going to change. I'd rather GTFO in error than hang around to find out how wrong I was in staying.
BTDT.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Simon,
I'm trying to understand this from several perspectives;

first of all, in terms of ownership of actions.

I'm taking it that you were not consciously aware of your earlier abuse when R was hanging about you?

If it hadn't come out that R had inappropriate feelings for you (and what followed from them), might you have felt differently about the time he spent around you?

As you are now - is there anything actually "bad" about an adult woman finding herself not averse to men who are much older than she is?


From a different perspective, I'll admit a vested interest in that last question, after a couple of long term relationships and a couple of periods of self isolation since I was in my twenties, I'm now at the top end of the age bracket you quoted. If I want to have children, that means I'd need to be seeking a partner in her thirties - almost twenty years younger than me - who finds middle aged men (me) attractive, or at least not too repulsive.

In general terms (I'm not propositioning you). Now that you are an adult - could you see interest from a much older man - without it bringing up feelings of being a little girl again?
_________________________
Addition
I had a close friend and work colleague who was living with a guy who was about 30 years older than her (she was deffinitely the dominant one!). Unfortunately with several house and job changes each, we lost touch a few years back.

You've got me seriously wondering about her now.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi @Anarchy. I don't think that an adult woman seeking romance with a much older man is intrinsically wrong, nor do I think the same situation with any gender or sex is wrong. I do think that I attract older men because I have always attracted older "men" (and boys), and I think this has as much to do with my abuse as it does with R.

I think I would have figured it out about R. I did know in my young mind that he was infatuated with me. I just had no vocabulary for it. I think that's why I flipped out as a kid before he disappeared. My parents thought I knew too, as evidenced by my fight with him.

Do I think I could be with a much older man? Absolutely, but status would be involved at a different level than it is now (with a peer). I would expect a house, a comfortable income, and I would expect him to be well educated, because these are the things I expect my partner, who is my peer, to achieve by then. I don't mean it in a gold digger way. I think I could have a meaningful relationship with someone a couple decades beyond me were I established myself and in my late twenties or early thirties. I find many older men who are not hitting on me and not a predator attractive.

That said, I question the motives of older men more than I do my peers, and I would expect the very same from an older man were I courting him.

Post script: would I feel like a child? I have a bit of a daddy complex, so probably yes. I think it can be done in a healthy way, though. I've seen it done. My sister is in her thirties with a man in his fifties. They just had a baby.

 

[Rumors]

@Simply Simon "I don't think that an adult woman seeking romance with a much older man is intrinsically wrong, nor do I think the same situation with any gender or sex is wrong. I do think that I attract older men because I have always attracted older "men" (and boys), and I think this has as much to do with my abuse as it does with R."

Very interesting. I attract older men as well and always have. It felt familiar, but inside there was always something eating at me that made me feel dirty and shameful. I wonder why it is that we attract older men and why, at least for me, I am attracted to older men. I married an older man. Familiarity? Comfort zone? Insecurity? Not sure why...

 

[RussH]

@Rumors perhaps one of the reasons you attract older men is your level of maturity? The older men see a younger woman that they can relate to in more than just physical attraction.

 

[Rumors]

Lol @RussH. I am not sure. I am mid 40's, but always dated older men even when I was 18. I met my husband in my 20's and married him in my 30's. He is 21 years older than me. Now that I am older, wiser, and more mature I can see the age difference in a different perspective than when I was 24 or even 34!
I also attribute my past to the inability to commit and failed relationships along the way with guys my age. I guess you could also wage the discussion that men mature later and find younger women more compatible. Lol. Who knows??? Just an interesting discussion and something I have been thinking about for a while now as I venture into discovering more about myself than I have ever known! When you are at a place where you can really step back and look at something without blinders on, you discover that possibly you never had a healthy perspective on certain life issues and decisions that were made. Now I am faced with trying to figure out why I went down some of those paths so that I don't make the same mistakes again.