people not always being there

[Strangelongtrip]

I’m not in a place to write a really good response but I want you to know I struggled with this my entire life, but after intense DBT therapy this past year I deal with it at maybe 10% versus 100%. My intense fear of abandonment is down and I have something resembling object permanence. I haven’t freaked out in someone not responding since April when I really hunkered down. You can do it!

 

[Rani G2]

knowing that everyone else just leaves at seemingly random moments? I feel like you can't really count on anyone.

@Catlovers141 similar issue going on in my mind. Never had a friend, scattered family and people who are rarely available. Yes rational mind says: People have their own lives, their/our limited capacity to get in touch.... unfortunately I have this „I cut you off so that you learn your lesson“ but which lesson? Why should they learn anything? This action I do is to kind of wanting to make them realize huh I am very disappointed and I cut you off. Reality is: They Don’t know what’s going on? some might ask and some not.. and some don’t give a sh. because they have enough stuff going on in their lives. I Do feel ignored at times and tend to get angry.. an then I idealize those who are not needing others.. and ask them how they Do it. I know 2 people in my background who love their solitary lives. And what I got to know is that there are people who want to be friends with them. This makes me even more angry.arghhh I am immature.

I also had 2 people who wanted to stay in touch with me but I didn’t.. my T asked if I disliked certain characteristics they had like massive insecurity that both of them had. Yes because this reflected my own insecurity. I always admired those who were less worried of what others think (This again I cannot always know for sure) Or don’t constantly second guess themselves. If I meet people who would constantly selfcriticise I wouldn’t want their relationship. I am like a child.

 

[Skywatcher]

I am dealing with similar feelings. My T left town for a week+ and I feel dismissed despite her checking in every few days. She knows I am struggling, but her boundaries are very evident and it hurts really badly. Also, I have support people, but sometimes I feel so alone about my feelings. I give compassion to anyone that needs it, when they need it and most people aren’t so freely giving of their time... including my spouse. They say you marry into an emotional support system similar to what you grew up with because it is familiar. That is me.

What is the solution? I heard a lot of explanations on why many of us are like this, but like you, I want to know how to fix this pain.

 

[Rani G2]

I just found some explanations /comments from T which I wrote down or Information from a book. Not my own words! T has a therapeutic approach that comes from the selfpart theory. Could work for some not for others.

There are certain self parts like fragile emotional parts or controlling emotional parts (States) That are stuck in the past. They are defensive and in need of control. If I don’t make them aware of the presence they continue to selfsabotage or avoid certain actions. So what needs to be done is to integrate them into the system.

Now knowing this is just theory. Still making slow progress....

 

[Skywatcher]

I just found some explanations /comments from T which I wrote down or Information from a book. Not my own words! T has a therapeutic approach that comes from the selfpart theory. Could work for some not for others.

There are certain self parts like fragile emotional parts or controlling emotional parts (States) That are stuck in the past. They are defensive and in need of control. If I don’t make them aware of the presence they continue to selfsabotage or avoid certain actions. So what needs to be done is to integrate them into the system.

Now knowing this is just theory. Still making slow progress....

That makes sense to me. Right before my therapist left, I had “feel like I have no control” on my list, but I didn’t know why.