Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Wow it's only been a little over a month. Lots has happened.

Today was the second Brainspotting session. First Brainspotting session we targeted some kind of an abandonment button, I don't even remember now. But a lot of my former triggers are just gone. Immediate aftermath I missed my dad more. Husband has failed to answer the phone, gone to sleep unexpectedly, and been suddenly withdrawn due to feeling unwell all since the session and I was neutral about it vs in the past going into fight mode.

Today's session focused on being triggered by negative nonverbal communication. It was way more intense than the first one. My body is still vibrating pain that got stirred up in the session. Inside there were parts yelling help me, yelling no over and over, one part felt trapped and alone, and at one point someone said "Get off me!" but I couldn't catch anything else linked with it... because honestly I was scared of it...

If I have a sexual abuse history, part of me wants to know, so I can feel like my level of crazy is understandable. I feel like I am "too crazy" for the issues I am consciously aware of. But part of me also thinks if I can be happy and healthy without ever knowing one way or the other that's ok... my parts say no, that's not ok... I guess we have to keep collaborating and negotiating on that.

I left here for a while because I felt shamed and misunderstood. My husband is kinder about my issues than people here have been. But I still want to have a touch point for the journey so I'm back, even though this place doesn't feel safe anymore. But at the same time I feel more internally resourced, so if I get called out again I think I'm ok for it and if not I am ok with going away to take care of myself.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Wow it's only been a little over a month. Lots has happened.

Today was the second Brainspotting session. First Brainspotting session we targeted some kind of an abandonment button, I don't even remember now. But a lot of my former triggers are just gone. Immediate aftermath I missed my dad more. Husband has failed to answer the phone, gone to sleep unexpectedly, and been suddenly withdrawn due to feeling unwell all since the session and I was neutral about it vs in the past going into fight mode.

Today's session focused on being triggered by negative nonverbal communication. It was way more intense than the first one. My body is still vibrating pain that got stirred up in the session. Inside there were parts yelling help me, yelling no over and over, one part felt trapped and alone, and at one point someone said "Get off me!" but I couldn't catch anything else linked with it... because honestly I was scared of it...

If I have a sexual abuse history, part of me wants to know, so I can feel like my level of crazy is understandable. I feel like I am "too crazy" for the issues I am consciously aware of. But part of me also thinks if I can be happy and healthy without ever knowing one way or the other that's ok... my parts say no, that's not ok... I guess we have to keep collaborating and negotiating on that.

I left here for a while because I felt shamed and misunderstood. My husband is kinder about my issues than people here have been. But I still want to have a touch point for the journey so I'm back, even though this place doesn't feel safe anymore. But at the same time I feel more internally resourced, so if I get called out again I think I'm ok for it and if not I am ok with going away to take care of myself.

Glad therapy is working for you. Oh, I hate that "no voice" I hear in my head when things aren't feeling safe.....I just want to duck, run and hide when things get to that point. And the getting called out......I've been called out..... and I suppose I look at my intent......was my intent well-intentioned, or was I coming across like I knew it all or intellectualizing and I've apologized before.....it's also a good place to learn to apologize with dignity. But really, honestly, I don't think anyone holds onto things like I might and remembers things said to each other over time (lots of people have memory loss issues which can be a plus when there's been an awkward situation)......I feel sometimes I can be overly opinionated......and this is a place where I have apologized if I've inadvertently offended someone......and a place where no one has to be right all the time.....everyone is allowed their opinion.

 

[HealingMama]

Glad therapy is working for you. Oh, I hate that "no voice" I hear in my head when things aren't feeling safe.....I just want to duck, run and hide when things get to that point. And the getting called out......I've been called out..... and I suppose I look at my intent......was my intent well-intentioned, or was I coming across like I knew it all or intellectualizing and I've apologized before.....it's also a good place to learn to apologize with dignity. But really, honestly, I don't think anyone holds onto things like I might and remembers things said to each other over time (lots of people have memory loss issues which can be a plus when there's been an awkward situation)......I feel sometimes I can be overly opinionated......and this is a place where I have apologized if I've inadvertently offended someone......and a place where no one has to be right all the time.....everyone is allowed their opinion.

Thank you. Yes most people move past things. My intent the entire time was to understand what's reasonable and not reasonable, and work on myself. I received some judgment but it's ok. People can judge if they want to.

Yeah the therapy was really intense. I am new to hearing the parts in words like this. They are much more differentiated during my therapy sessions. I felt my entire body and voice transform a couple sessions ago as she asked me to let several parts out to answer some questions. It seems to be helping though. We get along much better between sessions than we used to. I figure all those voices were different parts holding different things, I do not necessarily need to know "why" as it's a body based/sensory treatment. I actually like that better. The story in my head tends to just get me in trouble anyway!

 

[HealingMama]

Wrapping my head around the possibility that I have incest trauma. A single incident with a cousin during a holiday break would probably not be enough to fragment my consciousness to such an extent (or rather to make integration unsafe).

I think about this, try it on as a truth, and suddenly feel more solid in my body like I am more of myself. There are sections of disgust, sadness, pain, fear but also a feeling of... Groundedness.

I am reading Jennifer Freyd's old book Betrayal Trauma: the Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse.

Because I am less triggered these days, my husband has been very supportive. He took over all the home management and parenting tasks the other night so I could sit with these slices of shitty emotions bubbling up related to this topic.

Having no declarative memory just bits and pieces, disowned emotion here, weird phantom pain there, random visual imagery etc is so damn weird and makes recovery difficult. But I'm doing my best.

 

[coraxxx]

It's so difficult to piece things together @HealingMama . The ways that memories hide the very fact that they are memories... You're doing a big work and doing it good. Happy that your husband is doing better too and able to take things over and lighten the weights.

 

[HealingMama]

Thank you @ruborcoraxxx yes the memories can be very slippery. I am not sure I'll ever even have "declarative memory" or narrative memory about whatever those somatic experiences come from.

The last few nights I've slept terribly. Usually sleep is ok. I have been taking low dose naltrexone for my autoimmune conditions as well as CBD. Those usually knock me out but they haven't been. Thankfully husband was willing to let me sleep in today.

Last night as soon as my son was in bed I had weird crying fits, like there's pockets of dissociated emotion I keep trying to connect with and it comes and goes. I'll be laughing with husband watching a movie then anguish on my face.

My t suggested the last few sessions for me to think about why we are getting along better as a system. I don't really know except there is less fear overall. There's fewer internal conflicts happening. The helpers and ones needing help have better access to each other.

 

[HealingMama]

Hubby asked me on a date all on his own. It was nice. I was thinking I wanted to connect with him. And also thinking how we have been triggered the last few days and I didn't want the sex to stir it up or for the trauma energy to spill into the sex so I thought about it and told him I think if you're just loving and don't use any graphic language we should be fine. He was like are you sure you don't just want to table the sex for now? It's not a big deal.

So I had a committee meeting with myself I just asked hey can we please set this aside. I think a different part blended with me who was very energetic, happy and fun because everything got all shiny right after our committee meeting and the sensory stuff I'd been dealing with disappeared.

We had a nice time. I didn't really ask for anyone new to come out but I trust them; at this point we seen to mostly be on the same page.

I need to remember I can ask them for things.

Still not really sure why there's less fear and agitation. I guess we are listening to each other better. I'm not fighting them. I think some of them were stuck in the past. Our T has done such a good job making everyone feel safe and respecting the protectors.

 

[HealingMama]

Watched a training on dissociative disorders today. In the first hour or so my protector was really unhappy with my decision.
But we came to the other side, and we are ok!
Warned husband that we were doing the training because this protector has had a problem with him in the past... but I think we will do fine tonight. Everyone feels like they are back where they need to be.

I think we went clinical to avoid dealing with what is personal. Researching theory distracts from the memories and whatnot. Clever girl.

Edit:
Current mapping

Protector - 40s - ask his name he says "I don't give a sht" He really cracks me up!
Sam - 4yo attaching part, followed by Protector
Attic - teen boy, depressed and numb, holds secrets and comes out when we need to be numb
Suzie - playful little around age 6
Marge - 30s - part that researches, looks OCD, cleans/tidies
Daisy - 18 - sexual playful bubbly social part (she is the one that came out this weekend AND the one that popped out before we went to the drum circle)
Mouth - ?? young - fragment carrying intrusive images of a particular sexual act
Queen Mother - 60s - compassion, warm like sunlight, nurturing

 

[HealingMama]

f*ck.
Therapy today. We talked about how much progress I am making and boom - I'm half dissociated, half distracted by this pelvic sensory issue like my left hip bone area became tingly and felt like Icy Hot, and then was numb like the sensation was inverted - instead of feeling something it was feeling a lack of something.

T thinks it was next steps surfacing for "getting at the root of things". We were talking about which parts are afraid and why (going fuzzy around the edges is my fear/avoidance desire). What if it's graphic? What if I have to re-conceptualize my entire sense of my own history? What if I vomit in session when I connect with more of this information? I was also worried about losing functioning if or when I start to digest information like that but truthfully I know I'm fine on that count. I have stability, I have support if I need it to carve out alone time. I don't foresee triggering bleeding into my marriage in the way it was before because the parts primarily doing that have clearer understanding of the reality now.

New part showed up today way away from the rest of us, very upset (!!!) and unwilling to be comforted by anyone, unable to even fully see that she was not alone bc she was so upset and lost in those feelings. She was also blinking in and out of the space like sort of there but sort of not which I do not believe I have ever had an experience of parts like that where they are hovering on the edge of existing inside.

T suggested laying some groundwork to pose a gentle invitation to participate but no pressure on them. I feel like creating a welcoming space for them, and leaving actual space there, so they can come towards us when they are ready.

We are afraid of what it means if dad molested us. We always thought he was the only good parent we had, and if it turns out he wasn't really good to us, then f*ck what do we do with that? It makes us feel very alone... the insiders were quick to point out we aren't alone and weren't alone back then either, we had them there with us. But that isn't the same as having an actual healthy parent in real life. We knew our mother was not a healthy parent. We had no idea it might be possible that dad wasn't a healthy parent either. It is so hard to digest that possibility.

Today was hard. There's still this yucky heavy feeling around the pelvis. I wonder if the mind can fabricate body memories.

 

[HealingMama]

In other news... now I am reeling over whether my safe/dangerous antenna is broken.
This gets into some hairy issues that I am not comfortable articulating here fully but it sucks because I do not have anyone in my life that can actually help me figure this out besides my inner family.

And even if there are valid reasons to worry about this... I can't do that and deal with what's already in front of me. One thing at a time.

 

[HealingMama]

Progress. A conversation that should have been normal and manageable unexpectedly escalated. He ended up knocking some stuff off the coffee table in a display of anger. I calmly left.

We have been sleeping in the same bed again since July but after he did that I calmly took his pillow out there and said I'm not sharing a bed with you after that. And I haven't contradicted myself! I haven't rant-texted him. I haven't chased him. I haven't gotten terribly dysregulated. I haven't returned to simultaneously vent anger and attempt reconnection at the same time. That had to be really confusing on the other side of it when I was doing it.

I wish I could have an embargo on any "serious" communication for a certain period of time and that would somehow earn me the right to have a conversation like the one that should have happened tonight. But that will probably never happen, because it fell apart based on his own stuff and I have no control over that.

A conflict never used to pause like this. To breathe. I managed to have appropriate boundaries about his behavior without insiders pushing me to attach even when he's acted unsafe. We took actions that made sense, and didn't work against ourselves. I'm really proud of us.

-----

In other news, my protector came out tonight but it was a mutual decision. I wanted to have a shared experience that wasn't based in sympathetic nervous system activation. The way he uses my voice sounds different. He doesn't carry the "I have to be sweet and pleasing" mandate that I usually have. He has no qualms about looking really pissed off. I was cooking and listening to my yoga music and he said he didn't like it so I asked what does he want to hear and we played some classic rock instead. I'm trying!

 

[HealingMama]

Feeling lonely. I am awkward at work, shy, when I do get a chance to speak I don't hold the floor correctly and don't signal the right things. I don't put myself out there. I keep things strictly business because there are clear rules there, and take my cue from other people otherwise. Approaching it this way, teleworking during COVID, means I've made no friends.

I do have some friends. But I'm not good at staying in touch. I have friends here that I know from like 7 years ago that I see occasionally. I could probably see local people more if I made the effort. I met someone in a Brene Brown study group that is kind, safe, etc but I still am scared to build a connection.

I don't have drama with my friends. I have one friend, J, she used to pick fights with me because she was stressed dealing with med school and a bad relationship. But I didn't fight back really, I just went with it and she got it out of her system. I was probably just grateful someone wanted to hang out with me that I was willing to put up with it idk. She didn't do it all the time though.

I don't think I've really had proper conflict with any of my friends since high school. Even college, I'm not sure I got close with anyone. I tried in grad school and it worked for like a semester but I couldn't maintain it.

I feel like I will be rejected so I don't try. I feel like I will be boring and uninteresting. I AM boring and uninteresting unless Daisy is here but then I get worried like, if she is the one they meet, what happens then, do I just always ask her here whenever I'm with them? Because my baseline personality kind of sucks. I'm really good at being a close friend, I'm loyal, encouraging, helpful, up for a lot of suggestions for things to do. I'm just so scared of the process of getting to that point. I won't pursue friendship except with people that signal acceptance and welcoming very openly and very regularly. Most people don't go through that much trouble.