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- #841
HealingMama
Sponsor
Wow it's only been a little over a month. Lots has happened.
Today was the second Brainspotting session. First Brainspotting session we targeted some kind of an abandonment button, I don't even remember now. But a lot of my former triggers are just gone. Immediate aftermath I missed my dad more. Husband has failed to answer the phone, gone to sleep unexpectedly, and been suddenly withdrawn due to feeling unwell all since the session and I was neutral about it vs in the past going into fight mode.
Today's session focused on being triggered by negative nonverbal communication. It was way more intense than the first one. My body is still vibrating pain that got stirred up in the session. Inside there were parts yelling help me, yelling no over and over, one part felt trapped and alone, and at one point someone said "Get off me!" but I couldn't catch anything else linked with it... because honestly I was scared of it...
If I have a sexual abuse history, part of me wants to know, so I can feel like my level of crazy is understandable. I feel like I am "too crazy" for the issues I am consciously aware of. But part of me also thinks if I can be happy and healthy without ever knowing one way or the other that's ok... my parts say no, that's not ok... I guess we have to keep collaborating and negotiating on that.
I left here for a while because I felt shamed and misunderstood. My husband is kinder about my issues than people here have been. But I still want to have a touch point for the journey so I'm back, even though this place doesn't feel safe anymore. But at the same time I feel more internally resourced, so if I get called out again I think I'm ok for it and if not I am ok with going away to take care of myself.
Today was the second Brainspotting session. First Brainspotting session we targeted some kind of an abandonment button, I don't even remember now. But a lot of my former triggers are just gone. Immediate aftermath I missed my dad more. Husband has failed to answer the phone, gone to sleep unexpectedly, and been suddenly withdrawn due to feeling unwell all since the session and I was neutral about it vs in the past going into fight mode.
Today's session focused on being triggered by negative nonverbal communication. It was way more intense than the first one. My body is still vibrating pain that got stirred up in the session. Inside there were parts yelling help me, yelling no over and over, one part felt trapped and alone, and at one point someone said "Get off me!" but I couldn't catch anything else linked with it... because honestly I was scared of it...
If I have a sexual abuse history, part of me wants to know, so I can feel like my level of crazy is understandable. I feel like I am "too crazy" for the issues I am consciously aware of. But part of me also thinks if I can be happy and healthy without ever knowing one way or the other that's ok... my parts say no, that's not ok... I guess we have to keep collaborating and negotiating on that.
I left here for a while because I felt shamed and misunderstood. My husband is kinder about my issues than people here have been. But I still want to have a touch point for the journey so I'm back, even though this place doesn't feel safe anymore. But at the same time I feel more internally resourced, so if I get called out again I think I'm ok for it and if not I am ok with going away to take care of myself.