Piecing things together

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
@HealingMama , I hope this is ok to add, as something came to me, after being used to AD(H)D and trauma, with myself and around me/ in my family, in spades (both what I've lived and what I've witnessed):

A really great psychologist I knew used to also do marriage counselling and said only one type of couple he couldn't assist: those who wanted someone to 'officially' say it was over.

Curiously, however, many people coming from abuse think there's only 2 choices: leave because of abuse/ fear, or stay and tolerate everything else.

To complicate matters, the human brain doesn't leave alone what is incomplete: stay or go, but choose it says.

And stress or financial strain, +/or no sleep often makes love feel like it flies out the window. It will be a valley and a challenge.

It seems most people 'check out' well before they leave, Which is why for example affairs are less about the other person as already choosing to look for what seems preferable (not inferring you're cheating, one can leave emotionally as well as physically). But of course all relationships will have problems eventually, just different problems.

It does help if the people around you understand, but the truth is some won't, or can't. Also too, in your case that is your H, the loss of you might be frightening to him, so it may feel best for him not to think of, and therefore can be construed (rightfully so, sometimes) as lacking in support. It will be a choice to give the benefit of the doubt, and require vulnerability on your part.

Lastly, anxiety/ fear leaves most everyone feeling alone, unheard and misunderstood. And that's without DID. (And trauma of course, well that is One Big Bag of Tricks. 😭 ).

JMHO, but others are right, I don't think there's a rush, but taking all of the above together, I think it helps to choose to be either all in, to look for the best in your H, or and not let yourself go down the same negative road, or to decide that is not what you want. Both will have pros and cons and take work. But it won't feel like cyclical disappointment, because you'll either be able to be more loving and understanding (hopefully of one another), or you will move on.

Hope that helps, disregard if it doesn't. (I know only for myself I have to choose, with all decisions, to 'sh*t or get off the pot', as they ungracefully say, but for me it is true, though scary. And I'm not big on commitment but sometimes (often) I even get sick of myself, or sick of being sick, or tired of not taking a healthier, more peaceful approach. Using those extra thoughts or focus, to focus on what is happy, what is good, what is going better than it could be, what there is to be thankful for, or to create to look forward to, even if small, instead of focusing on negatives, or re-creating them. )

I hope you can cut yourself, and your H too some slack, sounds like it's been very stressful, and get through this rough time either becoming closer or starting anew. I wish you the very best. 🤗🤗
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Hi @HealingMama I only got a glance at your other post, I don't think you have to be ashamed. Even if you see it now as not an emergency, it might have gone better if you had said something like, ~'I really feel stronger and more hopeful when I have a chance to talk to you (H). ' But still, he has needs for rest too, and other needs. He sounds burnt out. Alongside it, it is reasonable he rests, as is hoping he'd be responsive or supporting. But it comes with no guarantees, and I think that's where (with all people) we realize we fit or not. You would also have probably felt a lot better if you had framed it for yourself (and him) as, ~'Terrific, no terrible or life threatening side effects!' (Glad you completed it btw. 🤗 ). Then you could have been happy for that. But just as equally, he may not have wanted to share in your joy either. I think that's where coming in to yourself without blaming (yourself or others) is handy. But I understand, it feels like even if it is not personal (and it may or may not be), there is a reason. At least he told you some of the reason, and so you can work together on that. But knowing there is a reason is destabilizing on it's own. I would imagine you would hope to be a partnership, not just 2 individuals in the same house.

I don't think dismissive attachment means there are no feelings, just that attachment is not safe. It reminds me of some (pretty cold it seems, frankly) co-workers of mine who just went out to butcher roosters, and filmed it. They said it's hypocritical to eat meat but not be able to do it. I get it but I said I can't hug/ talk to an animal mon, tue and wednesday and then kill and eat it thursday, let alone raise it for months/ years. Maybe if I had starving kids, but not if I alone was starving and none of us there are. (The owner is always saying ~'She loves them!', and what this one or that does , or their personality. I said, 'Hope you never love me (x)!') Maybe I could do it without attachment. And so, it is tempting to return to I will recognize and not react innordinately to something trauma triggered, but also recognize to feel not receiving a reasonable response makes attachment itself feel undesirable. And I would say that includes any example, even family, and unfortunately even tempting about one's spouse. Because people have to invest in each other or their relationship for anything to be of value. Or it can feel superficial as it may with your step daughters. Yet, it is also necessary to meet your own needs. I think a balance. You should not be strangers or adversaries or forget to love. But it will end up a choice- many choices, probably.

JMHO. Good luck finding your own T. 🤗
Yeah it usually goes better if I put my emotional needs out there in a vulnerable way. But he has been so mean lately that I do not feel safe doing that. I also have resentment bc I tried that for a long time, I modeled good communication and intimacy building, direct expression of feelings and needs hoping he'd pick it up and he didn't. I do not want to be the only one putting myself out there, when I already feel rejected so much by his withdrawal and disconnection. You are right that goes down better than being angry because you're scared.

Coming into myself would be helpful for a lot of reasons. I keep circling back to the idea that if the people closest to us do not want to be there for us (and vice versa) then what is the point of having a relationship.

I am feeling very dismissive about all of it right now.

Also, hi Rosebud and thank you for visiting my journal space 🫂

not receiving a reasonable response makes attachment itself feel undesirable.
Not only "undesirable" but also dangerous. It's dangerous to put faith in someone who responds to the idea that the med I had to get could have been fatal with something like "it didn't kill you yet did it?" I understand he was cranky, resentful, half asleep, and stuck in his own perspective, and if it was just that thing ok but it's also the tone he has when he speaks to me. Lack of intimacy. Lack of meaningful conversation. All the stuff you should be able to find in a partnership I can't find with him right now.

I also can see the other side, attachment is undesirable when it's overwhelming, pressuring, and seems to never achieve success. Last night he said part of why he has sounded so awful in his tone of voice is that he feels like it's hopeless that he will ever make me happy. I told him I do not know if I can ever be happy, that seems like a really short-lived state for most people, but I do know I can be content because I have lived parts of my life feeling contented.

But I cannot get there if I do not feel safe. There is only so much I can do to feel safe around chaos and unpredictability without cutting myself out altogether. I did not tell him that last part but that is what is happening. I do not know the middle ground. I do not know how to stay open. My T was trying to help with that today. She suggested a "state of the union" template for he and I to use at regular intervals. The prospect of bringing another worksheet to him, another idea for enrichment, makes me want to punch something.

My T said something in the session today about how I am trying to make space for change while also not giving up on the relationship altogether and I could feel one of my parts disagree with her statement. A big part of me just wants to wash my hands of everything. When she said that I heard a part say "F*%& him!" I do not know how to even begin to want to repair anything. I went through the motions of her suggestion earlier and turned the template into a google form so it would be as easy as possible to use it. A few of my parts were very much against me even making that little bit of effort for the relationship. Just copying and pasting some words into a form. I did it because I trust that my T has my best interest in mind and even if my marriage is dead it would be good for me to practice finding some middle ground in my attachment dynamic.

I am not confident that another meeting or worksheet will help anything. I feel disgusted at the idea of lifting a finger to repair my marriage at all. The talk last night only happened because he came to me. I had decided it wasn't worth the trouble. I do not even know what could help right now, except being able to snap my fingers and jump past the transition to life without him, so that I don't have to live through the adjustment. My trust in him was so flimsy already that I really have nothing there now.

I am most likely keeping the T. My system responds well to her and she is able to help me open up things within myself and catch angles that I cannot see, in spite of a ton of self-analysis.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
@HealingMama , I hope this is ok to add, as something came to me, after being used to AD(H)D and trauma, with myself and around me/ in my family, in spades (both what I've lived and what I've witnessed):

A really great psychologist I knew used to also do marriage counselling and said only one type of couple he couldn't assist: those who wanted someone to 'officially' say it was over.

Curiously, however, many people coming from abuse think there's only 2 choices: leave because of abuse/ fear, or stay and tolerate everything else.

To complicate matters, the human brain doesn't leave alone what is incomplete: stay or go, but choose it says.

And stress or financial strain, +/or no sleep often makes love feel like it flies out the window. It will be a valley and a challenge.

It seems most people 'check out' well before they leave, Which is why for example affairs are less about the other person as already choosing to look for what seems preferable (not inferring you're cheating, one can leave emotionally as well as physically). But of course all relationships will have problems eventually, just different problems.

It does help if the people around you understand, but the truth is some won't, or can't. Also too, in your case that is your H, the loss of you might be frightening to him, so it may feel best for him not to think of, and therefore can be construed (rightfully so, sometimes) as lacking in support. It will be a choice to give the benefit of the doubt, and require vulnerability on your part.

Lastly, anxiety/ fear leaves most everyone feeling alone, unheard and misunderstood. And that's without DID. (And trauma of course, well that is One Big Bag of Tricks. 😭 ).

JMHO, but others are right, I don't think there's a rush, but taking all of the above together, I think it helps to choose to be either all in, to look for the best in your H, or and not let yourself go down the same negative road, or to decide that is not what you want. Both will have pros and cons and take work. But it won't feel like cyclical disappointment, because you'll either be able to be more loving and understanding (hopefully of one another), or you will move on.

Hope that helps, disregard if it doesn't. (I know only for myself I have to choose, with all decisions, to 'sh*t or get off the pot', as they ungracefully say, but for me it is true, though scary. And I'm not big on commitment but sometimes (often) I even get sick of myself, or sick of being sick, or tired of not taking a healthier, more peaceful approach. Using those extra thoughts or focus, to focus on what is happy, what is good, what is going better than it could be, what there is to be thankful for, or to create to look forward to, even if small, instead of focusing on negatives, or re-creating them. )

I hope you can cut yourself, and your H too some slack, sounds like it's been very stressful, and get through this rough time either becoming closer or starting anew. I wish you the very best. 🤗🤗
It is always ok to share in my journal if you see something that you think would be helpful or just to say hi. I appreciate you reaching out. I also appreciate people telling me triggering stuff in my thread yesterday. I do not like being triggered but sometimes I do not realize what an absolute chore I can be til someone points it out. The trick is to hold myself in compassion for the reasons behind it instead of judgment. Everyone is a chore about something I suppose.

You are right all relationships will have problems, all partners will be flawed. I held onto those thoughts for a long time as reasons to keep working on things. I told myself whatever I do not deal with in this relationship that is part of my baggage is just gonna show up in the next one anyway so I might as well get a shovel and some waders and go at it. And I have, and I have hurt him and myself and also helped him and myself and I just want to take a break from all the wondering and the work.

I am tired. I am done working so hard. Maybe he will step up and take over what I was doing. Who knows. I know the last time I was in a relationship where I was the main one keeping it going, when I stopped doing that, I gave it about 3 months and my then-partner had not filled in the space so I broke up with him.

Honestly the way I feel now I am not sure I can stay even if my partner does change. Last night he gave me the type of communication I have pressured him for so many times. He was self-aware, took responsibility for his destructive actions. He also said he will change the settings on the phone as long as I respect the boundary and only use it for a true emergency. He also said I should realize that's why he didn't want to do it. I said that's fair. Because it is. I've been harassing in my efforts to find safety and maybe that isn't supposed to be shameful but we all know that's annoying, rude and in some ways abusive, because it is a boundary violation. (Of course someone coping via avoidance creates distance rather than boundaries but that's a different conversation.)

But here I am, having been fully and completely abandoned by him (because that's how all that original conflict landed for me, full proof that I have no real support or even a partner that cares if I die). And I am still moving. I am not falling apart. Granted, it's partly bc of who is out here with me that I can say that, some parts would be very weepy and broken but they aren't here right now and this part is.

So maybe I can trust myself to make it through if I do truly experience proof that I ultimately have nobody but myself to depend on. Because I feel like I just did.

I really hate that bc I thought healthy attachment is also about mutual dependency, interdependency, and it is clear I cannot expect that here. I cannot learn about interdependency with this person. Yes he said I can have the lifeline but he didn't want me to.

I was all-in for a long time here... I was looking for the best in him. .... it seems the more I demonstrated healthy relationship behavior the worse he has treated me!

I think my stance right now is to just be here, take a break from trying to connect, take a break from trying to make anything happen at all. Now that I have the emotional space to not feel any urgency around anything, it's easy to just wait and see. My parts have shown me that there is a place I can get to, where I no longer have internal conflict about walking away from the relationship. There is a freedom and peace for me in that. I can get out. Maybe I will. But like you are saying and like @Sideways said last night there's no rush.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Wanting to get something down about therapy today. Talked about anger. Tried to connect to what rules we had about anger growing up but it's not very clear. I know that I was a product of operant conditioning. My mother applied those psychological concepts pretty heavily. Her anger was usually withdrawn, silent treatment grudge stuff.

Anger at the therapist for going off my insurance. Struggle to talk about it. I have to be "compliant" with psychological authorities or something.

T asks why is it ok to let out some anger with her but not necessarily ok in general and we talked about how I experience her. It's weird it's like I get so rambling in these sessions, I feel like I'm talking about four things at once, idk if that's a normal parts therapy experience. I think multiple parts come out in the same answer to a question and it's so subtle I can't tell.

Anyway. We started talking about how I am incredibly intuitive. That my background led to hypervigilence which resulted in a very clear, very deep sense of shifts around me. And how she could tell from the very first session that I was like that and very watchful but on a deeper level. I laughed and said yep hypervigilence-borne-empath. And I'm supposed to "elevate" this ability. Like sort of worship it or something.

It's hard to do that when the most important people in my life have been a steady stream of invalidation. And my husband especially has been really unkind and unsupportive about this sensitivity I have, and the larger realities of being this way.

There was a time I honored this part of me better. Years ago on a different forum I had so many people comment on my uncanny ability to read into the deeper space of a situation that I opened up a business as an online psychic. Not like cold reading scammy make you dependent on them stuff. Just intuitive, milder, here's what I'm getting, the ping of information.

Another time I was in a witch group and they looked up to me some bc I had a background in the stuff already and the topic of being intuitive came up and one of my friends requested a reading and the fact of her childhood sexual abuse fell out of my mouth before I could stop and ask myself is this something she wants to be mentioned in front of everybody. It has a certain energy signature that embeds in the system. I doubt I could sense it in everyone but she was open, there was mutual trust, I felt accepted and safe. It's easier to tune in like that.

So anyway. It's there. I used to trust it more. My T wants me to respect it more and honor it. Part of my work will be to notice when my intuition is communicating... And then notice when my parts respond to that with fear, anxiety, control freakery stuff.

It sounds like that will be really hard.

I'm supposed to also work towards being, ah now I can't remember. I have so many weird moments of confusion during my therapy that I don't think happened in other therapy sessions. Idk what that is about. .

So here's to listening to myself and honoring that part of me that feels into life so much and notices the tiniest things. And here's to trusting therapy even though I really don't even have a coherent narrative of what I'm doing in there.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
It's nice to say 'hi!' too @HealingMama ! 🤗

Coming into myself would be helpful for a lot of reasons. I keep circling back to the idea that if the people closest to us do not want to be there for us (and vice versa) then what is the point of having a relationship.
^^ It's certainly understandable you'd feel that way. As a consequence of how you've interpreted his behaviour, which may or may not be how he feels however.
Last night he said part of why he has sounded so awful in his tone of voice is that he feels like it's hopeless that he will ever make me happy.
^^ I can only think, it's time the two of you hopefully can start noticing and saying what you do appreciate about each other. (Very difficult with high stress. )
The talk last night only happened because he came to me. I had decided it wasn't worth the trouble. I do not even know what could help right now,
^^ I am glad he realized that much, and took the initiative.
I am most likely keeping the T. My system responds well to her and she is able to help me open up things within myself and catch angles that I cannot see, in spite of a ton of self-analysis.
^^ This sounds wonderful!
.. needs out there in a vulnerable way. But he has been so mean lately that I do not feel safe doing that. I also have resentment bc I tried that for a long time, I modeled good communication and intimacy building, direct expression of feelings and needs hoping he'd pick it up and he didn't
^ I think I'd spell out specifically what meeting those needs looks like. It might help.
Not only "undesirable" but also dangerous. It's dangerous to put faith in someone who responds to the idea that the med I had to get could have been fatal with something like "it didn't kill you yet did it?" I understand he was cranky, resentful, half asleep, and stuck in his own perspective, and if it was just that thing ok but it's also the tone he has when he speaks to me. Lack of intimacy. Lack of meaningful conversation. All the stuff you should be able to find in a partnership I can't find with him right now.But I cannot get there if I do not feel safe. There is only so much I can do to feel safe around chaos and unpredictability without cutting myself out altogether. I did not tell him that last part but that is what is happening.
^^ I understand. Respect and tenderness is needed. But try (if you want) to not have his words reflect something you fear, or infer, vs what was not meant, especially in ager.
You are right all relationships will have problems, all partners will be flawed. I held onto those thoughts for a long time as reasons to keep working on things. I told myself whatever I do not deal with in this relationship that is part of my baggage is just gonna show up in the next one anyway so I might as well get a shovel and some waders and go at it. And I have, and I have hurt him and myself and also helped him and myself and I just want to take a break from all the wondering and the work.
^^ Yes you have been trying very hard. But not every relationship is so difficult, either, and neither do all partners or family feel the same way. Everyone is flawed.
I really hate that bc I thought healthy attachment is also about mutual dependency, interdependency, and it is clear I cannot expect that here. I cannot learn about interdependency with this person. Yes he said I can have the lifeline but he didn't want me to.
I think the drama needs to be dialed down a bit. NOT saying it's not serious, but saying even just to yourself, or realizing, it's hard in panic to not feel it is life or death. Maybe he was afraid too? Both of it used not in an agreed upon way, but also in an agreed upon way?
I was all-in for a long time here... I was looking for the best in him. .... it seems the more I demonstrated healthy relationship behavior the worse he has treated me!
^^ This is totally unacceptable.
But here I am, having been fully and completely abandoned by him (because that's how all that original conflict landed for me, full proof that I have no real support or even a partner that cares if I die). And I am still moving. I am not falling apart. Granted, it's partly bc of who is out here with me that I can say that, some parts would be very weepy and broken but they aren't here right now and this part is.
Well as bad as it feels, I wouldn't let your mind infer worse.

It sounds that there is much influence of trauma, and many thoughts (not at all unusual for adhd). Perhaps working a little less hard, and more on grounding, self-care, humor, physical contact or affection, and not keeping tally might help?

PS, I have never experienced parts, but I could call parts what I am feeling. So, for example I could say 'I feel resentful', or angry or frightened or alone or what-have-you. Meaning that part of my choice of thoughts and the emotions connected are one thing in the front of my mind. But because I would think, "I am resentful (angry, etc)', I would see it as I am choosing to focus on that. Sometimes the opposite can help, is there one thing I am thankful for, instead, or one reason my anger is misplaced, or one example where I was not left alone? Etc. Because unfortunately, most men (especially) are not very emotionally intelligent (they're not taught and are reinforced it is weak). So if you are, and are intuitive, it can seem very opposite. But similarly, esp with trauma, and again witha adhd, it's easier to be overly bothered or overly-impacted. So a bit of rubbing off on each other might help you both? Gosh, I know some people their SO or family would go party or whatever, let alone even be present. Doesn't exactly equate to attentiveness there either. which I know doesn't make your situation any better. Just meaning it's a spectrum, partially affected by self(ishness), and sometimes we get it right and sometimes we fail. But the trying and any progress should be appreciated, hopefully for both people. But also, it is hurtful not to trust, AND hurtful to feel you are not trusted if trustworthy. Bigger factor to me is, are both people willing to learn something different? And sometimes the answer is no. But, progress is sometimes baby steps too. You are already married so something brought you together. But it sounds like it is a vey tumultuous time. Can you go out on a limb and leave some of the past behind? (You are probably going to feel fearful anyway, so if you choose to try to make it work you have to really be out of your comfort zone. But, it may be a new horizon for you both. If not, you tried something different, and there's not much to lose. Worst thing that can happen is you are pleasantly surprised. 😊 BUt you have to stop your train of thoughts from taking you down roads. Just now- this moment-today. it will take practise and perspective. )

Far as the fear goes, I'd say that's trauma. And that can heal. 🤗
 
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HealingMama

Sponsor
It's nice to say 'hi!' too @HealingMama ! 🤗


^^ It's certainly understandable you'd feel that way. As a consequence of how you've interpreted his behaviour, which may or may not be how he feels however.

^^ I can only think, it's time the two of you hopefully can start noticing and saying what you do appreciate about each other. (Very difficult with high stress. )

^^ I am glad he realized that much, and took the initiative.

^^ This sounds wonderful!

^ I think I'd spell out specifically what meeting those needs looks like. It might help.

^^ I understand. Respect and tenderness is needed. But try (if you want) to not have his words reflect something you fear, or infer, vs what was not meant, especially in ager.

^^ Yes you have been trying very hard. But not every relationship is so difficult, either, and neither do all partners or family feel the same way. Everyone is flawed.

I think the drama needs to be dialed down a bit. NOT saying it's not serious, but saying even just to yourself, or realizing, it's hard in panic to not feel it is life or death. Maybe he was afraid too? Both of it used not in an agreed upon way, but also in an agreed upon way?

^^ This is totally unacceptable.

Well as bad as it feels, I wouldn't let your mind infer worse.

It sounds that there is much influence of trauma, and many thoughts (not at all unusual for adhd). Perhaps working a little less hard, and more on grounding, self-care, humor, physical contact or affection, and not keeping tally might help?

PS, I have never experienced parts, but I could call parts what I am feeling. So, for example I could say 'I feel resentful', or angry or frightened or alone or what-have-you. Meaning that part of my choice of thoughts and the emotions connected are one thing in the front of my mind. But because I would think, "I am resentful (angry, etc)', I would see it as I am choosing to focus on that. Sometimes the opposite can help, is there one thing I am thankful for, instead, or one reason my anger is misplaced, or one example where I was not left alone? Etc. Because unfortunately, most men (especially) are not very emotionally intelligent (they're not taught and are reinforced it is weak). So if you are, and are intuitive, it can seem very opposite. But similarly, esp with trauma, and again witha adhd, it's easier to be overly bothered or overly-impacted. So a bit of rubbing off on each other might help you both? Gosh, I know some people their SO or family would go party or whatever, let alone even be present. Doesn't exactly equate to attentiveness there either. which I know doesn't make your situation any better. Just meaning it's a spectrum, partially affected by self(ishness), and sometimes we get it right and sometimes we fail. But the trying and any progress should be appreciated, hopefully for both people. But also, it is hurtful not to trust, AND hurtful to feel you are not trusted if trustworthy. Bigger factor to me is, are both people willing to learn something different? And sometimes the answer is no. But, progress is sometimes baby steps too. You are already married so something brought you together. But it sounds like it is a vey tumultuous time. Can you go out on a limb and leave some of the past behind? (You are probably going to feel fearful anyway, so if you choose to try to make it work you have to really be out of your comfort zone. But, it may be a new horizon for you both. If not, you tried something different, and there's not much to lose. Worst thing that can happen is you are pleasantly surprised. 😊 BUt you have to stop your train of thoughts from taking you down roads. Just now- this moment-today. it will take practise and perspective. )

Far as the fear goes, I'd say that's trauma. And that can heal. 🤗
Thank you.
I am trying to not work so hard. We had another snag last night unfortunately. I just the day before said he has to take responsibility but then I ask him did he look over the health insurance like he said he needed to and he acts like he doesn't know what I am talking about. We were watching a movie so I said can you set a reminder to look during work tomorrow and he said ok but then didn't do it. If he doesn't do the reminder setting right then it doesn't happen. I had to ask, can you set that reminder right now then? He was all huffy. I really resent that he requires that level of management to be able to address a normal adult situation like it's open season and we need to decide which health insurance to use for each of us.

To me this was immediately working against the "take responsibility for yourself" thing that I impressed upon him the day before. So I was pissed. And he was pissed that I was pissed.

I do not know what to do. It is pretty clear to me that he won't do the things I said I need to stay married to him. I do not think I have 6 months of waiting in me.

I also caught him looking up barely legal porn the other day bc it popped up on the wifi app, some real gray area stuff, not illegal but not great, and said I do not feel like having sex with someone that is looking at 18-20yos sexually bc I am a grown woman not a teenager and don't like the comparisons. And he was ok with that, he agreed that we can get a new router and I can set some filters and stuff, bc he has a history of porn addiction problems... but he has not done anything else on that either.

It's always like this, a thing I ask for gets a commitment but no follow through and he won't or can't track it for himself, and over time the emotions I feel about him not doing what I ask are taking over. I know adhd is not personal... but it has happened so much a thing I said is important to me, I even help him set up the scaffolding to be more successful at follow through... and he still just does not keep it on his radar, and this is part of why I said he has to take responsibility, not just for how he acts in arguments but all of that stuff too...

Pretty sure he won't... or can't... On my other thread people are being pretty hard on me, but it's really hard to live with someone that functions like this without having resentment.

I am trying to just live my life... but I end up obsessing... my mind gets stuck on the problem... it is a trauma response, of course.
I was up so late I had to call out today. I am so sick of the relationship taking over my damn life.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
And as you said @Rosebud I need to experience a lighter life.
I need to get my parts to stop trying to solve this.
I did not think I had parts either, in some sense I also just have feelings but I also have very conflicted ones, in the space of a few minutes, which is not normal.

Yeah the phone thing, he was not afraid, he was angry that I wanted to wake him up. If he was afraid it was not about my wellbeing at all but his own, he wants to be left alone, he wants me to predict his needs so he does not have to say them.

I do not want any drama actually. But it's very painful to see evidence that my needs do not matter, that he forgot what he's committed to doing, that he won't try to set up any structure for himself to improve things... and with the sexual stuff described above we do not even have that which normally helps us digest these types of negative encounters to move on. But I am very turned off at his creepy old man interests... at the same time I wanted him to make some effort to repair that connection and he isn't.

I need to find my life fulfillment, satisfaction and joy elsewhere. My problem is thinking I "should" get these things in my marriage. But I cannot. I need to accept that and find some other place to get my needs met and just leave this to die. Unfortunately usually when I focus outside the marriage he becomes the person I need him to be but as soon as I turn back towards him it falls apart. I really hate that stupid mind game he needs to play.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Things I can do instead of think about my marriage, seek out my partner or obsess over our problems:

Yoga
Read a book
Watch my current streaming show
Play with the dog
Meditate
Create an online account for making new friends
Join an authentic relating club
Journal
Have a parts meeting
Ask my obsessing part what it needs to step back so that others can come forward and they can get a break
Talk more to my friends
Think about the other projects in my life, the yoga training, the book club, the women's center event that I am about to do
Think of ways to nurture my son's needs emotionally, intellectually, over and above what I am already doing

I believe that right now I simply lack the capacity to find enjoyment around him, so I just have to go be with myself for a while. We tried to watch a movie together last night. He asked me to watch with him, normally he likes to talk the whole time, figure out where he knows the actors from etc, I tried to engage him that way to interact in the space he enjoys but then he complained that I talked the whole time. He never actually asked me not to!!! So I tried to give him what he wants based on the info available to me and it was wrong. And I just get hurt every time I am around him. I just do not want to be.

I found out from my dr that actually I could go on our Thanksgiving family trip if I want to. The risk levels are different from what she originally discussed. BUT I do not want to be around my husband like that. It is just going to remind me how shitty things are between us. I hear how he talks to them and how he talks to me and maybe there are reasons for it but it just makes everything harder. So even though I could go I am choosing to stay home bc that will hurt less.
 

HealingMama

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Great. Just as I finally let go of the compulsive obsessing about my marriage, I am rereading my previous entry about intuition and read the CSA bit and boom - here is a part - that wants to show up when I am thinking about CSA - hurting, panicky, I guess this is the one I named Mouth. This part is literally suffocating... I cannot catch my breath.

Maybe I am unconsciously generating chaos in my marriage as a form of avoidance. If the relationship in the present uses up all my emotional energy then I don't have to sit with feelings like THESE.

But let me not confuse the situation. These feelings are in me. They are part of my body's experience, whether it is a memory or a reaction to an idea or whatever it may be. I honor that I am experiencing these feelings and sensations and respect that this is my body and mind trying to help me heal.

I never really know what to do when this happens so...

hi there. I am here. I am trying to listen if there is anything you need to share with me. I am sorry you carry around these feelings and sensations I know it has to be very painful. I appreciate you holding this so the rest of me could have a different job. If you did not have the job of holding this panic, suffocation, trapped feeling, what would you rather do?

play, I like to color too

Not really sure where to go from here so I'm just gonna hang out with you up here with me. Let me know if you need something.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Trying to listen and check in more. It helps. I felt an anxious little come forward when I was checking in and tried to comfort her but it wasn't working so I asked what would help they said a stuffy. I thought about the stuffed animal a previous therapist encouraged me to get but they wanted a smaller one.

So I went online and looked at small stuffed animals til I saw one they wanted. A unicorn. I as me would not choose a unicorn to comfort me. They don't really have the "comforting" vibe to me. But she was all about it!

I started feeling yucky later and realized it was others in there reminding me I hadn't actually bought the stuffed unicorn yet.

Now I am taking a break trying to to do calming and pleasant things. I've been watching the L word and I guess that little part is still close because I felt suddenly like it's a very inappropriate thing to be watching.

Family coming tomorrow. I'll be living in my mask for a few days now that I'm on this immune crashing medicine.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone 😌
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
I had planned to attend a drum circle tonight and a couple hours before I was feeling so weird, woozy, really dizzy. Husband took over all the parenting, cooked dinner, agreed to take care of bedtime. He had already agreed to handle all of that so I could go. I was bummed that I thought I couldn't go. I was so dizzy I was afraid to drive.

I was sitting in the kitchen telling my husband I'm sorry he said there's nothing to be sorry for. I could feel another part coming out and I was afraid all the stress between us lately meant that it would be destructive somehow. Yeah there are supposed to be rules now but I felt like I had a lot less control than usual.

So it was a preemptive apology in case whoever I turned into was unkind or difficult. I told him I think I'm between two me's. I don't feel 100% safe telling him when system stuff is going on but I was worried it would be a problem somehow and wanted him to be prepared.

But then like ten minutes before I had to leave the dizziness subsided and I felt different. like boom here we go! I was so excited and happy and gonna have FUN! I was the happiest I've been in a long time! I need to let her out more often. We all need more of that energy in our life.

Drum circle was fun. She's a little farther back in there now but we had a good time. Connection, community, they do it each full moon and I want to try to go back.

All night I've still felt... Eh, like my pieces are not put together like usual like a few of them are askew. These sensory changes are something else.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Wondering if there is a way to freeze my account. Not forever but like a set period of time so I am not able to come here for a bit even in moments of compulsiveness.

Everyone telling me to leave my husband or he should leave me is overwhelming. I already am doing the best I can and hearing a chorus of you're not good enough isn't exactly helping when I'm already doing what I can. I can't go to sleep because of all the negative self talk, thinking I'm a monster who should never have been born, I should just abandon my family bc I have nothing to offer them but pain. That isn't true but these voices are strong. My husband can't function independently. Leaving my child with him would not be in my child's best interest, for other reasons as well.

The negative self talk increases my insecurity which makes me an annoying partner.
Ok maybe I am a monster. Now what? I am already doing everything I can do what good is it doing to be so mean to myself?

I told my husband that I expect rejection from everyone unless I'm actively welcomed, and I am getting more proof. He would tell me not to spend time in places that make me feel that. Surely there is space for self love and harsh truth in the same place. But until I have better coping I need to take a break.
 
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