Piecing things together

HealingMama

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Been having a discussion with my mother the last few days around her critical behaviors. I was shocked at how receptive she was being. Today it crashed and burned a bit. She made my explanation about her. She made me caretake her feelings about my experience of my own childhood.

She can't help it but still. I was getting excited that maybe we could have more of a relationship.

She's so upset with us (adult children) because as she sees it, she sacrificed for us and therefore is entitled to our attention and emotional care now. She doesn't understand that while she did support my material and educational needs, my emotional needs didn't have space.

I had to take care of her emotionally when I was a child. I don't have much bandwidth to do it now, because I did it most of my life. She keeps lashing out at my sister and myself for only giving her what we each feel like we can give.
 

HealingMama

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Have not posted in a bit. Things are going okay I guess. Yesterday had some minor issue with my husband. He was kind of awful to me. Today I was trying to talk about that more with him and was emotionally "stuck" then he went to get our kid from daycare and returned to a totally different me. I guess I switched. I tried to decide should I tell him or not... and I decided to explain, because the behavior and emotional tone of this me is so drastically different from the other me. And he's like "I know, but thanks for telling me."

And I know I should not play favorites but life would be much easier if I could just be this me all the time, this one is so cheerful and pleasant to be around, this one is competent, not overly anxious.

I know that there is a positive purpose to all of them, but I wish I could at least protect my marriage from all the ones that are so insistent on doing things in a way that does not work very well with our partner. I just want to be effective and get our needs met and some of these me's have strategies that don't feel very helpful to the system as a whole and I do not know how to help them change. I guess that's what therapy is for.

I watched an ICAD Youtube today on communication with parts and the advice was the same stuff my T is already doing, help us understand if the part could give up the role they have in keeping us safe and protected what would they want to do and be, and then listen to that. But I was also instructed not to attempt communication with my parts outside of therapy, I guess it tends not to go well and one time I was very judgmental of the part and basically saying it should not exist and i understand that is not helpful and I am sorry to you that I said that about, when you were just trying to give me as host the break I said I wanted.
 
Trying to work on more body awareness and awareness of when my perception or stage changes.

Tonight I was reading a bit about structural dissociation of the personality and for some reason was able to have a felt sense of grief.

I think the parts that hold my pain realize I'm trying to not be so avoidant about it.

Grief really hurts.

Also my experience of my husband is all over the place as usual. Is he safe or unsafe. I don't know. I do know he really hurt me today. He belittled my attachment issues. I told him leaving conflicts unresolved before we go to bed messes up my attachment and he says putting his socks on the wrong way messes up my attachment and "don't give [him] that shit." Such a crappy thing to say.

It's not the first time. Sometimes when we are disagreeing I'm able to link my behavior to the triggering of my father's death and he acts like I'm trying to manipulate him.

He wants to make me think he supports me but then he kicks me when I'm down. And then wants to pretend nothing happened.

Anyway. Back to the grief. Grief is so heavy. It makes me want to just sleep. I am proud of myself for being in my body better. I am used to floating a bit outside of my body.

I joined this forum in 2017 and have been absent for a long time. Avoidance sets in and I stop trying to do my work. Hope I can keep going this time.
I believe in you.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
So this new part coming forward (or old part that's been hidden idk) has this "queen mother" energy. I feel strong, empowered, regal. I feel safe internally. I feel well-nourished instead of hungry emotionally. Tonight I decided to change my phone ringtone to a Queen song, and then realized it's probably related to this part situation ;blank; She showed up for me (again) after I had another unfortunate triggering experience with my partner. I basically gave up.

And then there she was comforting me, letting me know I can be safe in myself and don't need to cling to anybody.

Today in therapy my t was asking how my parts are feeling about my son's birthday party this weekend and my social anxiety/my fear of being judged... and I laughed because I heard a part inside say "f*ck them!" I need more "f8ck them!" energy in my life... That is what I am enjoying about this Queen Mother energy, it's like, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I'm me, I'm strong, I don't need them anyway. It's not reactionary, like punishing kind of "f them" energy, more like just, they do not matter if they are going to hate, because my own internal approval matters more.

Killer Queen (live)

OMG Freddie Mercury and David Bowie 🤩🤩🤩

Because love's such an old-fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the (People on streets) edge of the night
And love (People on streets) dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Lyrics source

I am reading about the Queen archetype (source) because in some sense this part feels akin to that. Came across this bit about the difference between the Princess and the Queen:

The Princess archetype acts sweet and innocent. She patiently waits for the Prince Charming, and she also expects others to do things for her. She has yet to learn to work with her inner power. She foolishly waits for someone or something to save her. Her potential is dormant until it’s awakened by a life crisis or tough, challenging time. Only then she has the opportunity to transform into the queen. But would she?

Whereas the queen is wise because she has learned from her own mistakes and has faced her inner demons. She has looked deep within herself and, as a result, she has become stronger. Her power doesn’t come from her credentials, unlike the princess, her power is based on knowledge of her heart and mind. She has mastered the art of aligning her burning desires with her acts and clarity.

The strong and wise queen is one of the most potent archetypes because there is nothing that can stop her.
 
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