Piecing things together

[Widow_of_one]

Trying to work on more body awareness and awareness of when my perception or stage changes.

Tonight I was reading a bit about structural dissociation of the personality and for some reason was able to have a felt sense of grief.

I think the parts that hold my pain realize I'm trying to not be so avoidant about it.

Grief really hurts.

Also my experience of my husband is all over the place as usual. Is he safe or unsafe. I don't know. I do know he really hurt me today. He belittled my attachment issues. I told him leaving conflicts unresolved before we go to bed messes up my attachment and he says putting his socks on the wrong way messes up my attachment and "don't give [him] that shit." Such a crappy thing to say.

It's not the first time. Sometimes when we are disagreeing I'm able to link my behavior to the triggering of my father's death and he acts like I'm trying to manipulate him.

He wants to make me think he supports me but then he kicks me when I'm down. And then wants to pretend nothing happened.

Anyway. Back to the grief. Grief is so heavy. It makes me want to just sleep. I am proud of myself for being in my body better. I am used to floating a bit outside of my body.

I joined this forum in 2017 and have been absent for a long time. Avoidance sets in and I stop trying to do my work. Hope I can keep going this time.

Do whatever you can do to “keep it going”. I find that I just shut down too!

 

[HealingMama]

That seems like a good idea!

Yeah I will have to talk to my T about that. There's people in the field like Jamie Marich who are open about their own MH struggles but they are few and far between. My parts have never let me mess up interacting with a client thankfully. But we let some administrative stuff sit undone a bit too long. Not the end of the world but worth a conversation.

 

[HealingMama]

Do whatever you can do to “keep it going”. I find that I just shut down too!

Thank you - yes it's hard to stay turning toward this stuff consistently for sure!

 

[Widow_of_one]

Thank you - yes it's hard to stay turning toward this stuff consistently for sure!

Yes it is very hard especially when I have a patient who is so demanding I miss a lot of stuff bc I can’t focus on what is going on inside of my head. I want to get a quiet case so I can go back to “tuning into what my alters are trying to tell me”…

 

[coraxxx]

Like, how crazy am I, that talking to myself is actually making me function better? WTH.

I know, innit? But, that said, even without parts… I remember reading in Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder that they do actually recommend positive self-talk to go through the whole borderline whirlpool and tranquilize yourself. I was like, what?!, wot?? no idea of parts or whatever at that time, but no way I’m gonna say yaaaay Corax, you diiid iiit! But I did, and I was surprised it was quite lovely. That book certainly didn’t assume that every reader would be a system. But so, even in the case of being just normal… talking to ourselves, or parts, it has its impact. I wouldn’t say it’s the craziest thing far from that.

At the end of the day there are many things we do in therapy that might seem crazy but it’s actually far healthier than coping mechanisms our society finds acceptable.

Hello to Attic!

 

[HealingMama]

I know, innit? But, that said, even without parts… I remember reading in Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder that they do actually recommend positive self-talk to go through the whole borderline whirlpool and tranquilize yourself. I was like, what?!, wot?? no idea of parts or whatever at that time, but no way I’m gonna say yaaaay Corax, you diiid iiit! But I did, and I was surprised it was quite lovely. That book certainly didn’t assume that every reader would be a system. But so, even in the case of being just normal… talking to ourselves, or parts, it has its impact. I wouldn’t say it’s the craziest thing far from that.

At the end of the day there are many things we do in therapy that might seem crazy but it’s actually far healthier than coping mechanisms our society finds acceptable.

Hello to Attic!

Thank you! You are right - positive self-talk, self-compassion statements, etc has a place and definitely seems more "normal" or "typical." It does feel good to say kind things about ourselves, if we have the capacity to receive them at all.

I appreciate your reassurance. I often think "this is crazy" or "I'm making this up" or whatever, but I am more stable than I've been in years now that I am trying to have these conversations with the people in my head. If it makes me ultimately function better, feel better, feel MORE sane, than it doesn't matter at the end of the day if it seems "crazy". I definitely agree with you that this is healthier than many of the more socially acceptable alternatives!

Thank you for saying hello to Attic!

 

[HealingMama]

I have to go to the office today.
I had a little part close to the front who was super anxious about it. I made her a comforting room where she can close the door and not have to participate. Seems to have worked.

I'm not sure that's the right call in the long run, to help my mind compartmentalize more or maintain it, but I'm but sure what one is ultimately supposed to do in a situation like that.

 

[HealingMama]

Son sent home with lice.

My in-office thing went ok. There were a ton of technology problems.

Husband had to get son from daycare as I was leading a big event and nobody could fill in for me. Rushed home to parent so he could go back to work.

Trauma trigger issues from a clear cut single incident event, called him on my way home and he didn't answer. This is a long standing issue between us. Him not answering and then not being reachable without advance warning is very triggering for me and he tends to get a little mean about it.

In the end we came to a compromise without hurting our marriage unnecessarily so that's something. In the past this type of thing would explode badly on both sides. We resolved it by phone as he was driving back to work. I cried a couple of times. Both times my son came to the room and said mom are you sad and I said yes, I'm sad, but I'm ok, and he gave me a hug. What a sweet child.

I will probably not have space for parts work dealing with lice issues and solo parenting today. Sorry fam.

 

[HealingMama]

Beautiful day here. Planning to take our tandem kayak out for the first time. Here's hoping our son doesn't complain the whole time.

 

[HealingMama]

Kayaking was fun, eventually. That was my first time on an inflatable. It's hard to feel comfortable (safe) someone else rowing when you're a control freak.

My husband took our son to the playground and told me I could kayak more on my own. Kind of him to offer that. I find it much easier to be well regulated when I'm off by myself. I guess that's true for everyone, or at least other introverts.

I feel like a bad mom for preferring to be away from my son to feel at peace. I feel like I am missing some motherly gene that allows a person to feel comfortable and at peace while in the swirl of parenting. Of course that isn't realistic. That's why there's mom wine and mom anxiety and moms yelling at their families all the time.

My brain just forces me to pay attention to him. My husband can listen to a podcast or something while solo parenting but I try and just get broken bc I can't field his communication without losing attention on the other thing so I just get frustrated.

Anyway. Kayaking was nice. I am teaching a class on designing a yoga practice to relieve stress so I guess I have some homework.

 

[HealingMama]

Edited.

My yoga training is offering some concepts related to sacred relationship that I'm finding very triggering but it's late here. Will have to discuss tomorrow.

 

[HealingMama]

My yoga course is talking about the idea of loving everyone. Seeing God in everyone. Having a love affair with your entire life. Not that "one person" (if monogamous). She's also talking about how we aren't special. None of us are special. This is adapted from Ram Dass I believe.

Whew I am so damn triggered. I was too special while living with my narcissistic mother. But I was also special for the wrong reasons. None really about who I am inside. Just what she wanted me to be.

I love love. I love relationship. In the enneagram there's also the "instinctual variant" which can be so, sp or sx. So is social variant. People that find their strength in group dynamics (can be introverted or extroverted). They like to belong in groups around their interests and activities.

Then there's the sp, self preservation instinct. They focus on survival and taking care of their own needs. These are the preppers, the gun enthusiasts, the people taking martial arts more for self defense than the spiritual/energy/discipline building aspects.

Finally, there's the sx, sexual variant. They grow and find their strength through a romantic relationship that involves sexual union. I am sx/sp. I love love and love deep diving into a single relationship, not necessarily romantic but I prefer fewer deeper connections.

In my training it sounds like I shouldn't value my immediate family connection over my connection with everyone. I do not really know how to modify my perspective to work that way.

Also the notion that none are special, I get that in theory. But in practice it's heartbreaking. What's the point of having a relationship with anyone if we aren't supposed to afford that relationship a specialness, and a special love?

The part in my system that is super attached to my husband, who is often followed by Sam, is very distressed by this!