Piecing things together

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah, I get how it can make you feel left over. Unindividualized. Like a single blob in a world of blobs. I don’t have answers for this, I struggle with this myself. I guess that for us who experience depersonalization or derealization involuntarily, it has a f*ckyeah stronger meaning than for people who don’t. Some would see it like an ocean of love, for us is that kind of flatness or feeling alone in a giant world and not knowing where we begin and where the world ends.

I think it’s good to remember it to feel more trusting towards the world in general, but still knowing that at the end of the day we still are human beings who need attachment and connection and that doesn’t happen randomly with just anybody. It can happen a lot if we’re open to it, so in that sense the global love if I can call that like that makes sense, but it I wouldn’t use it as a way to make things and people undifferentiated.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Yeah, I get how it can make you feel left over. Unindividualized. Like a single blob in a world of blobs. I don’t have answers for this, I struggle with this myself. I guess that for us who experience depersonalization or derealization involuntarily, it has a f*ckyeah stronger meaning than for people who don’t. Some would see it like an ocean of love, for us is that kind of flatness or feeling alone in a giant world and not knowing where we begin and where the world ends.

I think it’s good to remember it to feel more trusting towards the world in general, but still knowing that at the end of the day we still are human beings who need attachment and connection and that doesn’t happen randomly with just anybody. It can happen a lot if we’re open to it, so in that sense the global love if I can call that like that makes sense, but it I wouldn’t use it as a way to make things and people undifferentiated.
I see what you mean. I also have to guard against spiritual bypassing, and I think *some* of that information is meant for a fully functioning ego. "You have to be somebody before you can be nobody" also comes to mind. I am still trying to achieve normal ego development in some areas, so it makes sense that this mindset would not feel entirely right. I choose to trust that, while I also embrace this sort of general "agape" or ocean of love - and really when I am in the yoga zone I feel that, too. I do. I just have too much unfinished business around attachment to also say the attachment doesn't matter - because doing that would be spiritual bypassing.

It takes a lot of discipline to resist the urge to use spiritual bypassing.

I did my yoga school assignment today, leading the mini-class on stress. It went well, people had generally great feedback. A meditation came to me at the end of the class, that I had not planned, but I went with it and everyone really liked it. It was about finding intentional gratitude towards something in our present day life that we are resisting. I am not sure I'd do that in a trauma sensitive class though. Yeah you can find something to appreciate when dealing with trauma but that's also really close to toxic positivity. I'd probably want to add something trauma specific. I know people who spin their trauma into a resource of some kind, but not everyone wants to do that, or can, and I would want to respect that. I would probably just add a bit about how if you have experienced any true trauma then we would not expect you to find appreciation in that - except maybe appreciating the person you are who survived and is growing and healing now.

If only I could get my pseudo enlightened yogi self to blend with the parts of me that carry so much overwhelming pain... it's hard to find a way to be both at once.

I also really wish I could get whoever in here is addicted to retail therapy to listen to the yoga philosophy about not grasping for things. I really do need to ask my T what do I do about the part that wants to shop so much to deal with their severe depression.
 
Last edited:

HealingMama

Sponsor
Therapy was hard today. Told her how I felt myself click back into place after therapy last week. Didn't talk about diagnosis. Probably should.

We did have a frank discussion re my fears about her knowing what I do for a living and then also sharing about symptoms showing up at my job. My T said if everyone had the same standards that I hold myself to, nobody would be employed.

I have a part that apparently feels like I want to kill them off bc they are trying to help me relax some and not have such ridiculously high standards of myself. They came out and did their thing and I have been very upset about what amounted to pretty minor changes from what I usually do.

Apparently I would not let that part have a voice in session today even though they had reasonable points to make. Pretty impressed with my T for being able to pick up on that. I'm basically acting like an overbearing parent refusing to give them speaking time. I feel badly about that but it's totally coming from fear.

I am supposed to reframe the judgment and shame thoughts as fear. It's hard to relax and goof off at work knowing my family is relying on me to keep us materially taken care of. But, she is right, the things that this part did while out are not so bad. They are showing me that I don't have to work so hard and stress myself out. That's a good thing. They are showing me I can say FU to everyone else and do what I need to do for myself sometimes.

I'm supposed to think more about the value of having a part that's a bit like AOC, she called them a f*** you part.

It would be nice to hold space for myself better, not be mired in obligations, and be able to hold to the boundaries I set instead of saying them and then not being able to hold to them.

I am also supposed to work on feeling safe and taking care of my health and wellbeing.

It's so hard to know what's making things up and what isn't. It's not like I was totally blacked out for a few days. I just realized I wasn't my regular me when I came fully back into my body. When I realized I was back I asked my husband if I had seemed different the last few days and he said yes. It's not like I couldn't remember anything. It just felt, uh, not like a direct experience exactly.

Obsessing over the minutia of identity alteration is not part of my homework so I'll try to put that down.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
I have a tendency to watch things I've seen before. I find it comforting. I just started watching the cheesy sci-fi show Eureka for maybe the sixth time? The cheesiness especially I find soothing when life feels out of control. I know what to expect, and I know there's no jump scares or overly complicated plot lines to follow.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
I decided to try Delta 8. Sounded like a good anti anxiety option. I was not expecting a properly hallucinogenic experience. 😱 Good thing I've had those experiences before. My trip didn't start out amazing since I wasn't planning on having one. Turned out to be quite therapeutic though. I was reading Feuerstein's Deeper Dimension of Yoga before my ego went away altogether. It was pretty, ah, far out.

I came back and realize how petty a lot of my concerns are. How dumb it is to be anxious when nothing can really "happen to me" and that by surrendering I can just see life unfold and bloom and don't have to push so hard for everything.

I also had a beautiful experience of, basically, symbolic representation of the choice between love and fear. Fear is entrapment. Love is truth.

My goal is to see how I can sustain the jewels of wisdom I gathered on this unexpected journey to higher consciousness.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Not maintaining my higher mind very well. Today I am very triggered feeling not good enough. I feel very lonely and emotionally hungry. It's such a big, big feeling. I have been reading about how to detach emotionally. It hurts too much to remain emotionally open in situations where it isn't reciprocated.

Entire night was ruined. No details bc I am embarrassed to talk about it. I have a compulsive behavior that is embarrassing.

Feeling unheard, invisible, unwanted. Even when I remain conscious that much of this isn't about me it still hurts. And the parts that are about me? I sit there and confront the shame I feel for things my body did that I didn't want to do, over and over.

i didn't feel unwanted in childhood but I did feel unheard to some extent. I feel like the bigness of my feelings right now isn't about old trauma so much as old trauma with him. I have told him many times that I feel neglected. We have had more than one conversation since the beginning of September about this, about me feeling ignored. First one he said sorry for being so self absorbed. Then goes right back into doing it.

I Think part of what makes this so damn painful is that I finally fought through my protector stuff so I can actually receive the care, the love, I can remain strong and centered instead of seeing the attachment as dangerous. And now that I can hold space for that, it doesn't come. I worked so hard to fix it, for nothing.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
I am avoiding my husband today. i was up until 5:30am stressing over the reality that my emotional needs will not be met. And now, learning to accept that my sexual needs will not be met either. He would rather play on his phone than seek intimacy with me, in any sense of the word. And yes some of that is my fault probably but that doesn't make it less painful.

He says he learned that it was dangerous to try to get close to me, so he doesn't try. But I changed that stuff a long time ago. Now we are in a cycle where I am the ideal partner for a few days, then get triggered by the neglectful experience I'm having and try to discuss it to fix it, and of course he becomes less interested in turning towards me bc I am upset with him. But he doesn't do it when stuff goes well either. He's just not here with me ever. He's checked out, and the space between us is dead.

During our son's quiet time I had to get his help with something, and asked for it apologetically. He said he wants to help with things and asked if I want to watch our show. I said ok but then came back and said I shouldn't, because I'll probably just cry the whole time.

We can't have that now can we. Wife and her dumb emotions, unrealistic expectations. The more hurt I show, the less I receive what I need. I think that is really f*cked up.

I'm not really sure why this issue is affecting me so strongly. I guess I'm feeling hopeless that it will change.

I am trying to find my peace with the fact that I may always be this lonely. Which means I have to grieve the loss of the relationship I thought I could create if I just worked hard enough. I thought that if I did what he wanted, he would do what I wanted also, eventually. Maybe that is still true but at the pace he's taking I will have to shut down my heart to protect myself from all this rejection and unworthiness.

I can't make others do anything. I can't put in deposits and get deposits back.


I also need to figure out how to find my dignity. I've showed up with openness and vulnerability but it's not working. I need pride and distance.
I'm tired of begging to feel heard, to feel wanted. I'm tired of feeling ugly. I'm tired of begging for compliments. He tells the couples therapist he knows I need those things and should do better, but then he doesn't.

This is who he is. I accept him as he is, knowing my important emotional needs will never be met, or I keep pushing and hoping and suffering, or I leave. Those are the only options.
 

Sideways

Moderator
I worked so hard to fix it, for nothing.
Ease up on yourself, yeah? This is still fairly new ground. Like most skills we have to learn as part of our recovery process, it takes time.

Part of adapting to, and using this new skill successfully, is going to be situations just like this. "It isn't working for me right now". Why didn't it work? Exhaustion (give yourself a pass), expectations to high too quickly (give yourself a pass, and lower your expectations for a while), or a whole host of other possible reasons which you can learn from.

Times when coping skills don't work are really useful for helping us adapt those skills to our lives.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Ease up on yourself, yeah? This is still fairly new ground. Like most skills we have to learn as part of our recovery process, it takes time.

Part of adapting to, and using this new skill successfully, is going to be situations just like this. "It isn't working for me right now". Why didn't it work? Exhaustion (give yourself a pass), expectations to high too quickly (give yourself a pass, and lower your expectations for a while), or a whole host of other possible reasons which you can learn from.

Times when coping skills don't work are really useful for helping us adapt those skills to our lives.
Thanks. I am trying to be gentle with myself. It's frustrating to see that I worked so hard to make space for a healthier relationship and I'm not experiencing it, despite doing everything I can think of to make one possible.

I'm trying to kill my feelings towards him some. If I can accept that my needs will never be met then I'll have the energy to pursue other sources of tangentially related needs. And he will only appreciate that there is less pressure on him to pretend something that he doesn't actually feel.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Something in the air. My yoga training just started the topic of sacred relationship, dealing with family karma, etc. Now I have this overpowering pain about my marriage. Meanwhile, my mother is telling me she's about to cut out my sister from her life.

I originally had a bunch of minutia here about what's happening with my marriage but ultimately it doesn't matter. I am not getting my needs met. It takes him so long to digest what I'm asking for that he's usually double injured me by the time he figures it out. I don't want to let him hurt me like this anymore. I want him out of my heart. Attachment sucks.
 
Last edited:

HealingMama

Sponsor
Shame attacks today.
Boss tells me I'm being way too hard on myself.
The critical voices are really overwhelming today.

Edit. Last night my husband told me he is "always acting" in our relationship. My emotions shifted from sadness and shame to grief. What the hell do you do with that? Why be with someone if you're always acting? He changed what he said later, so I do not know what the truth is. He says he is "always anxious" around me.

That probably has something to do with these shame attacks. I feel like I cannot do anything right, in any area of my life.
 
Last edited:

HealingMama

Sponsor
Random positive post.

I just noticed my post in another forum was deleted, probably moderator action, I suspect the person who was asking for info reported my post. I'm talking about it here because I am not triggered by this! I am used to getting so, so triggered by moderator action of any kind. This is great news!
 
Top