Planned isolation

[Hojay]

My guy and I (together 3 years and some) just decided to go on a planned isolation. We spent the last week giving each other some space, and after speaking on Sunday, he expressed that he would like more time. Now we're planning on speaking in two weeks. We have been on a few planned isolations before, but that was usually when he was highly symptomatic and he couldn't cope, let alone speak. It took a few days, but we always came out of it. This feels different. He doesn't seem particularly symptomatic (though emotional, for sure.)

His reasons for going into isolation are that he says he hasn't had the time and the space to thoroughly absorb, feel, and deal with the stuff that has come up for him over the last 3 years (cPTSD from CSA.) Though our relationship has been a great source of support, it's also been a distraction. Things haven't always been smooth and over the last few weeks (or months) we've been fighting quite a lot. That, of course, has added extra stress to his cup and distracted him from truly dealing. He says he feels purely reactive at this point, like he can't hear himself. He says he hasn't had the mental space to slot in how everything that's happened pertains to him, as a person, and what it means for him. He's truly lost himself, he says.

He says he wants to be the man I see in him, but that he needs to decide for himself that he is all that. He wants to come to his own conclusions and decide what man he truly is. I get all that. I support it. And yet...I'm strangely heartbroken. Everything feels up in the air now, and part of me has a feeling that in 2 weeks he will tell me he truly needs to be on his own. No more isolation, truly done.

Nothing in what he said suggested that he will leave (though things would change for sure.) But nothing suggested he won't. Or rather, I'm having a hard time trusting his reassurances ("I love you," "things will be alright," "you won't leave my thoughts for a minute") as everything in me is telling me that he's had enough and he now knows he can't be in a relationship. With me, or with anyone? I don't know.

Something about all this makes me feel torn up with guilt. I feel inadequate, like I've let him down. I feel I could have been more supportive, less reactive; that I could have given him more space throughout. I could have made it so that he felt good and safe enough to deal with his stuff while staying close. Then I realize I couldn't have done more. It's been his responsibility too to create the space for himself to deal, while our problems were decidedly not only my doing. And also, some things need to be dealt with on one's own and in isolation. I get the feeling.

Then why does this hurt so much? I think I may have some of my own cognitive distortions around what's happening here.

I don't know where I'm going with this. At least this isolation is planned and defined. I can't even imagine what those of you with ghosting isolators must be going through. I think this is my first "true" isolation, and man does it suck. I can't even tell myself "it's not about me." Though it's largely not about me, it's also about me, and it's pretty hard to sit in that feeling right now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's hard... but worrying about what may happen for two weeks is going to make it impossible to cope with an isolation period. You'll be sitting around waiting for the hammer to drop, so to speak. You're going to spend two weeks fretting, and then be a ball of nerves when you speak again... which will feed the PTSD.

In order for the isolation periods to really work in a relationship, you're going to have to be comfortable with them too. Easier said than done, eh? It's easier to logically see that than to feel it emotionally.

Honestly, the way I learned to deal with isolation at first was to distract myself. I had to remind myself repeatedly that it wasn't a break up, and that giving him time was a loving act. Then I kept really busy. I use isolation periods to do things I enjoy... especially the things he hates to do. Loud, crowded or girly things. I make it almost a treat for myself and indulge in me-time.

It's sucky. I miss him and worry about him, but I learned how to make it comfortable for myself too.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you @Sweetpea76, I needed that reminder. I've also learned to deal with isolations by just not taking it personally and focusing on other, more enjoyable things. But this round feels a little different. It's almost a re-evaluation period, rather than an isolation. I'm not even sure if the term isolation applies, to be honest. He has a clear goal in mind, things to figure out for himself, etc. He's not symptomatic in that sense. I mean, the whole things is planned and clearly communicated. Does that still qualify as isolation? Maybe I'm just used to a blow up, followed by a few days of quiet (though never 0 contact,) which has been the extent of the isolation I've experienced in this relationship. So this relative calm (and planned 0 contact) makes me quite nervous (thought it's certainly healthier.)

It's clearly also about us and whether or not we will continue. A lot has happened, words, fights, anger, makeups, promises, fights. I think we're both exhausted and at our wits end. So I think some space is good and I definitely have to re-evaluate a few things myself. I'd like to see it as a re-set, though. I'm just afraid he will be moved to make this permanent.

Then again, perhaps it really isn't so much about me and us as I think. He sure has a lot to digest for himself. You can see, I'm all in all a little confused.

Right now I'm having a hard time distinguishing facts (he said "things will be ok," that he's fairly certain he's the man I see him as) from fears (he'll bail, find a reason to leave, will be too scared to continue, etc.) He said he still considered himself in a relationship, but didn't straight up say "I will stick this through with you," which was the tenor of the last 3 years. So that's got me nervous too.

I know, there's nothing that can be said to take that uncertainty from me. But at least you all understand the murkiness of these situations.

 

[NaeNae75]

I wanted to check in and see how you're doing. You're in my thoughts this morning.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you for checking in @NaeNae75. Unfortunately, this story did not have a happy ending. He ended it after this “isolation.” That’s that. The end.

I’ve been going back and forth on writing something of a debrief post on here. The last few weeks have been a very harsh reality check, and I feel like I may have a few things to share with others who are in the same position as I was. I will soon. It’s just been a lot to digest. Not just the breakup, but the last 3 years, most of which, I realize now, I spent in a fog of rationalization and denial. I’ve been following your recent posts in that other thread, as well. So much of what you’re writing makes sense to me, now more than ever. Hugs if you accept.

 

[NaeNae75]

I will gladly accept the hugs! I'm sorry to hear this, because I'm sure it's very difficult for you right now. It can be quite painful. But we understand where you are coming from, and know that the end of your relationship doesn't invalidate your struggle in any way. You were in completely, and we see you.

I know for me, we've been doing this for 8.5 years...and I'm not sure where we're going, but so far it's been slowly improving. But I'm taking the furthest step back that I ever have. I've decided to deal with myself, him, and our family with love. I've decided I'm not going to be hurt by anything he says to me, although to this point, it's all been fairly kind and complimentary. I'm not going to own his pain.

That's what I used to do...own his pain. I thought so little of myself (because of my own PTSD) that it just made sense to me that his pain was my fault. It's been a wild ride to realize it has very little to do with me. In fact, the healthier I keep becoming, the harder it is for him, I think. I think he liked that I was damaged too. It gave him hope somehow. But, as of now, he's finally taking the bull by the horn and getting his own treatment. He's starting EMDR because of how well it worked for me. So, I need to step back and let him do it.

I don't know where you are with things for you. Whether you're going to wait and see if he comes out of his funk, or if you want it to be ended to. But whatever you choose to do for yourself, is the right answer. No one else has the right to tell you how to feel or what your limits are. No one but you. I know I've always chosen to do my own thing until he came back...and he always did. But I know a LOT of people that doesn't work for. PFFFT, a lot of the time it doesn't even work for me!

I know that for @Sighs , her leaving was super healthy and the right choice for her. For @Sweetpea76 , she's still in the proverbial trenches because that's the right choice for me. For me....well, I'm in a self-induced limbo. I know all of the right "moves" to "make" him come around....but I'm not going to do that, because it has done nothing but lead us to resenting each other. So for me...I'm just going to love him, broken and at his own house. I'm letting him tell me "no thank you, not today" over and over and enjoying it as practice. Practice for him to say no, and for me to accept it.

I know that I'm busy growing. I also know that you can't grow without some level of discomfort. So I'm even choosing to see the discomfort as growing pains.

I hope you are going to be gentle with yourself. I hope that you can be generous and kind with the beautiful considerate person that you are. I hope that when it comes to grieving, you allow yourself to experience it as genuine, real, and know the pain is necessary for you to know to move forward from it. Like burning your hand on the stove as a child.

I pray that you're open to new and meaningful relationships, romantic or otherwise. I hope that you become open to accept the abundance the world is going to offer you, because you are a beautiful deserving human being full of love! You don't have to be a stranger because you're moving on. Stay as long as you need to get through what you need. Be here for you now, not him. Then when you don't need "us" anymore, don't feel guilty to move forward. Much love and support!