General Please Help ASAP- Iraqi War Vet- Trying to End Positive Relationship

[mandyuno]

Hello Everyone.

I have never posted anything on a message board before but I am starting to feel that I have nowhere else to turn.
My Story:
My boyfriend and I have known eachother since high school. He asked me out then but I was "way too cool." Still, after we graduated he kept in contact with me, calling or emailing me every few months. A lot of the time I ignored his calls, but started accepting them last year. I guess I just kind of felt like there was a reason he was insistant on being a part of my life. He was still in Iraq at that point and I would just sit and talk to him for a while some nights over the phone. When he got back from Iraq a month or so later he showed up at my apartment. (I had told him that I lived in a specific part of the city.) I really felt sorry for him because he told me he had been drinking at the bar.... this was 11 AM. Anyway, I talked to him for a few minutes and told him I would not be able to go to lunch with him because I was seeing some one and that I didn't feel right about it. A few weeks later we started hanging out (I broke up with the guy I had been seeing.) We were friends for a while. He drank a lot but as our friendship progressed the drinking seemed to diminish. Eventually we started dating. It was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. He was stationed in North Carolina, but we saw eachother a great deal, almost every weekend. I also spent several weeks down there on a few occasions. We were inseperable and never really argued at all. When he came home he was so excited. We even had a parade. He moved in with me immediately and we were so excited for "forever" to start. This was 3 months ago. This past Sunday we had dinner with his family (normal.) I made him a bagel before work on monday and he never came home from work. I pleaded with him to tell me why and he just kept saying I want to be by myself I don't want to be in a relationship... I am unhappy. This is simply not true. we had one of the healthiest, happiest, and most respectful relationships I have ever seen. The next day he came and moved all of his things out of our home. I begged him to wait and think about things and tried to tell him he wasn't thinking clearly. He yelled at me... for the first time ever. No one in our lives understands why this is happening. His family, friends, and mine are simply shocked. I know it must be PTSD. This is not him. He called me to apologize for yelling and we got together and talked for a while. He is not admitting a mistake but is waffling in his decision. I love him so much and I know that what we have is a once-in-a-lifetime occurance. He admits that he was happy now and that we were perfect for eachother. But nothing else.... I saw a therapist and he told me to wait until my bf communicates with me... he did so now what? I am supposed to see him tonight but god knows if I will and if I do, god knows what he will say....PLEASE HELP ME.

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Mandy and welcome to the forum.

While I would like to offer advice, I am not sure whether I should comment as there could be a myriad of reasons as to why your boyfriend may have left. It seems went from nothing to a full on relationship very quickly. Perhaps he got scared?

I think you need to find out what the issue is before you can do anything. Has your boyfriend been diagnosed with PTSD? Obviously from your post he has a drinking problem but you don't mention anything else.

 

[mandyuno]

I do not nessacarily agree that our relationship went from "nothing" to a full on relationship very quickly. We were friends first for years and began our relationship apart from eachother when he was in NC. It may sound clique but we honestly fell in love on the phone and began a relationship at a normal pace. After about 8 months he moved in, when he had completed his 4 years of service. I may have been unclear last nite as I am rereading what I wrote. I was in a bad state and a bit too emotional to convey things clearly.
He does not drink anymore. When he returned from his first tour in Iraq he drank a lot. He needed it to function through the day. That was 3 years ago. After his second tour, which he reurned from last year (Sept.) He began to drink heavily again. After our relationship began, he stopped drinking, except occasionly when we were social with our friends.
As for a diagnosis... He has been diagnosed by the military. He recieves 30% disability from the VA for PTSD. And I have seen some symptoms all along. He has always had nightmares and claims to not remember them, but screams in his sleep to the point of waking me up. Since he was discharged, his interest in sex has decreased greatly and he feels little motivation to socialize with our friends, especially in groups. He claims that he "just wants to snuggle." I feel guilty because I have kind of ignored these symptoms, assuming he was a home-body and just tired.
Last night I went to his mother's house, where hes staying. (I hear so many of you say that.) I also brought we me a list of PTSD symptoms and tried to explain to him that this may be the reason for his sudden decision. He agreed that the symptoms fit him perfectly but doesn't seem to care and claims that he made the right decision. He made an appointment with a therapist at the VA for next Thursday because all his family and friends are telling him that he needs to. He said that he doesn't think its going to change anything. It seems to me that this is the hopelessness that is so often associated with PTSD.
Anyway, I fell asleep on the couch and he didn't wake me to leave because he said I looked "so comfortable." I woke up in the middle of the night to his screams and got in bed with him. I feel so horrible for the pain that he is going through. I am going to see him again tonight. I asked him if he wanted to continue to see me and he said, "If you want to?" I tried to tell him that it wasn't about me and asked him if he felt better having me around and he said yes. He still hugs me and tells me he loves me. I don't know how to handle this. Should I stay away from him or continue to stick around? Either way I want to offer my love and support. I miss him.

 

[simplyme]

It sounds like he feels undeserving maybe. It happens often. I watched a PBS documentary on a unit of Utah Marine Reservists, who came home from Iraq. The documentary covered several years of several men’s lives. I watched to try to understand my husband’s perspective on things. Allot of the guys felt anxiety about civilians, because they don’t understand them at all.

I guess when you talk to him reassure him that you love him and NOTHING will change that. And that you are there for him and more than willing to do what it takes to be the support that he needs.Stay strong. He needs you to be unwavering. It’s a tough job to be the one who loves a veteran suffering from PTSD...I KNOW! But there is hope and with allot of love and support and HELP from the VA he will make progress.Try to find the Documentary I talked about and watch it! It’s very interesting and informative.