Navigating a Toxic Relationship in High School

[lvnumc1]

this is a little messy, sorry in advance!!

hi, im 15 years old, a junior in highschool. last year i went through a really confusing breakup. our relationship was really sour and im trying my best to accept that he wasn't who i thought he was. the whole thing im in therapy, i have been for months now been trying to process who he is and who i am.

at the start, everything was good, he was the most loving person in my life. we only had eachother at some point, i was closer to him than his bestest friend. i have never felt that way toward someone, and i thought the world of him.. he said he'd marry me, he would always tell me when he's thinking of me, he'd listen to me fall asleep, all that corny stuff, etc.

i don't know what happened. i don't know how it switched up so fast, when i started not doing what i thought he wanted, he became so confusing. all of a sudden he'd ignore me, he'd say a lot of things that made me feel bad but i never said anything because i didn't want to hurt him, he'd ignore me to be with his friends, he'd yell at me over text, he'd yell at me in class, he'd yell at me in person, id be crying the whole day in my bed, so confused by why i couldn't make him happy anymore.. id cry to him, telling him i didn't know how to be enough for him. he'd complain about how much i wasn't a good girlfriend, how im selfish, how all i wanted was to have sex, how i didn't do what he wanted, how he always did what i wanted, how he was going to breakup with me, how he didn't like a certain way id look, how he would break up with me after finding out i was neurodivergent, and i felt like such a horrible person after all the things he would say. looking back, i was always trying to be the best for him.. everything i did was to try and make him happy but he never thought it was enough anymore. i went to other people for help on how to be better for him, but they all knew him, and would tell him what id say, which made things worse and he would get more angry with me. i didn't know how to be myself around him anymore, and he would get really mad that i seemed so sad around him but so happy with other people cause it made him feel like it was his fault.

i broke up with him because i thought it was for both of our own good. i texted him closure. soon, he texted me on my birthday all the stuff he got me, how he wanted to give them to me, and told me how he couldn't talk to me without having feelings and i fell back to him.. how he talked to me was like the boy i fell inlove with at first. for weeks, we had this odd relationship. where id come over and all we would do is makeout and have sex. this confused me, because before, he told me he didn't want to do things like this anymore. so i never intiated anything, until he did, and all he told me was that "i couldn't help it, i was really turned on." i didn't even know how he got that way, i was just laying down. then we fell down this pattern where each time we met up, we'd have sex. i was okay with it, i thought this relationship was fine, as long as we were in love, it was fine.

i found out now, during that time when it was heavily sexual, he was having something with someone else. we went to homecoming together, but apparently he also went with someone else. he took booth pictures with me, but afterward he went to go dance with someone else, but later he pulled me aside to makeout with me, then that night he slept over with that person (they didn't do anything sexual), but then in the morning he texted me to come over in a few days and we did what we always did..

after those weeks, he texted me, saying he was done, but he would always love me. then i had suspicions that he cheated, got upset, i told my friends. he then argued with me, saying i sexually assaulted him, was abusive, slapped him, and only wanted to have sex with him, and that he didn't love me. i was so confused, i believed him completely even though i was so lost on if i even did those things. before i could keep talking, he walked away, and kept saying "i don't care, i don't care." i was stuck, having to remember if i did those things, and it drove me further into insanity, i thought i was so horrible i deserved to die.

he began to tell everyone that i sa'd him, abused him, etc. so many people believed him and started to absolutely hate me. so many people at school would avoid me, view me as a sick monster, talk so much shit about me. i further became so lost, i lost so many people who used to be my "friends." he seemed so hurt, but i couldn't even remember if i even did any of those things. i thought i just had really shitty memory and at some point took all the accountability. i could barely go to school, my grades dropped, the school got me to put a contract against him (which didn't stop him from damaging my reputation at school), i tried ending my life at some point, i couldn't sleep properly, id have sexual thoughts all the time, every time i was around him i couldn't breath or function, every thought of being around him made me sick or cry, i ate lunch in the school bathroom, i could barely stay at school for a full day, i could barely trust anyone anymore because they all knew him, i couldn't view myself properly anymore, i got homeschooled during second semester of last year because the school got so worried about me, but i came back this year.. recently, i started to speak out more and people little by little have been believing me. yet, its been so hard to know who to trust because he has so many people that adore him.

our relationship was heavily sexual, but now, i don't think it was fully me who made it that way. i remember before we even did anything, he would say my voice turned him on, if i wore a skirt he had thoughts, he had lewd dreams, he said he wanted to touch me, he'd say he wanted me to suck him off, he'd randomly just tell me he wanted to f*ck me, how he had a boner, and i thought i was being seductive accidentally but i was really just talking to him. he took it that way.. a few months into our relationship, i let him touch me because he would tell me the things he'd imagine, i wanted to make him happy, and it just spiraled from there. at the time, i liked it all, i think i did. i used to joke around and call him a pervert from where he would look and grab me—all he'd respond with is "i can't help it." everytime we'd have sex he would say something like "i like you so much, that i can't help but want to get closer to you." which i thought was sweet at the time, but now i don't know. there was also the fact he left me for someone else he apparently he cheated on me with after he was done having sex with me all those weeks after we broke up.. which hurts to actually think about.

there's a lot i found out about him, while we were on the verge of breaking up and after we broke up.. he would tell me he loved me, but behind my back he would tell everyone i was a horrible person and he didn't love me anymore. how behind my back, he showered with someone else. how behind my back, he would text other people, he'd hold other girls' hands, he would sleep in the same bed with people i was suspicious about.. along with so many other things that i only found out now. which hurts, because all those times while he was doing that he acted so loving, but he was talking shit about me. now, every night i can't sleep without remembering one time we did something sexual, or a lot of the stuff he said to me. i wish i could stop thinking about all of this, but it hurts a lot.

even though its not all my fault, i can't stop feeling like it was all my fault even thought i think it wasn't. last school year, i f*cked up in that relationship too, im sure i hurt him aswell, but i can't understand why i feel this way.. i keep remembering things randomly to this day and its so hard to move on. its like i still miss him, and it feels like i still want to have sex with him. i don't even understand anymore. i did so much to try and push these feelings aside, i drank almost everyday, i did weed, i do nic, id talk shit about other people in spite of them talking shit about me, i did a lot of shitty things which made me feel worse.. i only stopped recently when i got into therapy, and its been a year and i still think about him. it still affects me, i still cry, i still can't see other people properly, i get scared of everything. i don't know, its really hard to go to school right now because this is around the time is when it all happened last year. sure, im a little better now, i have more friends on my side now, but whenever i get involved into some shitty drama, i feel like my head is tumbling all over the place again. that everyone will hate me again and leave me to go to him.

 

[PlainJane]

@lvnumc1, welcome to the site! Do you have PTSD? Are you looking for specific feedback?

Mod Note:
A couple of things: I removed your trigger warning; we don't use them here. Take a look at these pages to get started on the forum. Let us know at Contact Us if you have any questions about the site.

 

[lvnumc1]

@lvnumc1, welcome to the site! Do you have PTSD? Are you looking for specific feedback?

Mod Note:
A couple of things: I removed your trigger warning; we don't use them here. Take a look at these pages to get started on the forum. Let us know at Contact Us if you have any questions about the site.

yes, i have been diagnosed with ptsd and i am looking for feedback.

 

[Charbella]

How have your parents and school counselors responded to all of this? What kind of advice does your therapist give?

What kind of feedback are you looking for? I didn’t see a question anywhere but maybe I missed it.

 

[lvnumc1]

How have your parents and school counselors responded to all of this? What kind of advice does your therapist give?

What kind of feedback are you looking for? I didn’t see a question anywhere but maybe I missed it.

sorry, i kind of just went off, but i need help on how i should navigate highschool. my counselors know about it and are trying to think of how to help me. my parents only know part of it bc they had to sign a restriction contract against him. the school might give me a 504 plan. my therapist has been there for me and is giving me ways to try and regulate myself everyday. yet, i still feel so shitty whenever hes there and i have trouble sleeping. i also worry if everyone hates me because of him.

 

[littleoc]

Hello -- I saw your introduction post and checked to see if you had made any other posts. I'll respond here, too, starting with quotes and then my overall thoughts for you.

By the way, I'm neurodivergent, too, and I think it's cool that you are :)

i don't know how it switched up so fast,

You seem to not know how your behavior caused this switch in his behavior, but I know why, and deep down, I can tell that you know why because you've already named it. It wasn't you, and it wasn't your fault. You are clearly kind and loving, and were doing your absolute best, but he was not willing to try to make it work. It was not you doing anything wrong, or you making him behave that way. It sounds to me like he may be confused about his own emotions to be blaming you, as well. But most importantly, he was wearing a mask. He knew how to act sweet and loving, but changed his own mind about how he wanted to portray you to himself, and how he wanted to treat you.

That is not your fault. Sometimes, other people have things like, for example, a personality disorder, that may make it difficult to understand or think clearly about one's own emotions. Sometimes, those people don't act like how we expect them to. Some prefer to hide their "true faces" behind a mask that allows them to look like everyone else. It's a lot like how people like you and I might "mask" our neurodivergent traits in certain social situations, even without meaning to, in order to fit in better. The difference here is that when I take off my mask, I stop tolerating loud noises as well, but don't have to worry about bothering anyone if I turn all the radios and TVs off when I'm alone.

Someone with a personality disorder, though, may hide their lack of empathy, or a lack of care for others, or a lack of self care, or other things, behind that same type of mask. (I added the "lack of self care" because not all personality disorders are people who are "trying" to be "bad" -- it's complicated and not at all black and white.) In your ex boyfriend's case, it sounds like he may potentially (I of course can't actually diagnose him, I've never met him!) have been wearing one of these masks. He knew to use sweet talk to bring you in. I can't know his motivations, but at some point, he decided you would stay no matter what, and he dropped his mask.

He did not drop his mask in a healthy way. He could have tried to cope, tried to apologize to you for anything nasty he said, or he could have communicated his emotions to you without harming you or himself. He chose not to, and chose to spread rumors about you. This is a common tactic to keep control of someone.

But, to summarize, the reason he switched so quickly like that was because he was dropping his mask. And under the mask he does not know how to control himself. And he does know better, or else he wouldn't have tried to be sweet to you at the start, or when he thought he could get you back.

he'd complain about how much i wasn't a good girlfriend,

Criticism on if you are "good" or "bad" does not open conversation up for an improved relationship. He was not trying to make it work. It's possible he was trying to keep you down so he could control you better, and it's possible he really believes this.

In which case, you've done the correct thing, which is to leave him. If you cannot be good enough for him, no matter what you do, and you feel miserable around him, then you're correct, it's time to move on. It is always better to be single and free to explore the world on your own, then it is to think you need to be with someone who makes YOU feel wrong.

i believed him completely even though i was so lost on if i even did those things

This is called "gaslighting." It is when a someone tries to manipulate your memories, make you question your sanity, etc. It is a common tactic used by abusers (there are other people who might use this tactic, but I am only talking about abusers here) to, again, keep control over you and be able to change the series of events to suit their own needs.

One thing I did to combat gaslighting in high school was to make a secret journal, and write down "truths" I knew to be real. I would write down, like a diary, what happened, and if I couldn't write it because of the stress of PTSD, then I would discuss it with my therapist, or someone else who believed me and took me seriously.

i was stuck, having to remember if i did those things, and it drove me further into insanity, i thought i was so horrible i deserved to die.

I am so, so sorry you feel this bad. You do not deserve to die. Don't worry about if you did the things he says you did. If you have a memory of something else, it's likely you can trust your memory rather than his.

i got homeschooled during second semester of last year because the school got so worried about me,

May I ask why you ended up going back to the school after this?

i started to speak out more and people little by little have been believing me. yet, its been so hard to know who to trust because he has so many people that adore him.

By people, do you mean teachers, fellow students, guidance counselors, other students, current or former friends?

used to joke around and call him a pervert from where he would look and grab me—all he'd respond with is "i can't help it."

This seems to support that your memory is working correctly, and he may have twisted the narrative on you.

but behind my back he would tell everyone i was a horrible person and he didn't love me anymore.

If it is true that you are horrible and he didn't love you, why didn't he break up with you? It seems his logic doesn't necessarily make sense. It may be something HE needs to go work out in therapy.

By which I mean, he was being a double talker. If someone does this to you in the future, now you know not to have patience for it. That is his behavior. It does not reflect who you are or your worth.

i wish i could stop thinking about all of this, but it hurts a lot.

Part of PTSD is being stuck in the moment. Your brain has been rewired to think that you are in danger, and it will try to solve that danger before anything else. In PTSD, we get stuck in those moments that frighten us the most and fail to process all the emotions, situations, and thoughts we had in the moment. Those moments stick in our brains and come up over and over, because to our brain, we are still dealing with those problems.

As for your emotional pain, I understand what you're feeling. I am sorry you feel this way right now. When I was dealing with my ex in high school, I had a lot of similar feelings, and for years afterward I struggled to not think of my ex. But, after working through what happened and realizing that my ex never actually loved me or ever got to know me, and that she was a person just trying to make me stay around to make herself feel better, I began to heal. It's been a while since I thought of her, and I no longer miss her, or worry that I might accidentally befriend her again in the future.

This may also be coming up a lot for you because you are not safe from having to interact with him, or the repercussions of his behavior (friends who have not seen the uglier side of him that you saw, and may never see it). It's difficult to get over any breakup, but to not even be able to cut him out of your life completely when he's caused you harm is awful.

even though its not all my fault, i can't stop feeling like it was all my fault even thought i think it wasn't.

It was not your fault. And even if it was your fault, how would that change the fact that you need to heal, and that you deserve to feel safe?

Imagine you're talking to someone else. Would you tell someone else that it was their fault? If it really was their fault that someone else treated them this way, would that make them unworthy, or less able to be a good person?

its like i still miss him, and it feels like i still want to have sex with him.

This is normal. It feels awful, but it's normal. Luckily, we can want things, and miss things, and grieves those things, without doing those things.

i did so much to try and push these feelings aside, i drank almost everyday, i did weed, i do nic, id talk shit about other people in spite of them talking shit about me, i did a lot of shitty things which made me feel worse.. i only stopped recently when i got into therapy, and its been a year and i still think about him.

After a year, it's not unusual to still be thinking about him. He had control over you, and it's difficult to shake that off. Especially when you haven't been off into the "real world" yet to expand your social horizons.

That's amazing work that you've been able to stop drinking and doing weed since getting into therapy, though. What behaviors have you replaced those with? In other words, what are your positive, non-self-harmful coping skills now?



Other thoughts:

When raised as women, we are often thought that we must work to keep men, and we should serve them and make them happy. We should also get married and have a family one day.

This is not only not true, but often leads to harm like this. The brunt of making the relationship work should not have been placed on you. You went through so much in this relationship that would have harmed anyone, including a grown adult. I have a best friend who went through this situation, but after becoming an adult, and it was not easier for her to work through. She still goes through grief about her ex-boyfriend, or was last time I talked to her about it. She had a lot to work through, including wondering why she reacted the way she did to the abuse.

It's a complicated situation you're in, something adults struggle with, too. You're handling it very, very well in that context, and I'm proud of you for being able to make the steps you've been able to make, even when they've been difficult.


I have concern about that high school. In such a complex, delicate situation, how are adults around you helping you to make you safer? Are you in the United States, Canada, Australia, or another country? You may be able to get specific advice around the forum depending on what country you reside in. For example, in the United States, I was able to use the Americans with Disabilities act to create an IEP, or an Individualized Education Plan. This allowed me to get extra time on assignments, take tests in a private room in the library, have open book exams where others might not, have tests or quizzes read aloud to me, get extended time on the homework, only hand in half the homework other student's were required to do, and more based on my diagnoses and the realistic expectations of my ability to do the work.


Are there trusted adults around you? A teacher, a guidance counselor, etc?

And, something following me the entire time I read anything from you, do you have supportive parents? Did you parents allow you to drink, smoke weed, etc., or did you have to hide it from them? Are they protective of you? Are you safe at home?

And anything else you want to add. It is okay if you are not comfortable answering every question. Do not answer anything that makes you uncomfortable.

You seem overwhelmed in general, and yet you are continuing on, and that is genuinely very impressive! I know adults struggling with that you are struggling with now, including me once, and I am, again, proud to say you are doing well in regard to taking steps to get better, and to get away from this person. Yes, he needs help too, but you do not need to be around before, during, or after he does get help.

Your number one priority is your safety.

 

[lvnumc1]

Hello -- I saw your introduction post and checked to see if you had made any other posts. I'll respond here, too, starting with quotes and then my overall thoughts for you.

By the way, I'm neurodivergent, too, and I think it's cool that you are :)


You seem to not know how your behavior caused this switch in his behavior, but I know why, and deep down, I can tell that you know why because you've already named it. It wasn't you, and it wasn't your fault. You are clearly kind and loving, and were doing your absolute best, but he was not willing to try to make it work. It was not you doing anything wrong, or you making him behave that way. It sounds to me like he may be confused about his own emotions to be blaming you, as well. But most importantly, he was wearing a mask. He knew how to act sweet and loving, but changed his own mind about how he wanted to portray you to himself, and how he wanted to treat you.

That is not your fault. Sometimes, other people have things like, for example, a personality disorder, that may make it difficult to understand or think clearly about one's own emotions. Sometimes, those people don't act like how we expect them to. Some prefer to hide their "true faces" behind a mask that allows them to look like everyone else. It's a lot like how people like you and I might "mask" our neurodivergent traits in certain social situations, even without meaning to, in order to fit in better. The difference here is that when I take off my mask, I stop tolerating loud noises as well, but don't have to worry about bothering anyone if I turn all the radios and TVs off when I'm alone.

Someone with a personality disorder, though, may hide their lack of empathy, or a lack of care for others, or a lack of self care, or other things, behind that same type of mask. (I added the "lack of self care" because not all personality disorders are people who are "trying" to be "bad" -- it's complicated and not at all black and white.) In your ex boyfriend's case, it sounds like he may potentially (I of course can't actually diagnose him, I've never met him!) have been wearing one of these masks. He knew to use sweet talk to bring you in. I can't know his motivations, but at some point, he decided you would stay no matter what, and he dropped his mask.

He did not drop his mask in a healthy way. He could have tried to cope, tried to apologize to you for anything nasty he said, or he could have communicated his emotions to you without harming you or himself. He chose not to, and chose to spread rumors about you. This is a common tactic to keep control of someone.

But, to summarize, the reason he switched so quickly like that was because he was dropping his mask. And under the mask he does not know how to control himself. And he does know better, or else he wouldn't have tried to be sweet to you at the start, or when he thought he could get you back.


Criticism on if you are "good" or "bad" does not open conversation up for an improved relationship. He was not trying to make it work. It's possible he was trying to keep you down so he could control you better, and it's possible he really believes this.

In which case, you've done the correct thing, which is to leave him. If you cannot be good enough for him, no matter what you do, and you feel miserable around him, then you're correct, it's time to move on. It is always better to be single and free to explore the world on your own, then it is to think you need to be with someone who makes YOU feel wrong.


This is called "gaslighting." It is when a someone tries to manipulate your memories, make you question your sanity, etc. It is a common tactic used by abusers (there are other people who might use this tactic, but I am only talking about abusers here) to, again, keep control over you and be able to change the series of events to suit their own needs.

One thing I did to combat gaslighting in high school was to make a secret journal, and write down "truths" I knew to be real. I would write down, like a diary, what happened, and if I couldn't write it because of the stress of PTSD, then I would discuss it with my therapist, or someone else who believed me and took me seriously.


I am so, so sorry you feel this bad. You do not deserve to die. Don't worry about if you did the things he says you did. If you have a memory of something else, it's likely you can trust your memory rather than his.


May I ask why you ended up going back to the school after this?


By people, do you mean teachers, fellow students, guidance counselors, other students, current or former friends?


This seems to support that your memory is working correctly, and he may have twisted the narrative on you.


If it is true that you are horrible and he didn't love you, why didn't he break up with you? It seems his logic doesn't necessarily make sense. It may be something HE needs to go work out in therapy.

By which I mean, he was being a double talker. If someone does this to you in the future, now you know not to have patience for it. That is his behavior. It does not reflect who you are or your worth.


Part of PTSD is being stuck in the moment. Your brain has been rewired to think that you are in danger, and it will try to solve that danger before anything else. In PTSD, we get stuck in those moments that frighten us the most and fail to process all the emotions, situations, and thoughts we had in the moment. Those moments stick in our brains and come up over and over, because to our brain, we are still dealing with those problems.

As for your emotional pain, I understand what you're feeling. I am sorry you feel this way right now. When I was dealing with my ex in high school, I had a lot of similar feelings, and for years afterward I struggled to not think of my ex. But, after working through what happened and realizing that my ex never actually loved me or ever got to know me, and that she was a person just trying to make me stay around to make herself feel better, I began to heal. It's been a while since I thought of her, and I no longer miss her, or worry that I might accidentally befriend her again in the future.

This may also be coming up a lot for you because you are not safe from having to interact with him, or the repercussions of his behavior (friends who have not seen the uglier side of him that you saw, and may never see it). It's difficult to get over any breakup, but to not even be able to cut him out of your life completely when he's caused you harm is awful.


It was not your fault. And even if it was your fault, how would that change the fact that you need to heal, and that you deserve to feel safe?

Imagine you're talking to someone else. Would you tell someone else that it was their fault? If it really was their fault that someone else treated them this way, would that make them unworthy, or less able to be a good person?


This is normal. It feels awful, but it's normal. Luckily, we can want things, and miss things, and grieves those things, without doing those things.


After a year, it's not unusual to still be thinking about him. He had control over you, and it's difficult to shake that off. Especially when you haven't been off into the "real world" yet to expand your social horizons.

That's amazing work that you've been able to stop drinking and doing weed since getting into therapy, though. What behaviors have you replaced those with? In other words, what are your positive, non-self-harmful coping skills now?



Other thoughts:

When raised as women, we are often thought that we must work to keep men, and we should serve them and make them happy. We should also get married and have a family one day.

This is not only not true, but often leads to harm like this. The brunt of making the relationship work should not have been placed on you. You went through so much in this relationship that would have harmed anyone, including a grown adult. I have a best friend who went through this situation, but after becoming an adult, and it was not easier for her to work through. She still goes through grief about her ex-boyfriend, or was last time I talked to her about it. She had a lot to work through, including wondering why she reacted the way she did to the abuse.

It's a complicated situation you're in, something adults struggle with, too. You're handling it very, very well in that context, and I'm proud of you for being able to make the steps you've been able to make, even when they've been difficult.


I have concern about that high school. In such a complex, delicate situation, how are adults around you helping you to make you safer? Are you in the United States, Canada, Australia, or another country? You may be able to get specific advice around the forum depending on what country you reside in. For example, in the United States, I was able to use the Americans with Disabilities act to create an IEP, or an Individualized Education Plan. This allowed me to get extra time on assignments, take tests in a private room in the library, have open book exams where others might not, have tests or quizzes read aloud to me, get extended time on the homework, only hand in half the homework other student's were required to do, and more based on my diagnoses and the realistic expectations of my ability to do the work.


Are there trusted adults around you? A teacher, a guidance counselor, etc?

And, something following me the entire time I read anything from you, do you have supportive parents? Did you parents allow you to drink, smoke weed, etc., or did you have to hide it from them? Are they protective of you? Are you safe at home?

And anything else you want to add. It is okay if you are not comfortable answering every question. Do not answer anything that makes you uncomfortable.

You seem overwhelmed in general, and yet you are continuing on, and that is genuinely very impressive! I know adults struggling with that you are struggling with now, including me once, and I am, again, proud to say you are doing well in regard to taking steps to get better, and to get away from this person. Yes, he needs help too, but you do not need to be around before, during, or after he does get help.

Your number one priority is your safety.

hi, first of all, thank you so much for taking time to read and reply to this all.. im beyond grateful it means a lot.

i go to school in the united states.. for further context, my parents wanted me to go back to in person school because they think online school won't get me the same benefit? my parents are immigrants and don't exactly understand how most things work here. they aren't very supportive of me and i don't think id be comfortable opening up to them about my ex. they're in very hot water with me about school right now because im struggling to perform well. they know only a little bit about the situation with my ex boyfriend because the school had to tell them part of it. the school knew because i went to the counselor and told her part of my situation which was concerning enough to make a safety contract. the school became concerned with my attendance and behavior.. teachers would report that i seemed extremely down all the time and id start crying in class.

my therapist works for the school district, i was assigned her a few months ago because my parents didn't want to get me therapy due to their stigma around it. yet, the school thought i really needed help and so they convinced my parents to referral me to the site that works in collaboration with my school district. since my therapist works for the school district, she is trying to advocate for me right now to get a 504 plan because of how heavy my ptsd is. my grades are really bad right now and i feel like a failure since i used to be such a good student in school.

seeing him all the time isn't easy for either, at least im going to school everyday now.. yet, my emotions are still all there. it still hurts a lot and everytime i am near him i feel so sick. yet, i still would worry about how he's doing or if i hurt him and its the most unexplainable thing ever. sometimes we'd end up in the same homeroom and id be shaking the whole time. there are a lot times id randomly remember something in class and be on the verge of tears, not allowing me to focus. he still spreads things about me, just not as much. i try not to care because its like so many people talk shit and hate me because of him or just for no apparent reason. he manages to still try and take certain friends i had.. i don't understand his behavior very much. i don't think i ever will, but i have to try and accept it now.

in therapy, i think me talking about it has helped. she's taught me meditations, breathing exercises, i journal, she's overall been very supportive and shows me all the progress i made. its just around this time i became heavily suicidal and my therapist mentioned its because i am going through something called a "trauma anniversary." which makes sense, because last year was around the time all the really heavy things with my ex boyfriend happened and i almost lost my life. yet, this is a really shitty time for all of this to happen because i have finals and i can't focus at all. im not sure if i will pass again.

 

[littleoc]

I'm so glad you've gotten a therapist, at least, and she sounds like a good one!

Let me come back with a more thorough response, but for now I'll just say I understand the pain of families of immigrants, though both my parents themselves were born in the United States.

You are not a failure if you have low grades. It only means you're struggling. Not that you're incapable of learning or getting better.

 

[lvnumc1]

I'm so glad you've gotten a therapist, at least, and she sounds like a good one!

Let me come back with a more thorough response, but for now I'll just say I understand the pain of families of immigrants, though both my parents themselves were born in the United States.

You are not a failure if you have low grades. It only means you're struggling. Not that you're incapable of learning or getting better.

Thank you so much, it feels great having someone who understands. I don't really know, I just finished my finals and I don't feel confident in what I did. Its better than last year, but I don't know if my efforts will be enough.

 

[littleoc]

That's okay. At worst, maybe you'll be held back a grade and be able to have more distance between you and your abuser.

I know it's hard around "traumaveraries," but it's extra important to remember that you are more than your grades and more than the high school you're in. So, do something good for yourself during your winter break and see if you can't give your mind a small "vacation" from these events. Do you get to see your therapist outside of school, or only when school is in session?

 

[littleoc]

Any update?

 

[lvnumc1]

Any update?

Hi! I'm 3 months late, but I will give an update on my situation if you still care! :)

So, it got pretty bad for me, my PTSD caused me to spiral at school and I attempted to end my life again. Luckily, I lived and I was able to leave the psych ward early. I became comfortable telling why I decided to try and end my life. As a result, I got taken out of my public school. I haven't seen my abuser in almost 3 months now. I feel as if my thoughts are starting to clear up. It's been really confusing the past few months, but I think it's better. Next year I'm definitely getting fully homeschooled. I don't want to ever see my ex again. Thank you for your support, I thought of this post often whenever I was doubting myself again. Thank you so much, I'll try my best to continue recovering.