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General Please help! he says he feels on the verge of nervous breakdown, what to do?

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I'm... gaslighting? Seriously? It was very obvious to me based on your own words that is exactly what he meant. I am actually shocked that you didn't realize that even though that is exactly what you said he said in the first few sentences of the 2nd paragraph of your Op.

I even told you that in my post on the third page. Sorry, I can't quote on my phone as I don't know how to highlight.

I think was very very clear from the beginning that it was a theoretical possibility. I honestly feel worried for him. He did exactly what he should have done. Reach out before things get to that point. That is a huge deal, an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure.

He was using healthy coping skills. The bath, alone time, telling you ahead of time that things could easily get bad for him, so that you could help him prevent it are all things that a therapist would tell him to do.

Not only did you handle a situation where you should have been proud of him for how he was handling his stress levels, you turn around and accuse him of gaslighting!? That is pretty f*cked up.

No, he is not gaslighting you. That is a very serious accusation to make and makes me concerned for his well being.
What is he going to do next time he is in that place where he is trying to get help before things get bad, because it doesn't seem like he can or should trust you not to over react or complain about what he needs to do to manage his symptoms.

My phone auto corrected Ummm into I'm.
 
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I’m concerned that you are taking the stance that you know how to communicate so the communication issues are on him.

That’s not really how it works.

There are many different kinds of communication styles out there and it’s not a matter of one being the right way and the rest being wrong.

Communication takes two. It’s a team effort, especially with a partner.
 
So I ignored what he said. I did not do it on purpose, but I just could not cope and whenever I remembered what he said I just thought: I am going to think about it later, I do not want to think about it now.
He acted normal and happy all of the time. Then yesterday nothing had actually happened, he had just been playing monkey that day, you know like hiding in the garden and then jumping down from a tree or coming out from the bushes and pretending to be a monkey and the kids had much fun...
Then the children where in bed and we were having pudding and in my country we sometimes drink wine with that. So I said „To your good Health/wellbeing“ („Auf‘s Wohl“)... I cannot explain this... This is something we just say and it means nothing... and he answered that he was not feeling well-being („Ich fühle mich nicht wohl“) and that he would be a far better monkey then human being. I went „What?“ and he just repeated, so I went „WTF are you talking about“. He said he wanted to be a monkey and then again that the civvies at work were driving him crazy and that he wanted to be a monkey cause he feared he would have a burn out soon. I said „but you don‘t need to work there but you can be a human being who does not work there“, again he said that he wanted to be a monkey. I said „Are you mad? You cannot be a monkey. Just stop working there“ - „But it‘s not possible. Everybody expects me to have a good job“... and he repeated that he was gonna have a burn out, not having on yet but feeling at the verge of one, feared he was gonna kill himself.
So I asked him if there was anything I could do for him but he answered there was nothing and that it was not that bad and that I must not worry. He smiled and asked me to talk about something different.

But I am very worried now.

@EveHarrington: it is very unfair what you say, because his communication style is „not communicating“. Yesterday I tried to make him talk more about the topic, make him tell me how I could help or what he needed but he did not talk.
When he told me first I cuddled him and told him how much I loved him. I just do not write this all of the time, like „look how nice I am, look at the nice things I do for him“.
He just does not communicate about feelings a lot, he does not communicate with others about this too. It is not only me. Could me because he is a male. What he says when he does talk about his feelings often is rather cryptic like „I wanna be a monkey“. Yes, I guess I know what he wants to say, that people are judging him on his performance in his job. I do not think anybody is as judgemental as he thinks that but it is how he feels about things.
English is not my native language. I did not mean gaslighting in a negative way. I just wanted to say that I feared he does not want to talk about stuff and that is why he makes me feel like I got him wrong.
 
Dealing with suicidal ideation is the worst. Its so hard to know what to say or do. I can't call emergency services every time my veteran says he would rather be dead. But sometimes I get text messages like "I can't go on like this. Take care." and I panic that it is a goodbye suicide note and then he gets angry and says if I overreact then he can't tell me how he feels. So... what to do?

Hugs @Never_falter. This is really hard stuff you are dealing with.
 
So I ignored what he said. I did not do it on purpose, but I just could not cope and whenever I re...

I never said it was only you. What I said was that it’s not about you knowing how to communicate (and having zero fault in communication issues), so it’s all on him. I am not saying he’s not to blame, what I am saying is that I don’t think you have a perfect communication style (as nobody does).

PS there is no way that gaslighting can not be used in a negative way.
 
One one hand I do think the language barrier is causing difficulty in you expressing yourself properly. As @EveHarrington said, gaslighting is always bad and most always referes to somones actions that are purposely malicious.

One the otherhand you explain what he says so well that I belive understand what he means but you report that you interprited it differently than if his words were taken at face value.

He was playing with the kids and being care free. A monkey doesn't have the worries a human does.

What he was saing is "I would like to be care free and have fun without the pressures of work."

He needs a vacation from his job Asap
Or he needs to find a new job.
 
Could we please stop discussing the word gaslighting please. We have a word with similar meaning but neutral in our language, we have a word for negative gaslighting and one for neutral gaslighting and that is what I meant, but the words not that important is it.
Let‘s please not discuss words while my darling maybe needs help.

So what do you do @Sighs? Today my vet told me he was doing fine, that I do not need to worry, everything was under control. He slept very well this night and also looked much better. So can I just relax. Dunno.

I talked to my father who thinks I should make sure that he has more contact with his buddies but he told me not to discuss his health with his buddies because men do not talk about those kind of things.
 
I talked to my father who thinks I should make sure that he has more contact with his buddies but he told me not to discuss his health with his buddies because men do not talk about those kind of things.
This is a well meaning idea, but I would not recommend telling his buddies. At all. He's set a clear boundary there. If my partner told my friends about my health without my permission, especially after I stated not to do so... I would be sent into a spiral so fast... Right now, he's got his feet under him. Lean into that. Let the dust of a bad day settle. Find ways to settle your nerves. Don't rush in past boundaries to fix.

When handling suicidal ideation, this is crucial to remember:
@Never_falter there isn't much you can do.
It can be really nerve-wrecking to hear that a loved one is worried about killing themselves. I've been there, on both sides of it. It can be hard to feel so helpless to stop them or save them from this.

As for the specific conversation and statements he made, I can walk through how I might have responded. This is only speaking from my limited experience as a sufferer from what helps me. It's mostly an example of how to let go of trying to fix things, and instead sit back and listen.
Then the children where in bed and we were having pudding and in my country we sometimes drink wine with that. So I said „To your good Health/wellbeing“ („Auf‘s Wohl“)... I cannot explain this... This is something we just say and it means nothing... and he answered that he was not feeling well-being („Ich fühle mich nicht wohl“) and that he would be a far better monkey then human being. I went „What?“ and he just repeated, so I went „WTF are you talking about“
As a sufferer, this is the kind of moment where a brief encouraging comment is better than "WTF are you talking about." Something like, "I love both your human and monkey self. I'm here for you and proud of you."

If I didn't understand what he was saying at all, I might have said, "Tell me more. I'm curious." or "I'm not sure I understand, tell me more." Use "I" statements. It will come across less critical.
he feared he would have a burn out soon. I said „but you don‘t need to work there but you can be a human being who does not work there“, again he said that he wanted to be a monkey. I said „Are you mad? You cannot be a monkey.
Instead, I would have said, "I have days where I'd like to goof off all day too! You were so great with the kids. Work is hard. Do you want to talk more about what's happening at work? It's ok if you don't."

i.e. Validate what you can, compliment, and offer to listen, without pressure. Don't start implying he's gone crazy. Don't rush in with solutions for his job. Even better: Before you give career advice, ASK if he would like advice or just to talk.
Just stop working there“ - „But it‘s not possible. Everybody expects me to have a good job“... and he repeated that he was gonna have a burn out, not having on yet but feeling at the verge of one, feared he was gonna kill himself.
What I would have said: "I'm really glad you are talking about this. Thanks for sharing it with me...." Then I might have asked if he'd be up for talking about other ways to cope, and suggested reaching out to a treatment provider (does he have one?), or to other friends to see if they had suggestions (as a way to keep talking)... etc.

Overall, the one thing I think you can do differently to help: every time you want to rush in and fix a problem, PAUSE. Wait. Listen. Validate, and avoid critiquing. Will this change his suicidal thinking? No. But it might help you both weather the storm a little better.

When you backed off trying to fix the situation, the ship that seemed like it was wrecking... it righted itself. The storm passed. He's doing better. The supporters that have been the most helpful to me are the ones who could sit steady in a moment of pain and not react, but instead ride the waves with me. Not tried to fix the storm, which they couldn't do anymore than they could control the actual weather.

It can be very hard to not react when someone expressing thoughts of ending their life, but try practicing with the easier moments (like saying he wanted to be a monkey) and not fixing even that. It will be hard at first. It will get easier with practice. Acceptance can go a long ways to settle stressed nerves.
 
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