General Please help! he says he feels on the verge of nervous breakdown, what to do?

[lostforgottensoul]

they are a bit like children and do not work together as a team but always quarrel, everybody does what he pleases and he cannot make them a team and he thinks that reflects poorly on him not them, because it is his job not theirs to make them a team.

Actually workplace teamwork is the job of the workers (them) not the supervisor (him). Yes, a supervisor must be good at leading people and helping them teamwork but ultimately it's the co-worker that must have and display team work. It reflects on both but it doesn't make him a bad leader. A leader leads you to the water, shows you the way, but it's up to you to make that happen.

I would see if you can challange him a bit on that. Also, I would make a point that most civialians don't work well under a drill sargent. I don't know how he leads but if it's like the military maybe talk with him about most not having a military background won't work well with a drill sargent type of leader? I'm just wondering if he's leading like he would in the miltary and if it's failing due to civilians not having a military background?

 

[Never_falter2]

I do not think that what I was stressing him. I think I was being nice. I tell you the story of one time he disappeared, the time that annoyed me most in the last weeks.
In the last weeks he had been a major flakes. Anyway this day we wanted to go out to an event. Actually hubby wanted me to give him a massage that day because he had a backache and I was not to convinced because he always wants to be massaged a long time and does not want me to stop and I feared we might be running out of time then and because the children were running around being wild. However I wanted to be nice, so I switched the TV on, let kids watch TV, gave him a massage. Then I wanted to have a shower before we went there. Because I had been riding before and still smelled like horse, lots of posh people there and I did not want to smell like a horse. We have two bathrooms but only one has a shower too and the other one has only a bathtub. So I wanted to have a shower, but hubby said he needed to use the bathroom and he did not want to go to the other cause it was cold and not comfortable. He has got constipation and I wanted to be nice. he said he would be quick. Okay, he went to the bathroom and we waited and waited and waited. I shouted for him several times, that he needed to hurry, I need to shower, would be very cool if he could also watch the kids, but he did not give an answer. When I checked on him because I was not even sure if he was still in the bathroom he told me he was having a bath, something he did not discuss with me at all before. I told him: OMG, be quick, we are running out of time and my makeup is also in the bath. He said no problem, he will be there in just a minute and we waited and waited and waited. So I went there again, told him we are waiting, make haste. I asked him what he was doing in there and he was sort of mean saying he was having sex with hookers and doing coke with them. Later when he finally reappeared I was biting my tongue...
Like I said this was not the only time he disappeared and we hadbeen waiting for him. Most times I did not say a thing.
I do not think I was being mean but others might disagree and I will be actually happy to hear others opinion.

I only did so because he was criticizing my children’s table manner. So I stopped biting my tongue for a while and told him.

I think the civvies in the workplace are a problem but sorry incannot write more now cause I have no time now. I will write about it later (and sorry if this was a little rambling, writing while kids climb me).

 

[Never_falter2]

Have to add that he wanted to be massaged a long time and bathed a loooooong time. Otherwise it would not have been a problem.

Ooooh... and he did not need a bath because he was not dirty or smelled like horses (unlike me). Otherwise it would have made sense.

Sorry, I should not do two things at the same time.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

saying he was having sex with hookers and doing coke with them

I would have said the same. Sorry but that's super nagging. And I have opioid constipation. One of the worst types that cannot be helped with any over the counter stool softeners or laxatives. If you were nagging me while I'm literally trying to give birth out of my asshole to a turd as hard as a rock the size of my first, you would have gotten a pile of rage! That is also extremely painful and bloody. So, theres that. There is no hurrying. Sometimes no matter how hard I push it just doesnt want to come out but I still have to get it out. Tell me to hurry one more time! Just saying.

He doesn't have a right to demand a massage from you and you have a right to say no. But he has a right to take a shit in peace. I mean, really? And you don't think you're adding stress at home?

If he said something to you about your kid's table mannors, why does it matter? If he said something mean to your child and wasn't nice about it then ok. But just venting to you about something that bothers him is normal. I'm not sure how all of that played out but I am getting the feeling of nag and petty and that's horribly stressing to us PTSDers. I personally don't want to have to worry about upseting my partner over petty shit. If this or that will upset them. That is horribly stressing and I think that's why you got the "nervous break down gonna hurt myself" comment. Reading this bathroom story is distressing to me and I didn't even experience it. Imagine how distressing or stressful that is for him!

 

[Never_falter2]

I think you got me wrong. He was not sitting at the loo (at least most of the time) but he decided he wanted a bubble bath and he decided he wanted to bath a loooooooong time while everybody was waiting for him... and he complained about the kids table manners when the kids were present... and actually he has lousy, lousy, lousy table manners. Really, he sometimes eats as if people are trying to steal his food, but complains about my kids manners all of the time... to the kids I mean.

But I do not want to bash him. I decided to be nicer in the next time even if it means I have to bite my tongue. I already made that decision.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sorry, @Never_falter, i did have it wrong. That sounds more like an entitled childish asshole to me. It's not about bashing but about communicate which, to me, sounds like you guys are lacking, a lot.

I get the feeling that maybe he didn't want to go to the event that you had planned so was dragging his feet on purpose? I don't know. It's hard for me to picture what you're describing.

Do you guys have a couples therapist? If not, does his therapist do couples? Mine does so thats why I asked. My therapist would bring in anyone I wanted to, to counsel with me. Did that with my dad once. Can you do some couples counseling? You guys really need to learn communication and boundries in my opinion. His statement of nervious break down gonna hurt himself sounds more like a desprate way of communicating with you of some of his needs probably lacking the words for what he was feeling and PTSD makes us regress at times so maybe that's why he's acting childish? Either way, you two need to learn how to communcate efficently with each other, express needs, wants, feelings etc better, and set boundries of what you will and will not accept (both parties). A couples therapist would help you with all of that and more.

Just my few cents.

 

[Fadeaway]

I think there is definitely poor communication going on.

 

[Never_falter2]

Yesterday he came home cheerful and was cheerful this morning... and I asked him if he was okay. Well he said, he had what felt like being on the verge of a panic attack at work. Went to his office, ate a candybar, covered his face with his hands and concentrated on his breath and then he felt okay again.

It was him who came up with the idea to go there - not me. He hates going crowded places so I let him always choose where we go.
Yes, I thought it was entitled. That‘s what I thought but I bit my tongue not to tell him too much how I thought about this... only when he said nasty things about our kids I gave him a piece of my mind.

Is he entitled? Yes, sometimes he is acting entitled and sometimes he is really nice and spoils his family rotten... whenever I think he is an entitled asshole he does something completely nice and selfless and puts others first... and of course he needs to work a lot and cannot put his feelings first there.
He is lousy at communicating... maybe because he had an upbringing when the parents did not care to much about their kids but shifted them from nanny to nanny and later to boarding schools. They say that boarding schools make you a lousy communicator and who knows maybe they are right.
He is really friendly... at least most of the times, well not when he complained the kids table manners, but most of the times. But I really do think it is difficult for him to tell how he is feeling without cracking a joke.

I really, really do think it is not me who contributes to our communication problems because I know how to communicate.

No, I do not think he is an asshole. I know he has a good heart... and I know when he tells me that stuff that he feels bad about how those civvies in his workplace behave than it does really matter to him and it is a real problem for him.

BTW I do not want to interfere with your business @lostforgottensoul, but did you talk about this with your doctor? You said you were bleeding, my guy had the same and I actually made him see the doctor. He was fine, but the doctor said it was good he came because bleeding is always a warning sign and must be checked.

Oh, I do not think he is acting bossy at work. Typically he is very friendly, pulling his forlock. He ain‘t mean. Actually if anything of that kind I actually think that he is to gentle with them and they think they can do as they please.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

BTW I do not want to interfere with your business @lostforgottensoul, but did you talk about this with your doctor?

It's scraping at my skin inside thus where the blood is coming from. It's not good but it's caused by opioid pain medication so not a lot anyone can do. I tried every over the counter stool softener, laxitive, probiotics (which is expensive) along with loads of fiber and nothing works. There was a commercial on tv (or used to be) about a medication specificlly for opipid consipation. It's it's own thing. But to answer your question I did to my pain dr and MD. Not a whole lot they can do but prescribe something and I never went that route. I could, I suppose, but not a lot of good comments about the prescription stuff. When you're on high levels of opioid pain meds constipation is just a side effect you have to deal with. But, one day I will cause hemroids from straining. I may already have them. Don't know. That maybe what some of the blood is coming from. Internal hemroids.

 

[Never_falter2]

@lostforgottensoul: I think there are a few other things that might help. Did you try to take squatting position? Google squattypotty for an example. Warmth may also be helpful, make sure your bathroom is warm, put warm socks at your feet, have warm water or cocoa with you... I guess warm water is the more healthful alternative. Did you try eating a spoon full of oil such as olive oil with your food. Does not totally cure it but makes it better. I actually started a thread because I wanted to ask if I should make him see a doctor and I got a lot of helpful advice... including the advice with the warm drink which I just shared an it has been very helpful for him... and I feel very stupid that I had felt embarrasssed to discuss the topic before because if I had know about the warm drink before it would have saved him from a lot of discomfort.
Should I push the thread up for you?
...and could we stop discussing the constipation topic in this thread... I know I started it, but I would like to discuss the civvies at the workplace and feeling on the verge of nervous breakdown topic here. This is something I worry about a lot.

 

[Fadeaway]

Could you explain what behavior you think is entitled?

 

[Never_falter2]

I thought it was entitled when he told our children they had no table manners while he has ghastly table manners. And when he was taking a bath without telling anybody and when he knew I needed the shower (and I would have showered for only five minutes) and while we were waiting for him BUT it doesn‘t really matter. All of us act entitled at times. He just didn‘t feel right and I did not known and if I had known I would not have been angry he acted entitled. In fact I am sorry I was angry at him.

Doesn‘t really matter if he acts entitled. Most important thing is he is feeling okay and will not have a nervous break down. Entitled or no I do not want him to hurt himself and that‘s the most important thing.