General Please Help Me Stop The Fear

[horizons]

He has disappeared again, not responding to texts. Sent a text saying he would call soon which usually means an hour or so. Fourteen hours later I've only had a disturbed 2 hours sleep worrying about his safety. I'm a wreck. How do I stop the worry and fear?

 

[Nicolette]

I am sorry for your situation and nothing will take away the worry and fear. Sending you a hug of support as I would hate to be in your position but from previous experience (not including PTSD) your hands are tied and all you can do it wait it out. Adding PTSD to the mix - I would not continue trying to call or text if you have been and if you are severely concerned about an accident can you make enquiries where he works etc to just confirm he is ok? I don't know but I do know the feelings and they aren't nice at all.

My ex boyfriend rang to say he was on his way over one evening and I only heard from him 12 hours later after a sleepless night ringing his family, police stations and hospitals in the area.....he just decided to drop in and see a friend and play playstation games with no consideration to me and left his phone in the car. When he got back in contact I ended up in trouble for worrying everyone....prick!

 

[horizons]

Thanks so much Nicolette, I guess the difficult part is how can someone who claims to love me, who knows damn well how much i worry, ignore a request that would take him less than a minute to put my mind at ease? I understand the need for space. But not the hurtful disrespect and disregard for my feelings from someone who only two weeks ago told friends he wanted to marry me. The push me pull you thing is driving me insane. Yet he will not take space from the job that continues to bring on the traumas that hurt him. Always space from me, or space from his creative abilities. I just don't understand...

 

[Nicolette]

Ahhhh.....the answer perhaps?! Good stress is just as bad as bad stress so him saying he wants to marry you & then pulling away cab make sense with PTSD! They pull away from what they deem is causing the overload of stress (over filling their cup) which again can be good things like the idea of marriage and all that contains like an engagement, wedding etc.

Rationally work is a stress that he feels he can deal with without over flowing his cup but by adding you the cup overfills. He doesn't put you in the cup first as work would be a necessity as well as aide self worth - nothing personal but doesn't make sense when you are in love with them on the outside looking in.

 

[Fantabulous]

Thanks so much Nicolette, I guess the difficult part is how can someone who claims to love me, who knows damn well how much i worry, ignore a request that would take him less than a minute to put my mind at ease? I understand the need for space. But not the hurtful disrespect and disregard for my feelings from someone who only two weeks ago told friends he wanted to marry me. The push me pull you thing is driving me insane.

I struggle with this exact same thing! I'm not anywhere near marriage with my sufferer (we aren't even in a relationship but we've talked about wanting to be), but I get the whole "push/pull" thing to. I also can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that if you want to be with someone and you like them, WHY you can't have a simple conversation every couple of days. I know part of that is me...while I'm not an extrovert, I love to connect with people through conversation and when I think about them I tend to reach out and send them a message.

I can't really offer a solution to you, but I just wanted to know that I can relate! :Hug_emoticon:

 

[amethist]

Hi Horizons

I agree with all that has been said to you already, maybe just one thing to add.

When he does finally get in touch with you, please don't blow off steam at him, though that may be the first or second thing you want to do, we do understand why you would feel like doing that. Then when it has all calmed down you could suggest, if possible, that he sends you one text then next time this happens. It could be a code word you both agree on, already pre-set in his cell phone, just so you do not worry and then can sit back and wait until he returns to a level on which he can contact you again. You will probably have to wait and pick the right time to chat to him about this, he may also refuse your request to be kept in the loop.

Almost 3 years down the line with caring for my husband, we have a simple question I ask when I can see something is wrong. I just ask him if he is "Having a wobble", from there I can see how I need to handle it for him and myself. Yes I still worry, but no longer go into panic mode, I just deal with the situation as it is at that moment.

Hang in there and ask as many question as you like, between us we can usually find a way round most things.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

I guess the difficult part is how can someone who claims to love me, who knows damn well how much i worry, ignore a request that would take him less than a minute to put my mind at ease?

IMHO there are two answers to this struggle:

1. It is an abuse cycle if you take away PTSD where someone has no respect for your needs and feelings and only their own (as in my case)
2. Isolation caused by PTSD and due to the overload the rational thinking and common decency goes out the door.

Amethist is correct in saying it takes time and rather than her word 'wobbles' I use 'sick' as the code word thing does work but it is different when they are being like that in the same house versus disappearing.

When the time is right, you need to be, IMHO, very direct that this is not acceptable due to the hurt he causes you and that you require a text message as a minimum even if it just says 'need time out' so you don't worry. PTSD is very much about picking your time and your battles as a Carer and I would stress that you need to set very clear boundaries with things that hurt you. Don't do the female thing and go on and on and justify - you just need to be polite, succinct and honest when the time is right. If you don't it ends up that you end up just as ill as they are but yours is due to worry. PTSD is not an excuse for lack of common decency so you just have to work out ways to deal with it that works from both sides.

 

[Cin]

Thanks so much Nicolette, I guess the difficult part is how can someone who claims to love me, who knows damn well how much i worry, ignore a request that would take him less than a minute to put my mind at ease? I understand the need for space. But not the hurtful disrespect and disregard for my feelings from someone who only two weeks ago told friends he wanted to marry me. The push me pull you thing is driving me insane. Yet he will not take space from the job that continues to bring on the traumas that hurt him. Always space from me, or space from his creative abilities. I just don't understand...

My sufferer explains it like this.. He hates who he is when the 'dark cloud' hovers, he fears saying something to me that will do irreparable damage and although he knows shutting me out hurts, he believes staying around would be worse. He also says that most of the time he doesn't even see it coming and by the time it hits, he is incapable of conveying anything to me, so he says nothing at all. Another thing he says is, seeing my hurt when he shuts out actually makes him feel worse, so the complete shut outs are as much for his own well being as for mine. He often reassures me that despite his silence, he does love me very much and misses me everyday, in the end, it's the shame and self loathing that keep him away for so long.

It doesn't make it right, or fair, but that is just the way it is with him, for now anyway.

 

[Nicolette]

My sufferer explains it like this..

Cin it is great that your Sufferer takes the time out to explain things to you as knowledge is very powerful..........not knowing what, how or why are very hard to deal with especially when things can change so drastically without obvious reason.

 

[Cin]

It took well over a year for him to finally explain to me the ins and outs, but I think he finally realised if he didn't, I would break every time he shut out. He realised not knowing made me look for things within myself to blame for him being gone. In some ways, explaining it to me removed a huge weight off his shoulders. I no longer blame myself or think it's me and I am so grateful to him for giving that sense of peace to me.

 

[pebbels]

Hi horizons, I have experianced similar to what you are, the pull/push and space thing although my ex explained it wasn't me it was him but i was taking everything personally at that time and made it worse. anyway i just wanted to say that Cin has hit the nail on the head, and i also agree with Nicolette, there is no need to be cold and rude about it knowing you would be worried sick, communication at the right time is key and setting those boundries for you and having a code.

I feel for you because it really is a ride of emotions and confusion, but don't make the mistake i did and take everything personally but calmly state at the right time what you will accept and what you won't or you will only make yourself ill.

All the best

Pebs

 

[ISupportHer]

I don't respond as much as I used to or probably should but, horizons. I do hear your pain and frustrations.

I think you've gotten a lot of good comments here. Sometimes our sufferers just don't think of things the way we do. This is a struggle for me when I try to explain things to my daughters. Just something as simple as talking/sharing. I have to remind them that, when looking at actions or inactions, you need to look at things from the frame of reference of someone with PTSD not what you or I (meaning my daughters) would see and do.

So, coming here helps, I hope. The ability to see what others experience. Cin's post about her sufferer's explanation is a case in point. That you can find nuggets of information to help you.

And if not to help with explanation, just to know you are not alone. "You" meaning anyone here. Sufferer OR carer.

ISH