Relationship Politely Distancing

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Hi Supporters, thanks for the amazing work you do

I'm wondering about your point of view, to help me be nice to my supporter.

My supporter is a good mate, who has recently moved an hour away.
Before she left, she always wanted me to visit and have dinner with her & hubby. Every friday night plus saturday if possible. i often didnt feel like talking, so we'd watch a movie. But its so painful being with people, when you have PTSD! :sorry:
sometimes on my way back to my car I would accidentally burst into tears before i had climbed in, and she would walk me back to her house and make me a cuppa until i was calm again.

I really like her, hell, I'd walk in front of a bus for her. and so i kept seeing her, despite the pain.

Since she moved, she's been nagging me to come and stay, as in overnight stay. so after two months of excuses, iv finally agreed and now its the day, and i dont wanna go. i really don't. :arghh;

so for next time, how can i respectfully tell her that i'm just not into this socialising business?

To summarise, How can we stay friends, but I don't want to see her that much? What can I say, how would you guys like it to be said to you? :shy:

Thanks so much

 

[aut555]

Wow, that's hard. Could you stay at a nearby hotel, maybe limiting some contact, and giving you down time? Could you just tell her the truth. Start with that the timing is all wrong , perhaps next year it will work out? Could you go just for two days only? Good luck, hope there is an answer here for you.

 

[feetfirst]

If I was your Supporter, I'd want your honesty. Support means helping to reduce, not increase, your stress level. It's not very supportive or fair to you or her to put yourself in a situation where you're having to grin and bear it every time you get together. I'd strongly suggest being honest and figuring out something that will be a win/win for both of you. If watching a movie worked, maybe reinstitute that tradition and don't spend the night. If you're not up for seeing your friend, you shouldn't be expected to see her. There are many other forms of communication--texting, email, phone, video chat. Having difficulty with face to face contact is a pretty common symptom of PTSD.

 

[gealach]

You describe your friend as very supportive: encouraging you to get out of the house, be around familiar people in a familiar setting, understanding that you don't want to talk, making you a cup when you're overwhelmed. A friend who understands ptsd even that much, is a gem. For your sake, don't give that up. Keep some human connection.

Since she's moved away, it may be time set some new boundaries. Wanting you to stay overnight is a lot of pressure, especially if you're already uncomfortable. Maybe visit then commute back home? Or stay in a hotel? Make the visit just once in a month?

I hope you can find a way to visit, be supported, and not be so overwhelmed. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree with @feetfirst. Honesty goes a long way with us. We don't understand until we have things explained to us. I always tell my vet to explain things to me like I am simple, and I won't take it as an insult. She may just need that explanation.

Once you get on the same page, maybe you can work up to the overnight visits. Maybe she can come visit you for an overnight first in your safe space, then you can try a longer daytime visit, or staying at a hotel, etc.

 

[pixel]

I agreed to go tonight, and i would be pulling out if it werent for the fact they're already in the city and they're just about to pick me up on their way home.
ive just finished packing and i flew into a rage. i feel awful and im gunna have a mess to clean up when i get home.

stuff this. i wanna move to mars.

btw, im so greatful to your replies. gunna re-read them laters and apply them.
honesty and commuting. yeah :tup:

 

[Jensen]

Well as a Supporter my first thoughts were that it would be good if you could face your demons and go. The circumstances seemed safe enough.
Then I read to your last post and you were going, or should I say gone! Fantastic, if all goes as well as it should you will feel great.