General Possible Breaking Point?

[Julesnaz]

I just want to vent a little. So I met this guy online about 7 months ago and he has combat ptsd. We email back and forth nearly every single day and see each other when he feels ok to do so. It used to be about once a week, then it was once every 2 weeks, then once a month, now it's been about 3 months since we've spent any quality time together. I know that the holidays aren't a very good time for him and I'm trying to be understanding, but I really just want to see him and hold him. I know I'm being a bit selfish, but I'm going through a rough patch myself and just would really like the company and my other friends don't really get me like he does regarding certain things since we've had similar past relationship issues. I keep fighting for him every time he tries to push me away, but it seems to be getting harder and harder to do so when we make plans to hang out and then he cancels again. I'm tired of being disappointed. I feel like the next time he tries to push me away I should just tell him, ok. That its not fair to me for this whole thing to be one sided and that I'm tired of being disappointed again.

I know that he's scared to commit and I know that I want more out of the relationship than he does. He told me I should look for other people to be with, which I've tried. I just don't find I feel the same about others as I do him. I just wish I knew what was going on, how he really feels about us, and whether he's just scared of getting hurt or if he really just doesn't want to be with me. He will say he doesn't thing it's a good idea we see each other anymore because he's afraid someone will get hurt, but then in a day or so it's like he never said anything and we continue on as normal. I'm just getting so frustrated, but I don't want to say anything to ruin things because I'm pretty sure I'm getting pms and may just be feeling overly emotional. Sigh.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

PTSD relationships aren't for everyone. I'm the sufferer, and I honestly don't know why he's stuck by me for so long. Sometimes we're closer, other times more distant. What you describe is quite familiar.

Sometimes (ok most of the time) I'm glad that he's the über rational one, even though it means that his feelings and emotions are a bit hidden. I think I have enough emotion for the both of us!

But, you shouldn't ignore your own needs. I hate to put it this way, but does the good outweigh the bad? No relationship is perfect, but if you're sacrificing too much then maybe this isn't the guy for you? A lot of this sounds like PTSD, but nobody can tell you if it will get better. I mean it's taken me a REALLY long time to build up trust and I still have my episodes. I know it's not easy...

 

[Julesnaz]

The good does outweigh the bad, I think anyway. Just hearing from him everyday makes me happy and when we see each other things are great. It's just difficult not knowing when I'll see him again and wondering if he really doesn't want to see me or if its just him pushing away for a little so he doesn't get hurt. I guess ill just wait and see because I know in the mood I'm in now I'm sure I will regret making any decisions.

 

[The Hermit King]

Your guy needs to wake up and appreciate what he has got. There are not many women that would even try and be a supporter and he better realize that or find his a$$ all alone. I also have combat PTSD and I used to be like him but I have learned over the years that you NEED at least one person who is a constant in your life, once you find them treat them right and hang on to them for dear life.

I have been living totally alone hermit style now for over a year and I have had a hell of a lot of time to think about this stuff.

 

[Gingerly]

@Over9000 -- I wish you could tell that to my Sufferer who just recently ended our 4-year relationship. I WAS the one person who was a constant in his life but apparently he would rather isolate himself than have me in his life.

@Julesnaz -- It isn't easy being in a relationship with someone with PTSD. They have so many issues. Good luck to you.

 

[nursenurse]

Why would anyone hang on to someone as relationship material, when they haven't seen you in 3 months, even though you are close enough for that to happen? Cyber relationships are easy, you can be whomever and whatever you want without facing any kind of reality. PTSD or not, if this is more than an internet relationship, he owes you something, and you aren't getting it. I think he speaks by what he is doing - cancelling out on you, lengthening the time between seeing him in person. I think he may not just not be that into you, and if he says otherwise without putting his money where his mouth is, then he is stringing you along. He's already told you to move on, and you haven't seen him for three months. You can't move on in a week, sometimes it takes a long time especially when you had strong feelings for that person. Cut the communication for awhile, no internet, no texts, don't read them, don't write him. Give him and yourself some real space. You can't move on from what you think you had if you keep the strings tied.

 

[scout86]

And, because I was married to someone who actually would have done this....what if he's lying to you? As nurse said, anyone can be anyone on the internet. Maybe he's playing the field. Maybe he's married. Maybe the combat ptsd story was a line to gain sympathy. I could go on, really I could. I have no idea what the truth is, but "sooner" is a better time to think about this than "later".

The sign of a "relationship" is that the road runs both ways.

 

[StrongHeart]

As a friend of mine advised me, if someone isn't calling you or wanting to be with you, that means that whatever he is doing in that time is more important. The person you want to be with is the one who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. Otherwise, you will always be frustrated. It's not going to change. Over time, your situation has gotten worse. He's not making an effort to change, so unless you look at this realistically, you are headed for serious heartbreak. It sounds like he's being very upfront about himself; are you believing him, or are you thinking you are going to change him?

 

[Julesnaz]

Thanks for all the advice. It's just hard because I know that he's struggling around the holidays and the same day that I saw him last was the last day he saw his main, weekly therapist. His therapist moved to another state to get a better va position and he was with him for 5 years and they grew very close. Professional or not, they became very friendly and he meant a lot to him. I'm sure it was hard on him to lose someone that has helped him immensely since seeking help. He hasn't gotten a new one and I asked him if he was going to and he said he might take a break for a while. I don't think it's a good idea, but I don't want to tell him what to do.

I know he's not married. Good or bad, I've stopped by his house unexpectedly and he has always been alone and from being there as much as I have I know there is no woman living there. I've met his friends and parents and I know that one of his friends told him that we should get together more because she likes me and is the type to say if he had someone else.

What I'm not sure is if he is into me and is scared to fully commit because of his past relationships being really hard on him or if he isn't and is just keeping me around just because. I would imagine I'm a fairly significant person in his life because he told his therapist that the only people in his life are his parents and me. This is what's so confusing. He will say and do things that make me think, ok things are heading in a good direction and then he will say contradictory things. The problem is I jump into the deep end with 2 feet and he is more of a lets dip a toe in the kiddie pool. I'm trying to take things slow because it hasn't worked for me in the past to rush, but it's hard.

 

[Bluerose]

I’m sorry but I think you would save yourself some pain if you were to just read between the lines and let that one go.